A
female
age
36-40,
sammi star
writes:I only wrote an article a little while ago but I like sharing little bits of life so here we go with another one! And by the way, I'm talking about men but obviously the same applies with women :)I often ask my male friends for advice. Every so often I'll call or text them and say 'I need a mans point of view'If I ask more than one about the same subject you can bet they'll give me different answers. So why do I bother? Why don't I just accept that men are no more the same as each other as women and no man can answer on behalf of the rest of the male population?!A couple of examples here;I'll ask them-Do guys like girls that ALWAYS make an effort or someone that's not afraid to forget about the hair straightners and lipstick now and again? Guy 1: A woman should always make the effort, we like to see you all done up and know that you've gone to the trouble for us.Guy 2: Men like a girl that isn't afraid to leave the house in old jeans, a t-shirt and no make-up whatsover.Or I'll ask-Do men prefer skinny women?Guy 1: Well it always helps if she's got a size 8 figure..Guy 2: God no! we men want a woman to look like a woman and that means curves!I regularly read a column by a young single man and although I love reading it and hearing what advice he has to offer us women, even he contradicts himself from week to week!I've come to the conclusion it's all too confusing to bother stressing about! Men are all different and there's no point trying to be who you think they want you to be because chances are they want something completely different. I've never intentionally changed myself for a man but I have found myself saying or doing things that I wouldn't usually, only to think to myself afterwards that it was only for his benefit.Why would anyone feel they need to be liked by all? It's an impossible goal! I've decided from now on I'm just going to be myself, that's all you can be right? For every guy that doesn't like me there'll be one that thinks I'm great.One final thing, It's time we stopped asking ourselves and our friends 'what do men want' and started asking 'what does HE want' figure it all out one guy at a time! :) x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): I don't see men as men and I do not see women as women. I see each person as an individual with a vast and sometimes, 'infinite' layering of mental and emotional processes.
The 'problem' associated with "being oneself" in the context of: "if you don't accept me for who and what I am, then you do not deserve me at all" lays in the inflexibility and anti-dynamic relationship between two or more people. The connection between two people 'should' be dynamic and 'change' over time and experiences.
To make oneself happy, you are also creating opportunities for yourself to further enhance the connection you may have with others. If you close off that enhancement, you close off the opportunity to fulfill a desire you may have to connect with others. If you do not know already, the majority of people that post here in DearCupid have this mentality and unfortunately, the bulk of the advice they receive also follow this similar or this same stance.
Indeed, individuals 'should' still be able to be themselves, else, how else would we have our own flavoring? However, if a person wish to connect with people outside his or her own singular environment, then it is a necessity to 'upgrade' that environment into one that others can also enjoy with you.
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When my friends, male or female ask me for relationship 'advice', the first two questions I often ask are: 1) Who is your love interest and 2) how do you connect with him/her? - in a different form often, depends on the individual.
It's all about targeting. There is no universal law or rule that anyone can follow and hope to whatever powerful being or alien or spiritual force or void, that it would be an 'attraction' medium to lure your targets in. Who are your targets? Say you are a size 8, a size 4, a size 0? Who are you trying to lure in? A general consensus? An audience at the place you work at? Your neighbors? The imaginary men in your life, that you read about in magazines?
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For myself, I do not believe that I am this, therefore, that's all there is to me to find someone who loves me. No, I believe that I am what I am when I am with someone because it comes down to how we connect. It completely differs from person to person, connection to connection. My mind's process and filtering even differs. I do not believe that I am one way and that one way is going to be good for all ways. No, it won't work like that.
There are too vast and an infinite array of factors between minds, desires, goals and other things.
A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (18 July 2009):
 I always thought men were relatively uncomplicated creatures! Good to hear a different perspective!
Pretty much agree with what you say - you can't generalise and pigeon hole men and women - everyone's individual and has their own needs.
Being yourself saves a lot of time, effort and heartache!
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (9 July 2009):
sammi star is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yeah I agree it's important to ask yourself what you want but when you're persuing someone or in a relationship it's not just about what you want is it? You need to think about what he wants too and I'm saying you should figure that out by asking yourself what he wants as an individual and not just as another man x
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (9 July 2009):
How about...
It's time we stopped asking ourselves and our friends 'what do men want' and started asking 'what do I want?'
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): I agree, if we tried to be what everyone else wants, we'd be dragged in all directions trying to please everyone! So it probably is more important to focus more on those closest to us, those who actually matter.
I do think though that the first person we have to make happy is ourselves! After all, we are who we are, we live with ourselves everyday. So if we don't like ourselves, life can become pretty unbearable! x
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