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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Sometimes i think i'm too nice and forgive people too easily. I'm quite a sensitive person and people's actions can hurt me a lot sometimes. I'm very loyal to the people i feel are loyal to me but sometimes it seems like i'm giving and not getting anything back.I've recently started thinking about this more because of something that's happened within the past year. A guy friend, at least i thought he was, has basically made an idiot out of me. I used to think he liked me and we fooled around for a while but then he got back with some ex girlfriend without telling me. He just stopped taking my calls and ignored me. Eventually he text me and told me the truth and asked if we could still be friends and meet up and i (stupidly) said yes. That was my first mistake and i've acted like a doormat when it comes to him since then. He's tried to get in my pants numerous times since he's been back with her yet insisted he wanted friendship. I finally cut him off last year but then he got deployed to Afghanistan last September and asked if i'd write to him. Out of guilt and mainly fear because he was over there, i did. I was supportive, wrote him letters (as a friend), tried to keep him cheerful when he was over there etc Now, he's back and guess what? I apparently no longer exist.We did meet up when he was on leave and he yet again tried to kiss me. I told him no and nothing else happened but i'm still annoyed. He's still with his girlfriend and while he was away i started dating somebody. I made my relationship official on Facebook a few weeks ago and he saw it. He said he was happy for me etc yet now he hasn't contacted me at all even though we'd planned to meet up last week. He obviously was just wanting sex and when he knew my relationship was serious he backed off (i'm guessing). So, yet again i was nice to somebody and they throw it in my face.At work there are certain woman who love to spread lies or back stab you, and what do i do? Nothing. I just keep quiet and cry when i get home. I'm just sick of people thinking they can talk to me badly or make plans then cancel them without even having the decency to let me know. Should i just stop being nice to people?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. It's really helped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): I hope things work out well for you OP. Being able to say 'no' to be people can be a very liberating thing.
All the best for now and the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I'll look into it. Also, i don't think i need to worry about the guy seeing as he seems to have backed off now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): Perhaps you should try and redirect your emotions more positively OP. You say you feel horrible telling him to get lost but it would make more sense to feel horrible about not telling him wouldn't it?
I mean you're hurting 4 people by not doing it aren't you?
First things first, get rid of try out of your vocabulary. You either do something or you don't, okay? Trying is nothing, nothing ever happens form trying.
There's nothing wrong with being emotional OP but if it makes you afraid to do things that you know you should then it's time you learned to project your emotions more positively. You need to find a way of gaining more confidence and more self assuredness.
My advice would be to look in your local listings and take up a class in martial arts. Boxing, Judo, Ju jitsu, Karate, Kung fu or kick boxing. Those kind of martial arts teach you not only greater strength, power and confidence physically. They make you fitter, have greater endurance and the mental confidence that comes from knowing you're physically able to meet any challenge that comes your way. But far more importantly for your needs it teaches mental discipline, how to control your emotions, how to channel your emotions positively in situations of stress and conflict, it teaches toughens you up mentally and physically, it teaches you calmness in the face of another looking to hurt you, it teaches you how to stand up for yourself, it teaches you to push past physical barriers using your mind, it teaches willpower, determination, respect and it will, in time give you all the tools you need to make yourself a stronger, more determined person who people will either respect or you will have no problem walking away from.
Trust me OP, martial arts does all those things. So do yourself a favour and go take up one. Don't "try" don't go for a week or two and decide you don't want to. Go start a martial art and stick with it for a few months, then come back tell me whether things have improved or not. I can guarantee they will. You have to stop being so soft with other people, you're the most important person to you, so stop putting others first. Go learn to kick ass and build up your mental and physical strength, and no before you ask, martial arts isn't going to make you manly or anything like that. There are absolutely no drawbacks at all to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hate confrontation and i'm terrible at it. I'm quite an emotional person and i let things hurt me too easily. I have tried to tell him to get lost but then i ended up feeling like a horrible person. I don't know how to get the balance right and to get people to respect me and not treat me like a door mat.
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male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 I feel for you. It is a shame that nice don't always get the best deal in life. But changing into something you're obviously isn't going to help you either.But instead of stopping being nice to everyone. Maybe you can try your hardest to only be nice to those who deserve. The people who screw you over do not deserve your kindness and you need to realise this to make you feel better about yourself.These people at work just need ignoring, bullies only target others because of their inner-securities. If it is constant, is it possibly to maybe have a word with your boss or something. Because a full blown confrontation with your colleagues will probably leave you worse off. I know it is hard to do, but ignoring them is key. Keep your head held high and live your life the way you want to do it. So try your hardest not to stoop to their level.With the guy, you must cut all ties with him. It's going to hurt and make you feel guilty. But he has played you so often it's just not worth him holding you back in life. The letters to him in Afghanistan are something his girlfriend and family should be doing, not you. Again you need to move on from him in order to be able to move forward in your life.Being nice and sensitive are two fantastic qualities to have as a person. They will get recognised in the future as people will realise what a respectable and thoughtful person your are. Unfortunately there are certain people to like to advantage of people like you and me and makes us feel like it's us at fault because of our qualities.So really, I think you need to maybe not be as naive and really take a step back and think, right out of all the people I have in my life. Who is really their for me and who is treating me disrespectfully? When you have categorised these people, it should make it a little easier for you to be able to choose who to be nice too and who to either cut out or just be civil with. I hope this helps and really wish you the best of luck for the future because it's people like you who deserve the good things in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): I don't know where you get the idea that being a pushover is the same thing as being nice.
It's not about being nice, you're not being nice to his girlfriend are you by letting him play these games with behind your back? No, you're not, you're actually being awful to her.
You're not being nice to him either because instead of telling him to piss off you keep yourself dangled in front of him letting him keep trying with you. That's not nice OP, that's just being weak. You;re not being nice to guy you're seeing either by letting this guy who is obviously trying to shag you keep trying and putting him the position where he can keep trying, seriously OP what part of that is nice for your boyfriend? If he had a girl that was always trying to kiss him and he always let her do that, would you be happy with that? I doubt it OP.
And last and definitely not least you're not exactly being nice to yourself by letting this guy walk all over you, are you? Making you feel like crap, picking you up and throwing you away at will, risking your new relationship with your current guy. So in what part of all this are you being nice? Not one part of it. Your weakness is just making things difficult for you, him, his girlfriend and your boyfriend.
That's not nice OP. Nice is having the strength to make sure nice things happen to yourself and others. Nice is making sure you're not directly responsible for crap like this to happen. Don't mistake your weakness for niceness OP because it's not. Being a pushover is not nice, doormats aren't nice OP, they're full of mud and the shit that people collect on their shoes and then wipe all over them, that's why they're doormats.
"Should i just stop being nice to people?"
You're not being nice at all, so that's a moot question.
Now I'm telling you all this and the way I have to illustrate a point. Please don't take offence or feel bad, it's just how I see it. You need a kick up the arse not a hug and a shoulder to cry on.
OP being nice is about doing what's right, not doing what's easy. You're taking to easy way out all the time because you fear conflict. It's time you learned to do what's right. It's not right to let this guy treat you this way is it? So do something about that, get rid of him from your life so you can move on with yours. Those bitches in work are upsetting you and sit there and cry. That's not right is it OP?
You need to understand that doing what's right very often means you have to stand up to people and you have to face them head on. There's nothing wrong with doing that OP, if it's the right thing to do.
So get your priorities straight OP. Think of what you need to do in situations that will bring the best possible long term outcome and grow enough of a pair of balls to be able to make sure these things happen. Enough is enough and there's no point in being sad, ashamed, bitter nor any of those things. Time to get a bit of backbone and start doing the right thing by others and yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): Hi
I am 25 years old and feel the same. At work and generally i feel as though people take advantage of me because i am nice, almost too nice sometimes. I was in a relationship recently and he expected me to obey him and not do the things he did not want me to do and go where he did not want me to go. But he did what he wanted behind my back. I soon learnt not to let people walk all over me. Not to change the way i was but be a little firm and reserved with the people who are likely to stab me in the back.
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