A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I have been in a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship for 1yr 4 months (we both live in the same town. In the begining I thought we were both moving towards a committed relationship, but I soon realised that it was just me who felt that way and he was just happy with the status quo. For a while I tried to win him over to the idea of a committed relationship but it was pointless. I then decided to have no more to do with him (and again on 3 further occassions), but we always gravitated back towards each other; we would meet up, talk about lots of things, have a lot of laughs, go to the movies etc, we do get along and have quite a bit in common, and so I decided to enjoy it for as long as I could accept it for what it was. Now, he has accepted a very well paid job in Asia (6000 miles away), and leaves in April 2012. He told me the new company will send him to the UK Office from time to time, or at customers, or at a fair, and when he is in the UK he will try and meet up with me 'if time allows'. He also tells me that (if he likes it, and if he can) he plans to stay in this company for a number of years and save as much money as he can whilst there. I suggested I could visit him, once or so, but he said for the first year as the 'new boy' he will be working 24/7 and he does not know what to expect yet, or what will happen and he will need a few months to see how they do things out there etc, before he gets into some kind of routine. He says he wants us to keep in touch and wants to see me before he leaves. He also said 'One need to be able to let go, in order to keep, right'? He knows how I feel about him, and I asked him if he cared about me. He said he has told me that he likes me, and he does care. (I have deep feelings for him, and my insecurities are already getting the better of me, and sometimes I imagine the worst i.e., in the future, what if I get a call from him to tell me he has met someone else etc etc etc - this would hurt like crazy). I do want to see him before he goes (I feel its important that I do), but, I'm wondering how do I play it? Do I make it a romantic evening, or not? Do I try and forget him and move on once he's gone? Do I stay in contact with him - and if yes, how often? but I wonder if I do stay in contact with him, where would doing that take me? Thank you for your thoughts and advice on this.
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 Hello,
The key word wordlywise used was HOPE. For over a year you have been hoping the relationship would change, that he would want the committed relationship you have been in alone all along. Sometimes when a FWB begins, it works into more but that isn't typical. People who continue to say "friends, right" throughout the relationship are not going to change, ever, at least not the relationship with you.
All this time your heart has been off the market, hoping for things to change with him. You've given it a fair shot, you tried. You've left nothing "on the table" so to speak. You know, he's not going to change.
Does he care about you, yes. But it isn't enough. Don't you want a relationship with a man who DOES want to be in a committed relationship? With a man who is excited to see you, to want you to fly to China to see him? Yes, you do. You want this with him but my dear, it IS time to move on.
The Gods in Heaven have given you a gift. They are giving you a chance to say goodbye and to have some closure for yourself...to move on. Meet with him, cook him a nice dinner and do what ever you guys do romantically. You will know all along that this is GOODBYE in your heart. When he goes to leave, you need to tell him that you do not wish maintain contact. You can be honest with him and tell him that you have had feelings for him and now that you realize you will not have the kind of relationship you want with him, that you feel it is better for you two to say goodbye and go your separate ways. He should understand and with the distance, it will be easier.
This is the healthy thing for you to do for yourself or else you will just be hoping for something that will never happen. And you are right, should he find someone he wants to have a relationship with, the FWB thing you have will end on his terms. You will be heartbroken. End things now on your terms.
And for you, once he walks out that door, it is over. You will move on to find someone one day who wants a solid relationship and you will be so much more happy with it. Your insecurity is destroying your self confidence. And really, don't you want to be with a man who wants to be with you!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): If you stay in contact you will always have hope he will return or have a change of heart and want you in a relationship - you know this will never happen,he's been honest. He has told you his plans
My advice would be to maybe see him once more,know its the last time, then let it go.If you did stay in touch you will gain nothing but hurt.You don't need to know how he is moving on.
You need to look for what you want now, something with a future, you need to focus on you, he's made his intentions clear.
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