A
male
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anonymous
writes:I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago. I was initially very excited, optimistic and happy. She isn't particularly outgoing though and I have noticed that I have been fantasising about an ex I was with for five and a half years, who was very energetic and outgoing. What's more, I was at an event last weekend with a group that included the last girl I dated, who had said a few months ago she had lost interest, and after speaking to her briefly and some eye contact across the crowd, I noticed I still have feelings for her too.Maybe I'm just horny. Maybe I'm in love with all of them. Maybe I'm not in love with any of them and I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I don't know. It's all very well being loving, being 100% committed to the one you're with while you're with them, but what about honesty? What is the value of expressing honest feelings and thoughts in relationships? I want to truthfully and happily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): It find it commendable that you wish to be honest and also happy. As you say it could be your not in love and are still looking for the right woman to settle down with.
Honesty is always the best policy. But in this situation it might not be wise to hurry things along by telling her how you are feeling. You like her, you like being with her, but things about her personality force you to look at women for the things you feel she lacks. You seem (and I may be wrong) to lack committment for this woman.
If you enjoy being with her, ignore these feelings and keep your thoughts and fantasies to yourself and relax and enjoy your relationship with her. Go out and have fun together and make memories that feel good to you both. If the feeling is too strong to ignore and you constantly feel attracted to other women, you need to think carefully about finishing this relationship so she can be with someone that loves her as she deserves.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Honesty is extremelt important. It can lead to so much distress and pain on both behalfs and you would constantly be making things up to try and hide your true feelings. It's natural to still have feelings for the person you were with for 5 and a half years as you were with them so long, but it also sounds like you are not really interested in the woman you are seeing now. It looks like she is not what you are seeking.
If you tell her that you are thinking about exes then she will probably be very hurt. Maybe you'd be better off just telling her that you're not sure whether or not you are ready to commit.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Hi there...
I think a lot of us feel attracted to other people even when we are in a committed relationship. A couple of my friends are also exes and I occasionally think about them for any one reason (great sex, good chemistry, loving moments we had). I thing the issue is what you do with those feelings and the stability of this relationship you are in now.
In my case, even if I had greater moments with previous partners, I've never had such a wonderful relationship as I do now. Telling my partner if I fantasize with an ex or if I saw the moon and thought of someone else will not help my relationship... however, if I do something about it as being very creative in bed or talk about the moon with my new partner, I am creating new and exciting memory that will replace what is no longer there with other people.
Hope it helps. Best of lucks!
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