A
female
age
51-59,
*elightful
writes:My husband and I have been together 3 years, married 8 months of those. We have 2 young children, my husband was very very keen to have a family hence why we had one so soon plus he is 10 years older than me.For the first 6 months, sex was wonderful, my husband couldn't get enough. However, it has drifted off to almost non-existence, even no sex on our wedding night. The issue is with my husband, he just isn't interested anymore, he would rather masturbate on his own than be with me. He sleeps separately saying he has spent too much of his life on his own (even though he has had girlfriends for the last 30 years but have been "weekend" girlfriends) and needs his sleep. Despite trying to discuss the matter with him, from being very polite through to blatant honesty, he is not prepared to make any changes to save our marriage. I have told him how frustrated I am, that I need to have intimacy but it is falling on deaf ears. When I can get him into the same bed with me, he is asleep within minutes (or acting) and as soon as I go off to sleep, sneeks back into his own bed.I am a very attractive sexual person - he cannot cope with my "modern" way of wanting sex, he believes it is unlady like.The issue for me now is that all I do is masturbate to get rid of the frustrations. My husband knows that I do this and that I have vibrators, "dirty things" in his view, yet it does not kick start him into being close with me. I feel "single" and lonely and unloved, I guess that is why I masturbate all the time now. I have also brought up how I can now see why people have affairs/open marriages. I add that I have only slept with 2 other men in my life so have not been "around" as he puts it. He is now openly saying to our friends and my family that I want to be promiscious, thus spending the issue between us to a wider circle, oblivious that the issue is with him, not me, but it is making me look really bad and I do not want to explain to everyone that my husband doesn't want a wife but just a housekeeper (he treats the house like a hotel and me to be the maid to clean up, another issue driving me mad) together with producing his much-needed children.I am currently in the process of getting some counselling before it drives me insane. He does not believe we have a problem and that I should be grateful we have a good lifestyle. All I long for is love and closeness, he admits that he knows he is making me unhappy but not prepared to listen or change anything - he just shouts over me when I try to explain how I feel and that I would like our marriage to work.He just wants me as a companion, I do not feel I can live the rest of my life in this way, I am too young. I am becoming more and more withdrawn as a person as I am never heard.My questions:Are there more women in a similar situation to myself than we believe there to be?Are there any women who have been able to turn round the situation?If so, how?Men - can you relate to this?If so, why?I would be grateful and thankful for any help.
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affair, unloved, vibrator, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ms. Rosie  +, writes (17 November 2008):
If I were you, I would separate from him for a while. It may make him think more about the situation. Right now, he has things the way he wants them. You deserve so much more out of this marriage than what you are getting!! Maybe with time, you will find someone who will give you the love and security you need. He only thinks of himself!!
A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 I don't know if you are still reading but I was just wondering how you are doing?
It does sound like he duped you. Pretended to be a great guy to get a family and housekeeper and then his true colors came out.
I was married to an older guy and wouldn't do it again. Old men just act old and usually lose interest in sex and mostly want a mother and a housekeeper.
I could count on one hand the times we had sex the last 10 years of our marriage. I left him. That wasn't the main reason but it was a reason.
It was the right thing to do. I have someone a lot younger now and we have lots of sex.
You deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
Best wishes xo
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A
female
reader, Delightful +, writes (17 June 2008):
Delightful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to say a big thank you to everyone who responded, lots of thoughts have since occurred to me and despite a very short time of having sex since last writing (me pushing for it I add), it is back to the old routine of my husband just not interested. We have just had a holiday away, which he always uses as a reason for us to have more sex because he will be relaxed, not working etc, yet he managed it just once, at my insistence, for 6 minutes.
So I have now moved back into the spare bedroom and began to live my life without any love or sex - it is very difficult but it is the only way I can feel good about myself and build up my self-esteem and surround myself with things that make me feel happy or my life before my husband. I fantasise about my first boyfriend, purely so I feel loved and sexy. I don't know at the moment where this is all going but I just cannot keep begging and pleading for love so I have decided to reject my husband, so he knows how it feels. I don't love him from this aspect, infact I could quite happily castrate him for his lack of love and for being so selfish.
I know I sound revengeful but it seems to be the only way I can cope - I have done the nicey nicey route to no avail. I am awaiting counselling, which takes for ever in the UK so I guess we all resort to our coping mechanisms in times of stress.
For the lady who wrote anonymously on 29th May - I do hope your situation has improved but I somehow doubt it - I don't know how you manage; if you would like to write to me directly perhaps we can be of support to each other?
Many thanks to everyone again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): I am finally not alone there are other women who have the same problem. My husband and I have 4 children and I'm starting to feel like they were conceived from one night stands, because we haven't had sex more then 10 times in 4 years (yes the children are all his).I would not have married him if I was going to be in a sexless marriage,he also gets mad when I bring this subject up- I'm starting to feel like I have to pretend that we are even a couple anymore because there is no intamacy between us at all. I love my husband very much, and he is a good man - but I don't want to feel like I just have a roomate.help me please
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Is he really masturbating? If he is then it ain't his libido that is the problem.
He could be suffering from performance anxiety? Has he "failed" in the past?
The idea I am almost getting is the Michael Jackson story, you know how he suddenly got married, had some kids, just to proof he could?
It sounds like your husband just wanted a family for whatever reason, did the amount of sex that was required and now considers the job done.
Did his attitude change AFTER you had kids? One odd thing I noticed is the couples start calling each other mother and father around the kids, if this carries through into the bedroom perhaps he has a hard time seeing "mother" as a sexual person.
As a man, I cannot relate to how your husband behaves, the way you describe your sleeping arrangement makes me think of the way the spartians arranged their family live. (Men only had sex with their wifes during the day and at night returned to their true loves, other men)
Not saying he is gay but something is making him oddly reluctant to be with a woman for purely sexual activities outside reproduction.
Was he ever married before? It seems you were just his way of getting a family/kids, not the love of his life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I'm sure there are plenty of women who are happy with no sex in their marriage and sure some men are too. But that's not really the point is it. You are not happy and it makes you sad enough to seek help You have tried to get him too understand but he dosen't care and is not interested in having sex with you.
You present as over 40. That makes your husband what around late 40/50's. For some men, as they get older they loose interest in sex and the sex drive goes away. I don't know what you can do to reverse it. He's aware of the problem, you've told him. It's really not fair for him to place the blame for this on you. He knows he's a man failing to satisfy his wife, and he is seeking to cover himself by blaming you. This not fair, it's not right. Refusing to have sex with your wife, is grounds for divorce in at least two major religions. It is also grounds for divorce due to "unreasonable behaviour" in the UK.
Sorry he's doing this to you baby. He's an old man, he's stealing your youth. It's not fair for him to treat you like this. What are you gonna do. It dosen't sound like this man is willing to provide the intimacy and closeness you so obviously need. How much more of this can you stand?
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Normally I would never advise for a person to just give up on thier marriage. But if you have exhusted trying to get him to listen, and do something about it, I cant see that you have much option. Perhaps if you did leave for a while, he might just realise what he has lost. Its a shame about the children, but you do deserve a life as well. I cant see that he would get any better unless you make a stand.
He sounds completely selfish to me.
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