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female
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writes: I hope someone can help. I recently moved from england to the US. I love to travel and wanted a change of scene but also wanted to be with an American man I had met 18 months before. He had agreed to me coming to stay with him for a while to see what happened.However, we couldn't function under the pressure of the situation and the relationship fell apart. Being in a new place had made me cautious and needy and he felt responsible so became cut off and very distant towards me. In the end he said he just hadn't fallen in love with me. I know it's because we were in such an impossibly loaded situation. But now I have decided to stay here and have got my own place and new friends and enjoying myself.How can I get him back? My brother says if the man loved me he would never have let me leave for any reason at all, not matter how hard it was. He does call me for no good reason. I don't call him, as I am giving him space.I don't know what to think or what to do - I miss him so much and feel that we've missed out on a great relationship, which was before this happened, a really strong connection and friendship. Reply to this Question
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (8 September 2005):
 I think you and your brother are right. Your brother is correct in saying that if this man had loved you, he would have stuck by you through thick and thin because he wanted to and because he wanted you to feel happy and settled. However, saying that, stressful situations can indeed drive a wedge between couples and can be a real test to their relationship. The couple needs a strong foundation primarily and perhaps you didn't have this.
The fact that he calls for no particular reason does suggest he still has feelings for you and the fact that you are giving him space reflects the new you that is independent and happy. Continue in this way; you are doing well.
I think you will have to allow the ball to remain in his court. Let him say what he feels. If he wants to be back with you, he will tell you. The fact that he knows you have a life now will make you more attractive to him but please do remember that he may not be highly reliable when it comes to important issues that a relationship may go through.
I know you miss him but let him make the first move. In the meantime, don't put your life on hold. Forgive me for saying this, but there are plenty more fish in the sea!
Good luck.
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (8 September 2005):
Your intuition is telling you he might be still interested, if you weren't so needy. You might be right about that. The fact that he calls you for no good reason might mean that he is testng the waters and maybe he is plucking up the courage to ask you out. The thing that niggles in the back of my mind though is where is your self esteem at girl? You move over to a new country, lock stock and barrel and he ends the relationship because you were too needy!?! He does not sound like a real strong man you could lean on when times get rough to me. Build up your self esteem and I'll bet you, you will see the light!
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