A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my partner 17years we have 4 children i dont feel like i love him no more and he doesnt help me in any way he just likes playin his pc and smoking cannibis he wont get up and go get a job so we always are skint but im afraid to get my kids and go as i dont know where to go and would i be strong enough on my own i feel scared of being on my own after 17years and im scared of wat it might do to my partner as he doesnt socialise but i cant continue to feel trapped i want more out of life
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Best of luck, and I hope it goes well. I know you're capable if you believe in yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for your response i have told him these things but they fall on deaf ears i+children am going to stay with my mum and then after christmas she is helping me look for a house for us i know its half my fault for putting up with it but once your in a habit of everyday routine it sumtimes is hard to break but i did feel really guilty but dont know why but will stay strong for mine and the kids future thanks again x
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (10 December 2010):
 It must be pretty difficult trying to raise your five children. I am counting your partner as an extra child. He plays games all day, smokes away the benefits payments and contributes nothing to the household. If you want to leave the local authority have a duty of care towards you as a single parent with four children. You will probably feel better off if you are not having to put food in the cupboard on what is left of the household income after his drug addiction money has gone. Leave him to play computer games and smoke weed. Go out and get a job. It will give you confidence and personal independence. It doesn't have to be anything fancy but you are a relatively young woman. You can get lots of help with training and funded child-care while you do something productive and feel confident. I manage to juggle a job with a preschool infant, as many people do and it feels good. It is good to provide a working, productive role model to your children. If your partner isn't prepared to contribute to the family, he isn't part of the family!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 December 2010):
If he has no job, then you enable him to do the things he does. Where does he get the money? Is he independently wealthy? It doesn't sound like it.
Actually, since you're supporting everyone as is, it would be relatively easy to leave him. Actually, you'll probably get by better because you won't have the drain of his drug habit and munch mouth to feed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): My first thought is WHY or WHY have you stayed with this man for 17 years, and gone on to FOUR children with him,but the you have, and you cannot change the past. But you can CHANGE your future if you want, and the lives of your children.
No child should be brought up in such a family environment that is unhealthy for them, and watching a father smoking cannabis, on a computer all-day and NOT working and taking a FULL adult role in his children's future, is NOT how any child should be brought up. But then you know this, otherwise you wouldn't be asking for advice on here.
So although I know WE all take an active part in who we end up with, as so many women seem to drift into living, and having children with a guy they've not long met, it is no surprise these situations are becoming SADLY a fact of life.
I understand how scared you must be, really I do, being single for the first time, is a huge step, especially with children, and although the initial stages of you leaving this utterly deplorable excuse for a man, sorry, but he is acting in such a manner, that I find it hard to contain the words of disgust.
Where does he get money from for his drugs???? How do you manage to live? I presume you are on every benefit that you can be on.. This man NEEDS to get a reality check, and get a JOB and support himself and his children.
Finally you are seeing the light - YOU want to LEAVE HIM, this is the wisest most sensible thing you can do, give yourself and your children a chance to live a happy and normal life, AWAY from this man. NEVER, ever settle for such a man, set your sights high, show your children what is acceptable and what is NOT acceptable in life. Children learn from us, and if we don't set the right examples, they too go on to repeat the whole unhealthy lifestyle when they too become adults.
PRACTICAL side: Yesterday I answered a posting from a female who also needed some help and advice for moving on from her so-called partner. Here are some of the organisations you can GO to for FREE advice, and for financial assistance to MOVE away from this man. DON'T worry about what he does, or thinks, he has NOT given a single thought about YOU or those children, he needs to grow up.
The Citizen advice bureau CAN help to give you FREE advice and advise on your present situation financially.
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
SINGLE PARENT SUPPORT - expert free advice: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
http://www.onespace.org.uk/
FINANCIAL HELP: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Moneyandworkentitlements/YourMoney/DG_4003043
EMOTIONAL HELP: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
I have no idea if you receive any benefits, but if you do you can get FREE counselling to help you through this period of stress.
CHILD SUPPORT: http://www.csa.gov.uk/ - The CSA will help and ensure this man takes an active part in providing for his children. DO ALL you can to make sure he does this.
Please don't waste any more of YOUR precious life, or your children's life on such a person. Once you have taken the step to break this ' dependency' on him, being fearful of being single, it will empower you, you will begin to make decisions for yourself based around what you want in life, opposed to settling for whatever is in front of you. You will take control, and as you grow more confident, you will start to live again and gains so much self-confidence, your children will be so proud of you.
Go girl!
And please take care..keep us posted!
Jilly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Have you told him all this? Have you told him that if you find a way that you're going to leave him?
Tell him that, tell him while he's contributing nothing and doing no work in your relationship, you're actually looking for a way to leave and take the kids with you. Tell him this and see what he says.
If you've told him this a million times, then the only way is to start actually doing that. Start browsing for places got to social welfare and talk bout financial support.
Because while it might be scary to live on your own, it will force him to start working because he'll have to pay start paying child support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): First of all you have to talk to him and make sure he is aware of how unhappy you are, if you haven't already done so. It could be also that he is depressed,and needs to do something about that, like seek counselling via the doctor.Next, if you can't work things out by talking to each other about it, and really decide you want to leave, then yes it is a big move and everyone in your position finds it difficult. You need to check out what your options would be if you did move. How to get a place to live and what it would cost would be the first thing. Is there someone you could share with? The next thing is your support system - have you friends and family around who you can go to for emotional and practical support? You don't say how old your kids are but you need to think of the impact this would have on them - is there someone who could keep an eye on them if you were out? If there is someone you know who is in the same position, or has been, they could help you with advice.Yes, it is scary, but you can do it if it's really what you want.
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