A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:HoW DOES ONE GROW TO LOVE ONESELF? OR BE CONFIDENT?I am this beautiful girl that always gets hit on but i never see it..(people say it all the time) but I deperately want validation from ppl. I want to be accepted. How can i stop and just breathe and love myself. I am 24 with a masters degree no loans great looks etc, but I just cant seem to appreciate anything or love myself at all..All i look for is the accaptance from others, and especially love from men.. (I just got out of an emotionally abusive relation)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): One piece of advice is not to let other people define who you are.
A
female
reader, alexia846 +, writes (19 March 2011):
alexia846 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the advice, i never meant to say that I have this great looks and show off, what i meant is : i was blessed with a pysical appearance that apparantly ppl like but I still cant appreciate is and I HAVE VERY LOW LOW LOW SELF ESTEEM. i ALWAYS THINK THAT IF I LOOK GOOD PPL WILL LIKE ME AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Self improvement is how I did it. Physical, mental and emotional improvement.
Physical: Working out, eating well, sleeping well, finding ways of improving physical traits like balance, hand eye coordination etc. Dance classes, swimming classes, martial arts, gymnastics, soccer the list goes on and I'm still finding new physical skills to master.
Mental: Learned new languages (one fluent), reading self improvement books, improved memory techniques, puzzle books and games, learned card games, chess, go, sudoku, crosswords. Knowledge improvement - one personal research topic a month (this month is behavioral psychology and personality disorder, last month was advanced first aid and accident management), craft learning - pottery, origami, musical instrument etc
Emotional: All the above greatly improve emotional well being as you can probably imagine. But other things I did were, redecorating my apartment, DIY, constantly learning new sexual techniques and ways to satisfy my girlfriend mentally and emotionally, helping friends, socializing, tackling problems head on and straight away. Ditching people that aren't good for me, relationships that are poisonous and looking logically and clinically at what people have to offer to me as friends and ridding myself of those that are useless. Holidays, traveling, learning new food recipes, etc.
Look, if I was to write all the things I've done and am doing over the past few years it would rival your masters dissertation for size and while it looks like a lot when written down it's very manageable and I don't sacrifice my time to get these things done, they're hobbies. I'm currently studying for a degree and work in a radio station, I also do a lot of volunteer work (currently coach a special needs football team) I'm not spiritual but if you are maybe you could try developing that more.
I was like you (without the great looks, and looks don't matter anyway) but the only way I found that I didn't need acceptance from others was to keep improving myself and challenging myself to improve. Everything else just falls into place around that. There is so much in life that we can learn and do, and honestly the little achievements are the ones that foster pride and self worth. Making my first paper swan, the special needs football team winning their first trophy (and 7 of that team being selected for the Irish special Olympics squad), having my first conversation with a person in French online, winning my first game of go, getting to the final round of a poker tournament, playing my first gig, completing my first marathon.
When you start to find focus on little improvements it snowballs and if you want to feel confident then just improve your skill set. Give yourself small goals and focus on making yourself better, stronger and fitter, and your need for acceptance will just melt away. Who needs acceptance when you have a book on emotional disorders to read, or a spanish class coming up, or a radio show to do, or you're hosting a party for your friends.
People gravitate to others who are successful and content. People want to know what makes a person so confident and happy. If you focus on you then people want to be around you, they want some of what you have to rub off on them. So the secret to getting rid of the need for acceptance is to continually find ways of improving.
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (19 March 2011):
 The recepie is easy, the hard part is to apply it. Stop caring what other people think, and also start spending some quality time just with yourself. At first it will look awkward but after a while you will start enjoying yourself's company because he is always there for you and will never judge you :). It's true.By spending sometime alone you will start knowing yourself better, what you really like, what you don't like, what you want. And after realizing what you like you will start doing what you like even if you don't find company. While discovering yourself you will realize that this process is much more interesting and than what other people thing of you, and whether they accept you or not will start becoming unimportant. And this is just he beggining, the rest is upto you to discover over the years to come! I hope i make a little sense. Best wishes!
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