A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to give up on my husband. I love him so much and can't bear the thought of actually leaving him, but at this point, I'm not sure that I have better options. I met him 3 years ago at work and we hooked up almost right away. About half a year later, he cheated on me (with a beautiful woman for the duration of one whole month) and we broke up, but we were both miserable without each other and I took him back because he went down on his knees and begged for forgiveness. I never got proper closure to this matter because he would never want to talk about it. If I asked him any question related to the other woman, he'd just get defensive and become angry with me. I wasn't sure if he was the right person for me because most of the time, I was unhappy. Shortly after, I became pregnant and decided to keep the baby. Now we've been married for 2 years and I have another new-born. My husband works very hard, long hours to support our family and to become successful. I'm grateful for his love and dedication to the family, but I still can't trust him. Since we've been married, he has lied to me numerous times about very important things and when I confront him, he just becomes defensive again. He's never willing to talk to me and always gives me the excuse that he's tired from work (which he probably is, but when will I get my chance to talk?). Because of the lack of communication and history of lies, I'm paranoid every single day. Anything he does or says makes me think that he has alterior motives. I feel like he's always hiding something from me. I'm only 22 years old. I've given up my youth to be his wife and loving mother of our beautiful children. I thought this would make me a happy woman but I'm not. I don't trust him. He doesn't realize that I'm suffering, he just thinks I'm crazy when I'm prying into his life, playing detective. I just don't want to go through the horrible pain of him cheating on me ever again but because I can't let go, because I'm always trying to find the problem before it even happens, I'm ruining our relationship. What should i do? I can't talk to him, he won't listen and he just gets mad. I'm not happy at all and I'm afraid my children will sense it. Is leaving him the only option? I've become a bitter, paranoid woman. I'm sure this is not what he wants from his wife... and I want to be better but I just can't let go of his dishonesty and betrayal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): My husband constantly cheated on me and would never ever discuss why he did these things although I needed to hear why so much. He also became defensive and would just cut me off if I wanted to discuss anything he didn't like. We also had two young children. I couldn't forget these affairs and became totally crazy about checking up on him and wanting to know where and who he was with every second of the day. This drove him nuts and pushed him further away. When it got to the point that I had no idea where he really was as his lies were so bad and he would lie even about simple things like saying he'd put out the rubbish when he hadn't I realised there was nothing more left for me to do. We are now divorced and I am beginning to get some normality back in my life. There is nothing so waring as a liar and I suggest you explain to him that unless he talks to you you will leave him. If that doesn't shock him into communicating I would leave him. Also once they cheat they seem inclined to do it again citing that the wife pushed them into it as justification by their constant nagging, insecurities etc. Nowadays I can spot a liar within about 5 mins of meeting someone as I am so finely tuned and living with one is just not a relaxed, comfortable way to live. Trust is so important and if its not there or you can't be sure of him think about moving on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): thank u for your answers/insight, i've always known that counseling is available to me. i guess i just never wanted to go to such extremes. i guess i have no other choice. i'm afraid of how he might respond to my suggesting marriage counseling. you see, he thinks that our family has everything we need to be happy (nice home, two beautiful children, hard-working dad and mom) but those are just the appearances, the shell of everything. he needs to understand that we don't have any meaning to our relationship if there's no truth to it. no honesty.
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (5 December 2008):
You are not ruining the relationship...he had already done that by betraying you. It had already been ruined, tarnished. That can be difficult if not impossible to survive.
It does not sound as though he is very sensitive to your feelings, since he refuses to talk and becomes angry. This is not good for your marriage, and it is not good for your children. Yes, the nature of your relationship will rub off on the children, and they will absorb the negativity and hurtfulness.
You are suffering. That is wrong. I don't know if anything short of professional marriage counseling would help at this point.
Trust is a very difficult thing to rebuild. And the fact that you were not ever able to bring closure to the affair just makes matters worse. You need to be able to do that if you are ever truly going to be able to move on.
His behavior at present is not helping anything either. It is just compounding the whole situation.
If he refuses to work with you on this, whether you sort through it together on your own, or with a counselor, I would not put myself through a lifetime of hurt, heartache, and the like. It is not good for you, and it certainly is not good for your children. Good luck to you.
P.S. - I don't blame you one bit for constantly feeling paranoid.
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A
female
reader, heartless420_1 +, writes (5 December 2008):
 Well to be completly honest i dont think us (as women) can get over lies and betrayal! Have you guys seeked councelling? It may help. My husband had an affair as well and im paranoid every day! please feel free to contact me
I wish you well!
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