A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The other day, me and my soon to be wife were talking, she thought I've been acting weird since we was dating when it came to sex and just now decided to ask me about it, of course I didn't want to tell her the reason why, It's something I haven't told anyone, and it got to where she kept on asking me what was wrong and wouldn't quit, finally i broke down and told her about how my step father used to abuse me sexually/physically daily, until my mom ended up divorcing him. My, now ex, girlfriend immediately was sympathetic but she ended up breaking up with me because she couldn't see staying with me for fear that I would abuse our daughter, like I was. My question is why she would think that I would abuse my own child because of something that happened to me when i was a kid and if I told any other girl I start going out with in the future would it mess that relationship up too? (I understand some people that were abused do that, but I would never do something that ****** up Up until then she always bragged about how caring and nice I was) When I tried telling her that I wouldn't she didn't believe me apparently honesty turned me into a "monster waiting to happen" to her.. She was the first person I told.. guess I know not to tell anyone else now. Now I just feel more ****** up then I ever did. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the answers guys, I'm thinking about going to see a professional for the problems w/ being emotionally attached during sex
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 This is really something that you need to deal with. For you to move forward in your life, and to ever, ever again trust another person, you will need the help of a professional. This is not something that you can handle on your own. You are not a monster, don't ever believe that. You were/are a child who was victimised by a trusted adult. Your mother should have taken you to get the help that you needed, the type of help that even she would not have been capable of giving you. This is far too big. None of it is your fault. You are better off without that silly girl, she is just too young to have any idea of the hurt that she has caused you. Go and see your doctor, you don't have talk in detail about what has happened to you. Just ask for a referral to the appropriate professional, whether it be a counsellor or psychiatrist, your doctor should know. But please talk to someone. You cannot do this on your own. There are lots of us here too, who will always be there for you to talk to. All the very best. xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): Hi. I am very sorry she reacted that way with you. It is simple ignorance and ignorance breeds fear. It is not uncommon for some partners to behave as your girlfriend has. Had she taken some time to educate herself about CSA, she would have been reassured. But most probably, suddenly being told about your past, coupled with the sex problems, made her decide to bail. I don't think it was purely your disclosure. It might have been that and sexual problems that made her decide to end things. Appearing cold and detached during sex is one of the problems some people in your position face. If you were 'acting out' in others way too it would have concerned her. So try not to judge her too harshly. Things can be salvaged to some degree if you are mature about it, reassure her and try to be empathic. Remember, she has only just found out something you have known for many years. Disclosure can cause a cascade of emotions and her reaction is quite 'normal' really. So do try and understand. How you deal with her now could well affect things for many years to come and with a child involved, you want to try and stay on good terms. If you harbour bitterness or anger, try and work through that with a counsellor not your ex. Because that won't work. It will just make things worse for you and that is something you don't want to happen.
It is a misconception that survivors of CSA will go on to become abusers themselves. The vast majority of male CSA survivors are in fact very good and protective fathers. They see danger at every turn and protect their children and their children's innocence with vigor. They make wonderful fathers as they want their children to have the sort of magical, happy, carefree childhoods they didn't have. And that makes the vast majority of them very good fathers not monsters.
No matter how well you think you have recovered from your abuse. I would strongly recommend you seek a good counsellor who specializes in CSA. It will help you grow as as an individual, shed light on many of the worries you might have and teach you skills you will need to go forward in life. Do try it. All the best.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (24 July 2011):
 It may have been that she was looking for a reason to back out. Maybe she just wasn't ready for the commitment. You guys are super young, so I wouldn't be surprised. Another option is she didn't want to deal with it. It kind of sucks, but it's her choice. Again, super young, she probably isn't quite mature enough to deal with that yet.
Unfortunatley, you do have to deal with it. The fact that you're weird about sex still is completely understandable. If you talk to a professional, (I KNOW that's really hard to hear, but listen for a second) they will help you move past it and deal with the lingering stuff.
Don't keep your past a secret. That's not the answer. It probably didn't help at all that you kept it a secret for as long as you did. She just wasn't the right girl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): I feel for you, she clearly didn't understand you or want to help you. It must have taken alot to tell her your past but she hasn't been sympathetic at all.
This is just one silly woman though and your still young so give yourself time.
Have you ever sought counselling or got help to get your head round and come to terms with the abuse you suffered? Talk to people who understand. Your not 'a monster waiting to happen' in any way.
Your an innocent victim. x
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 She the 'happening monster' herself.forget about her.find peace in yourself and move on.goodluck
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 Forget about her. She let a good guy go because of her insecurity.
Yes a lot of abusers tend to have been abused, but that doesn't mean every abused is going to become an abuser.
This will scare off some women, but look at this way. The women it scares off, are the ones you don't want to be with anyway.
You will find a woman who will make you happy, and she will be happy with you. Don't worry.
And don't worry, You aren't a monster waiting to happen. You're 18-21, if you were going to be a monster, it would have already happend.
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