A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife is a very good person. She takes care of our three lovely children, even has her own business. I work at home and participate in managing the household. The only problem is that I am romanticist while my wile looks at things in a very calculating way, leaving very little time for romantic interlude both physically and emotionally. I realize she is quite busy, but as I tell her, what's the sense of it when we don't have romance on our life? I have had plenty of opportunities with other women, all discarded as I would like to remain faithful. Time goes by by and I feel that an important element is missing. So, I continue living each day feeling empty. The question is, Are my choices to remain faithful, be a good husband and father or find a girl friend who might be just a source of conversation, (or perhaps more). I've discussed this with my wife who refuses to even consider that what I want is not unreasonable. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): You have intimacy issues in your marriage and you told your wife that you want a gf. Now you seem amazed at her unreasonable response??
If you had a low sex drive, and your wife wanted more,she then asked to take on a lover , will you agree to it??
Right now you have 80% in your marriage, you want to give it all up for 20 %. Have you considered going to a sexologist?? Getting your wife to open up more. Try new things.
I assume your wife doesn't work from home therefore she is pressed for time. Have you considered date night? Holidays without the kids? Quality time together?
I am not chastising you for wanting more romance but asking your wife to allow you to have a gf?? Come on!!!
Sex is very important in a marriage, intimacy too. Your wife also has to come to the party. It means constantly talking to her, investing in your relationship. It will get frustrating, it will get tiring but you two can make it work.
What do you expect from her? Anything unreasonable? Is she tired all the time? Is she afraid to show emotions? Is she afraid to let her guard down? Is she afraid to be out of control? You need to consider these questions.
In the end if you feel that you have left no stone unturned in an attempt to make her more loving, then by all means divorce her and go find yourself a gf but to do so while married speaks volumes of your character.
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to cheese4crackers.I need to show more character
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): I can understand that you must be feeling very lonely and disconnected from your wife. You obviously have been together for quite sometime, having three children. Most married couples go through the same period as what you are going through right now. It involves two people who have just, over time, got comfortable with each other, children's demands, work demands and busy life in general. Often it's the 'relationship' that most people take for granted and treat it as the LAST thing they need to dedicate their time to. There are two paths to choose from, the HARD path or the HARDER path. This is where the strength of you marriage is tested. This is where the strength of your love for your wife is tested. This is where the strength of love and respect for your children is tested. This is where the strength of your character as a person is tested. You married your wife to prove to her that she is the ONLY one in your life that you want to walk that extra mile for, sacrifice things in your life for, be faithful to and share things with that you won't with anyone else. Marriage means all these things..........through GOOD times and BAD. Well, you've come to the road in your relationship where it's BAD. You're either going to uphold your dignity, strength and love and choose the HARD path to do WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS YOU NEED TO DO TO HELP YOUR MARRIAGE or you're going to choose the HARDER path.
The HARDER path is leaning on someone else to get you through your problems between you and your wife. Noone else except the two of you, can solve your problems. The attention you get from someone else will make you feel good for awhile until THAT relationship becomes mundane. The 'second' woman won't always want to be the 'second' woman. She'll eventually want you to either choose her or your wife. That's if your wife hasn't found out about your floozy and booted you from your family home in the mean time. Not to mention the money problems associated with all the 'splitting things up' involved if she does boot you out. Don't think she's not entitled to the majority of EVERYTHING. Then there's the emotional ups and downs of losing your wife and all that goes with it. Then there's the shame you'll feel when your children look you in the face. That's if they even want anything to do with you, knowing you betrayed their MOTHER. It never goes down well. Then you have to wonder if the 'floozy' is going to stick by you through ALL THAT, and still find you exciting, romantic and someone she respects. Chances are, if she's someone who thinks sleeping with a married man is ok, she WON'T!!!
My answer to your question is NO, I don't think you should look elsewhere to solve the problem inside your marriage. I think you need to look inside your marriage to help it. You are an adult who needs to set an example for your three children. You need to set the standards of what your daughters are to expect in a relationship when they grow up and someday marry. Same goes if you have a son. You want to teach him that you don't betray your wife. You do everything you can to make it work. Be faithful, trustworthy, respectful and have dignity. If that's ALL you do as a father, then you've done a bloody good job.
You may need to engage the help of a counsellor if the problem doesn't improve through your own efforts. My advice is you need to send the kids somewhere, so you have each other's full attention. You need to write down all the things that you love about her and the things that she does that used to make you happy and ask her to do the same. Don't focus on negatives too much. Don't use hurtful words to each other. You need to convey your concerns and tell her how important it is that she listen to you. It's equally important that you show her the same respect in listening to her. Tell her how unhappy you are and be prepared for her to tell you that you don't fulfill her needs either. You can't expect to take and not to give. It's all about sacrificing to meet EACH OTHER'S needs. Whether you like to admit it or not, your relationship has changed from when you first started dating and it will continue to change from each phase of your lives. You need to learn to change and adapt to fulfill the needs of each others desires during each of the phases. Without communicating with each other won't help you know what you need to give to do that though. You need to set aside a certain night or day each week just for the two of you where you can be romantic with her. If she loves you enough she will lighten her workload to accommodate your request. It may not be that clear to her at first and it may take her some time for her to realise that it CAN be done........and more importantly, needs to be done. In turn you might offer to take over one of her jobs that she NORMALLY does to enable her to have this time more available. This will let her know that you're not just whinging about what she's NOT giving you but instead realising ALL the things she DOES do for everyone each day. She'll feel more appreciated and realise you appreciate and can sympathise with her workload by wanting to help without her even having to point out the fact and ASK you to take over that particular task. You both need to get back to basics and try to impress each other. You both need to ignite in each other those little things in each that attracted you to each other to begin with. Tell her you like it when she wears that silky night gown and tell her why you like it......(maybe it accentuates body parts that you like) Tell her how it makes you feel. Ask her things that she wants you to do that would make her happier. Eliminate as many outside distractions as possible. Eg. if you attend a poker night each week. This could be eliminated to assist you in dedicating the time to working on your marriage. Do two loads of washing so she doesn't have to do it. Putting the kids to bed early, lighting candles, pouring her a glass of wine, asking her how her day has been and pulling out the massage oil. All while maintaining no other alternate motives but doing it just to relax her. Just for her. She will start finding your more attractive if she doesn't think you're doing it to benefit yourself. Everything takes time and your wife is no different. You need to work through it with her. One day at a time. Learn to love and inspire each other. Learn to bring out the best in each other. Someone has to start the ball rolling. It might never work. You may have outgrown each other and two stubborn attitudes rarely make anything positive blossom. You both might then agree that you are both best to move on from each other so you can both pursue new relationships and paths in life. You have more of a chance to work through the split up with a positive and fair outcome for the both of you. Your children would be less likely to hold resent towards you if they can see their parents working together to make the best of a bad situation. The won't lose respect for you by seeing you try your best. They won't lose respect for you by being faithful and loyal to their mother. They won't lose respect for you for upholding your marriage vows. That's when you can then move on, deal with your loss of your wife, build a new life and find someone else who has enough respect for herself that she's not tripping around sleeping with married men. Then you can start the cylce all over again.........but keep in mind......don't ever think that in THAT relationship you won't ever come to a BAD patch of road. The choice you make after you read my post will determine your character as a human being.
Good Luck with the choice you make and I hope that I can possibly be a good influence in your decision.
I would be happy in knowing how things go for you and your family.
Samantha
xxx
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 You need to talk to your wife and explaine to her that you need intimacy in your lives and that it is a very important part of a marriage. It is absolutely unreasonable for you to ask your wife to be ok with you finding a mistress. You two need to find a way to connect again and remember why and how you fell in love. Is there any way you can take some things off of her plate so that she can become more interested in intimacy? Is there any way just the 2 of you can get away for the weekend to a romantic, relaxing place?
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