A
female
age
41-50,
*ingerscrossedxx
writes:Hi - I'm very curious to hear people's responses please. My husband and I have been together 14 years (Im now early 30s -he's mid 30's). I realize now that I met him at a very vulnerable time in my life. I needed a lot of attention and I was just coming to terms with an abusive past/childhood, and deciding to be brave enough to address that part of my life. He was everything that I needed at that stage. He listened (where nobody else ever had), never judged, sided with me, loved me! We had so much fun, although he also dealt with all my anger…at my past…which was almost always, wrongly, directed at him! We got through this…sometimes I don’t know how we managed to stay together…I must have been horrible, and he was very very supportive!We had, in my eyes, at least 9-10 very happy years…where I was totally in love with him, so happy, so faithful…never even looked at another man. We didn’t have much money, but it never really bothered me. We had a beautiful baby girl (shes 8 now). I felt like I had everything I wanted!! And then, feeling happy in the present I decided to have therapy (for my past)…intensive psychological 12 week long therapy! It changed me…it changed my whole perspective on my life…and then after 12 months of ’living’ with all the changes in me, it was as if a button switched in me… I suddenly realized I wanted more out of my life. I realised for the first time in my life that I had needs… needs that needed fulfilling! I signed up for a degree - something I'd wanted to do for years, but was never brave enough to do. However during my 3 degree years was when I changed the most. Part of my degree was having to look reflectively inside my own life…it opened up cans of worms!! I began to realize that all the time with my husband it had been ‘Me’ doing the talking and him doing the listening! Yes, that’s what I needed at that time and that’s the role he took on, but then I realized I didn’t really know him and that he had some major issues with communicating…not just with me, but with everyone! I grappled with these insecurities because I wanted to help him then…like he had helped me for years! We went to relate, however we couldn’t commit to it and had to leave due to unpredictable childcare arrangements! I tried to discuss things with him, we tried ’getting to know you’ dates, I introduced him to my friends partners hoping he would form some friendships. None of this really worked. I started to believe he was depressed (he doesn’t think so) and the possibility that his ’role’ as my fantastic husband had changed so drastically, because I suddenly didn’t appear to need him as much as I had in previous years! To me, my confidence and independence was fabulous…to him, not so, and instead of us growing together, he seemed to get more down, moody and miserable, while I'd been building different paths! And now it feels we have grown apart! It’s a terrible situation and one I feel I've tried to help him with, but he just isn’t interested in dealing with anything! Especially our relationship! We separated a year and a half ago…albeit brief…it did wonders for me, I had a break, I realised I wanted to be with him still, I realised I loved him and I didn’t want anyone else! He didn’t change, he still doesn’t communicate or open up and our sex life if practically non-existent…and has been for a few years now! This is a major problem for us both…especially since our daughter is desperate for a sibling and we really want to have another! …although im the only one who ever brings it up! The sex issue is more mine than his… I'm just not interested at all. I wonder whether I need sex therapy or if it is purely just him that I'm not sexually interested in anymore! I really don’t know!He is an attractive man and I'm quite sure that if we were to split, other women would be dying to jump into the space! Most of my friends occasionally swoon over him telling me how lucky I am! (they do however only see the looks and the great ‘house-husband’ and father that he is! And that I do agree with, but for that reason I don’t have anyone to discuss this with!! It's all so foggy now… I don’t know where we are…or where we’re going. I don’t know how to begin communicating with him or trying to sort things out, but I know I want to try! We are very critical of each other and he behaves so stubbornly and childlike it's hard to even hold a conversation with him sometimes if there is an issue to sort out! And one of my main faults is that I either retaliate or just walk away and dismiss the situation so it doesn’t escalate! Either way, nothing ever gets resolved…just ’forgotten’ and none of us even bring issues up anymore! I used to, but the response was too wearing every time and so much effort. Our daughter is happy and very loved, although I feel she probably picks up on the hostility sometimes and I do worry about this! On the whole, we spend the weekends together as a family, we have midweek 'family nights' and we have great fun together and busy weekends. When we get on… we get on fantastic, and are a really happy family! It's such a shame, and I really don’t know what to do anymore! What are people's thoughts? Im sorry this was such a long story to read through, but if you have...thank you so much xx
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reader, fingerscrossedxx +, writes (28 January 2011):
fingerscrossedxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi to all 5 of you who replied...thank you all so much. I was never expecting so many responses but you have all offered different advice and i can take all of it onboard, it's very very useful thank you, and great to have different and honest opinions x.
To TEM - yes you're right, i have chosen to stick with him, ive learnt (maybe selfishly) that the grass definately isnt any greener, and that we should all be aware that if we choose to move into another relationship, if there were issues in the last one, it's likely these will still resurface at some point in a new reationship, so trying as hard as possible to make one work is well worth it. - and yes you are also right, his self esteem is quite low. Thats a tough one sometimes too though...its quite draining...but needs a Lot of patience and understanding!...i just hope i am capable of giving that for a length of time....but i agree, marriage counselling is the way to go...thank you x.
C-Grant...thank you so much for your opening statement :) and yes you are right, i have considered it all from different angles...i do that all the time, ...i have to be this way for my job (social worker)so im hoping i can put as much effort into my marriage! and yes you're right, i also think he has lost that validation of his earlier role of being my 'helper'...and you make sense by suggesting he hasnt found a way to replace that! I think maybe when i show him this site and posts, that could be a thing we could work on, because its an important part of feeling valued as a person isnt it?...as a husband or a wife...we all need to feel valued in our role...i know i do...and that could be another problem actually...i dont!....i dont feel valued as a wife....he never 'needs' me to do anything for him.....he will happily cook, wash, iron, sort our daughter out....we share all this but sometimes i wish he would just 'expect' me to do some things for him...like making lunch for him at work!!....silly things maybe, but i feel my role as a woman/wife is undervalued in our relationship because he sets out to do everything for himself!....hmmm...another thing that needs working on!?.....yes he does work too....he has a really good professional job and is really confident in his work....then he comes home and seems a different person! :(
....thank you so much for your advice....will be taking it all onboard....you are very perceptive. x
Hi Serenity 80...again, thank you so much for your opening statement......and yes you are absolutely right, it wasnt just the 12 week therapy...i knew for years there was something in me dying to get out....i just had very low confidence and a sense of worthlessness....i never thought id be able to reach any goals...so i didnt set any!....sad really but therapy allowed me to talk and open it up! :)
Thats a good question...what would my husband say....i plan to definatley show him this site and all of your responses...i think that will be our first step to sorting things out!...maybe he could use the site himself! it would probably be a great thing for him because he doesnt really have many people to talk to and never opens up about his feelings...i know all of your responses have really helped me, maybe they will change something in him to!?.....emotional intamacy....think you've cracked the nail on the head there....how very clever :) thank you, thats a great insight, and one i will explore deeper......and sorry, my fault that the baby thing got misinterpreted....we both want another baby....here lies another issue...alongside the lack of sex, and my own issues with it....we have had trouble concieving!....with our daughter it was instant then it has taken years with no result for a second! We are undergoing fertility treatment at the moment....thats why its so frustrating...we have this opportunity of medical help...and i have a sex problem....funny, because we cant have one without the other!!!....its very stressful!....we have discussed doing this by artificial insemination...using a syringe!....i know this sounds horrendous but we both really want a baby, and i cant have sex!!!....the doctors are not aware of this....im too scared they will stop the process if they are aware i cannot have sex!!....WOW...it seems this is another major problem....maybe i could do with adding another question to the site!?.....thank you also so much for your excellent advice x
Hi Petinal..thank you for your response. I have to agree with you that sometimes therapy isnt a good idea...ive tortured myself for years whether i did the right thing or not because it changed so much...however i conclude that i went for myself...for my past and it was very deep rooted...and when i think about the outcome in myself it was the best thing i did...for my marriage, maybe not...but if i hadnt gone all my anger, stress, anxiety would have been further repressed and i feel would have erupted at some other stage in my life anyway...its bound to....and the situation could have been worse! therapy almost certainly changes the individual...but only in ways that we wanted to change if we are honest...its then up to us to solve (or not) the issues that the ripples create from the change! does that make sense? it took me a long time to figure that out you see....im really glad i had therapy, my issues were deeply psychological....thank you so much for your honesty though...and couldnt agree more about your 30's!!...its my best decade so far!! haha x
Hi anonymous...thank you so much for your honesty. I felt on reading your post that there was a little anger/resentment internally coming out!?? maybe im wrong, it just sounds like you may have been through a tough breakup yourself!?...although its not what i wanted to hear, as i have decided to stick with this and try...you are kind of like a devil on my shoulder...you're the thoughts i have had so many times when ive been ready to give up...so its definately a good perspective...however im really trying to focus on the positive at the moment, and hopefully things will improve, otherwise, i hate to admit...you could be right!....thank you loads x
thanks to all of you so much...i hope i have done the right thing here replying in this way....m still a site newby! haha xx
A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 You've gone away and come back to him, so I'm pretty sure you feel he is the one for you. You've talked it out in therapy as well and decided you still love him. Does he know it? Does he feel it?
Sometimes men equate sex with love. If you are not interested in him physically he probably feels rejected. The picture you paint is of a man whose self esteem has suffered. Yours, on the other hand, has improved. You are feeling better about yourself than ever, and he is feeling worse. He may be depressed, but that is for a professional to assess. At the very least, he is probably depressed about the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage.
My suggestion would be to get into marriage counseling. Don't go to your therapist though. You need an objective third party to help the two of you sort this out and heal your marriage. If you don't do something about it now, my feeling is things will only continue to deteriorate. Your husband is very unhappy, but he does not know how to tell you.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I'm not sure that I have anything resembling wisdom to offer, but I couldn't let such a beautifully written and thoughtful post go unremarked.
It sounds like you're very self-aware, and that you've considered the situation from all angles. I get the impression that your husband was someone who saw his role as your helper and counsellor in those early years, and derived validation from that role. As you've healed and moved forward he's lost that validation, and hasn't yet discovered how to replace it. In general terms this is a challenge that most long-term marriages face -- partners grow in different ways and in different directions.
You mention that he's a "house husband" -- does he work out of the home? Does he have a successful career? In other words, what other validation is he getting in his life? If he doesn't feel fulfilled, and he's no longer "fixing you", then it's a recipe for an early mid-life crisis for him.
You say that you walk away from difficult conversations lest you retaliate or escalate. That in turn leaves issues unresolved. Clearly you need to work on that. From how you describe his style -- stubborn and uncommunicative -- you're going to need the patience of a saint and the skills of a professional counsellor to get through. But you have the will to keep trying.
Recognizing that I have only your side of the story, it sounds like you're prepared to do the difficult work of soul-searching and are prepared to approach the situation with candour. To get him to the same place, he has to come to understand what's at risk -- your marriage and the stable loving home you've built for your child. I'm not sure he can open up in a constructive way until he realizes that's all on the line. But if he's depressed he might be as likely to retreat into defensiveness and denial rather than opening up. All I can suggest is that you remain loving, supportive, and as non-threatening as possible.
I commend you for the progress you've made, and admire your new and healthy approach to life. My best wishes for success as you undertake the difficult work of saving your marriage.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (27 January 2011):
Hi, well I read your whole post and I have to say what a great writer and communicator you are. As I was reading through your account I was thinking to myself "please don't let it end in an affair" and was rather pleased that it didn't :)
It sounds like you have massive insight on your life and your relationship and you also seem to understand your husband very well. I'm sure just a short 12 weeks of therapy can't be responsible for that, maybe it awoke something already inside of you wanting to change?
So what would your hubby say if you showed him your post? Would he agree with it? It sounds like you do have a very good family; regardless of the issues that you have raised.
Does your husband respond well when you reassure him? I mean from what you say, although you have "grown up" since you met him, you still see him as a fantastic human being and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Maybe he needs to hear this reassurance more often?
About the sex issue, maybe you would benefit well to have further therapy to explore this? It sounds like you responded really well to the initial therapy so maybe there is more insight to find there. I suspect though that maybe your lack of sexual desire towards him is a reaction to his lack of him not intimately opening up with you on an emotional level. It sounds like you are an emotionally mature woman and you now require this level of emotional intimacy to be able to be physically intimate, whereas, when you were younger, as you say, you were able to respond sexually because your needs (of needing to be understood) were being met?
I'm guess I'm already stating what you've already said: You need to work out the best way to communicate on these various issues so that you can then get over them. Find out what is stopping him from wanting another child, and also find out where in life HE is unhappy. I wonder, if he had the opportunity to write a post on this website, without you knowing about it, what would he put, when candidly able to express himself? Is there some kind of exercise he could do to find out what he really thinks about the various events of his life in the last 14 years?
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (27 January 2011):
 My thoughts are sometimes going into therapy isnt a good thing. Some people sort their own therapy out by doing caring jobs etc and this brings in a feeling of self worth. Also I think that your age could have also brought these memories on whether you were in therapy or not because when we reach our mid 30's we reassess our lives and repressed memories can surface as we reflect on the way our own children are living and relate and compare to how our childhood was. It's like you could find order out of chaos, you just need to have a plan for yourself and try to put it in to perspective. Sounds like you have the basics there to be going on with your lovely daughter holding y ou together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Walking out is something you do when you know its pointless trying and that person turns it around on you because they know they are wrong. This is a first sign that your not going to ever going to get a fair say or be listened to and walking out to stop it getting worse. I think maybe its going to end eventually. If you wanted to resolve it,unless you get listened to and its acted on,theres not much you can do to resolve anything and it becomes a cycle. You may have to face its over and he will eventually be with someone else,and the quicker he does will show how important you was.
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