A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry guys, it's another porn story, but please listen to me. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2/3 years now. He was wonderful at the start, but then he seemed to stop caring. He wouldn't do anything nice for me, didn't call me beautiful, didn't tell me he loved me much, didn't want kisses or hugs or anything. It went on for a while and we had to take life drawing classes, i wasn't comfortable with him looking at other women naked. I didn't want to tell him not to go or anything i just wanted him to be supportive of me. I was really really upset by it and he treated me like i was insane and stupid, didn't bother giving me the 'your beautiful and i love you millions talk', just 'your stupid for feeling that way and i'm going anyway'. Well that was about a year ago and alot of things have happened since then and he hasn't gotten any better. I've had constant talks with him about what i want in the relationship and he made no effort to satisfy me. The sex was aweful too, it was all for him. (we did have a lot of good days as well, i'm obviously just outlining the bad bits)Well this week he suddenly randomly turned over a new leaf. It was fantastic, i didn't even need to give him a talking to again. He was the best boyfriend i could have hoped for. well... i was suspicious so i checked his computer history today and he had been watching porn and downloading pictures and videos. It's not the worst of porn there isn't any penetration its all just lesbians lying about and hugging and stuff.I don't know what to do. I set the rules when we started dating that i didn't want him watching porn. We were talking about doing another life drawing class recently because i felt i might be able to handle it better. but now i think i can't trust him at all. I think hes randomly started being nice to be because he feels guilty and i think that is an aweful reason to become a better boyfriend. He should have done it years ago and always have been that guy. I work with him at uni and we do projects together, i don't know how to handle this. Do i leave him? give him a second chance? (although this was supposed to be his second chance to be a good boyfriend with the life drawing). If i leave him when do i do it? My parents are on holiday and they left yesterday, i've moved into his for the next two weeks. I don't want to burden my grandparents (who are house watching) and giving them worries right now.
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male
reader, jimrich  +, writes (17 September 2010):
Porn is not the problem.
re: He was wonderful at the start, but then he seemed to stop caring.
....Your problem is that neither of you know exactly how to make a good, loving, trusting, respectful relationship but you can learn how. google: relationship tips and learn something.
re: I've had constant talks with him about what i want in the relationship and he made no effort to satisfy me. The sex was aweful too, it was all for him.
... this is just more of the 'lack of knowledge' to make things work right. You both need to learn how to talk and respond, etc. to arrive at happy solutions.
re: i wasn't comfortable with him looking at other women naked.
....Your other problem is your own low/bad self esteem/worth which can be improved or boosted. When you have high/good self respect, you can handle others behavior better and respond in intelligent, useful ways - not as a hysterical, frightened, angry, hurt little child.
google: self esteem
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): Hi guys. I am the original poster. Firstly i would like to say that we don't live together, i see him twice a week and that is at night (which i generally stay over). We have plenty of time to be apart. The life drawing isn't the issue here, i am fine with it now. The issue is that he was being a horrible boyfriend to me before and ignoring me and not caring about any feelings i had or supported me through ruff patches. The points is that he is now being nice to me and it either spells out to me that hes being nice to get something or hes being nice because he feel guilty. He should always be nice to me.
The whole reason i was upset about the life drawing before was insecurity. He never tells me i'm pretty and i'm the one he wants. He always calls me chubby (which i'm not, i'm like a stick).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): "I set the rules when we started dating that i didn't want him watching porn" - well, that was your FIRST mistake. You can't CONTROL people... just not going to happen. You can make mandates, and then they'll naturally work around them.
Life drawing is nothing to be worried about. 99.99% of the models are not at all attractive (many are male). You need to discover why you are acting this way, and work on that, or your going to repeat this over and over again.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 September 2010):
Hi there. It sounds like you spend a lot of time together. You work together also.
It also sounds like you are living together when you said about checking his computer.
This leaves practically no time to have some time apart. It might be getting a little stifling.
There is really nothing wrong in doing life drawing classes, it is after all art. There is nothing indecent about it whatsoever. He along with the other class members are only sketching what they see. Beyond this, nothing else happens. The model then covers herself then goes home. That's all. If he enjoys this creative class, let him. It's his life. Creativity is a very healthy interest to have, as it stretches the mind. It's also very relaxing and a good way to unwind.
It's important for both partners inside a relationship to feel their personal needs are met. Which includes the freedom to have some time apart pursuing hobbies and interests and having their own friends as well. Not too much time apart but certainly one night a week for a couple of hours. You can do the same. Some time apart on a regular basis, will breathe fresh air into your relationship.
Because you are in a relationship, does not mean you have to be together every minute of every day. That's never a good idea. When that happens, you can start to lose yourself inside the relationship, and have a sense of loss of identity. Also you might start feeling crowded by each other.
It also sounds like you have some trust issues with him. Watching porn on the internet, usually means the person viewing the porn is just bored and looking for some sort of fun and excitement. It's not so much about the porn itself but is more of a substitute in the absence of something better to do. It's definitely a type of escape from the real world.
As well as his art classes, he probably needs to start some other hobbies as well. Perhaps he could get out in the fresh air a couple of days a week and go for a nice long relaxing walk. But don't go with him - let him enjoy his time alone. You both need space.
Unfortunately, you can't really dictate what the other person does with their life. If you give him more space and let him do some things alone, (like going out with his mates once a week), you will probably find that the need for him to escape into watching porn will cease to exist.
It's important that you learn to trust him and let him have a certain amount of freedom. He'll love you for it and will appreciate that you care enough about him to let him have that freedom.
I sincerely hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, spanishquerida +, writes (4 September 2010):
Men watch porn. That's what they do; they are much more visual than us, as women, are and they need that for their fantasy. You cannot expect him to simply drop all of that and leave him for it. It seems a little unreasonable to me. Why don't you try watching some together so you get used to the idea? If he likes it, he's going to do it whether you want him to or not. Besides, watching it together can be quite sexy. It doesn't mean he wants them and not you and it doesn't mean he finds them attractive, it's just the image of it. He doesn't want these women, chances are he doesn't even think they're pretty. It's just a fantasy. If you can't deal with that then maybe you shouldn't be with men for a while. A higher percentage watch porn than don't.
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