A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello readers.I would like some advice regarding what may seem as a trivial matter to some, however for me whether or not due to my past patterns of enabling men to control me etc I am aware that this is happening again, however I'm not sure how to stop it without appearing to be rude.I employed a gardener to mow my lawn and spray weeds in my pavers etc. I offered him a cup of coffee as we do and he said no to coffee but would like a cup of tea. When I gave him the tea he said he would like a chat. I had a coffee at the time and thought he seemed like quite a friendly guy and thought it would do no harm to have a little chat with him. He did some more work and then said he would like another cup of tea and a chat. He then started trying to move up to me on the garden bench and started texting me asking me how my day was and what food I liked and that he would like to take my daughter and I out for dinner.I told him on Saturday that I was going to the movies with my daughter in the afternoon and he asked what time I would be home etc etc and whether he could come back to do more work.I said I was going to my mums for dinner. He then text me later that day and asked me how the movie was and whether I had left the movies and asked me again what I was doing. He also text me that same morning and told me to put the kettle on. I'm feeling pissed off and angry re his persistance towards me and am not interested in him and was merely trying to be polite in offering him a cup of tea.What's more he has to come back to my house to finish the job and I don't want to chat and make him cups of tea. I get the feeling from past expereince that he is another controller and I don't know what to say to him without being rude.I'm so over men like this and am pissed off with myself that I feel that he has already taken advantage of my kindness and generous nature. What can I say to him re his cups of tea and chats that he wants to have without sounding rude?I'm a uni student and single mum and don't want or have the time to do what he wants. I don't owe him anything so I don't know why I am feeling guilty. Could someone please advise.
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 Just point him to the nearest public conveniences, and close the door on him. Don't engage in conversation with him, then you can't get caught up. He's not a child, you don't have to take care of him. I know its difficult when its not your way to be like this, but you have to learn to look after YOU. Damn everyone else - lesson to me too :)))). Don't worry you'll be fine. Remember he has no power over you other than that you're giving him. Picture him as a little toad you can easily tread on then he becomes nothing. xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again. Any advice re: If he says he wants to use my toilet. I don't feel safe having him in the house.
What do I say if he wants to come into my house and use my toilet ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): If you get bad vibes then. After the job is finished say thank you I won't be needing your services anymore and give a tip
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello to all the readers who helped me with the gardener and tea scenario.
He text me again after I ignored his text of how was my day. This time he said
"No pressure, but it would be nice to get some take-aways with you and your daughter.
I text back. No thanks. And when you come to finish the job I will not have time for tea or talking as I am busy with uni work. Thanks
He text back okay I will see you then.
Hoping he's got the message. Just a bit worried if he says he wants to use my toilet again. He used to work as a Security guard and I just get bad vibes from him.
What do I say re the toilet???
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (31 August 2010):
Well first of all stop being nice. Stop worrying about what he thinks of you because he is nothing to you other than someone you are employing, and don't offer him a drink. If he asks for one say you don't have time and try to engage with him as little as possible. Yes it is all about control and about your feeling you don't have the right to be. Stand up for yourself, put yourself first, and don't be threatened by him. You'll feel soooooo good after when you see him out the door with his tail between his legs. Let us know how it goes. You can do this.
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A
female
reader, WhateverMovesThee  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Ok well, have another cup of tea and then tell him : thank you for your hard work and your offers of friendship, I appreciate it. But, I'm a full time student and right now, I want to focus on that and my little girl. I don't have a lot of time for her much less outside friends and family so what time I do have, I want to spend on her. By the way, if you feel this vibe from him, you're probably right. To be safe, have someone else in the house, maybe in the other room when you tell him. I'm not trying to scare but most of the time, controlling men have issues with anger. Best of luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): Stop replying to his texts and when he is doing work make sure you are busy pretending to work
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 August 2010):
 You just have to say "no" to him. For some reason, you equate refusal with rudeness, and that's been tripping you up.
Next time he wants you to put on the tea and chat with you, tell him you have other things to do. If he persists, tell him that he may be a nice guy, but you're just not interested. You *have* to say this. Tell him you want to keep the relationship to employer/employee.
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