A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. So I met a woman online 2 years ago when I was 17 and we started typing to each other really often. It wasn't on a site like facebook or myspace so it was basically anonymous to a degree, with no real orientation around dating or anything like that. However I found myself just really connecting with her (which is hard for me to do with anyone) and eventually we traded msn's and started talking there. She knew I was a pretty paranoid/anxious person but would always understand when i was hesitant to send her any pictures or give her my number. Eventually however I buckled and gave her my number and we started talking on the phone daily too. She liked my accent and I liked hers. Months after that I decided to send her a picture really hesitantly but that seemed to work out ok at least. I'd already seen her before and thought she was cute though.We started saying I love you and left each other hearts and things but I was never really sure how 'real' it can be. Online relationships to me seemed bizarre and unrealistic. One of the reasons I felt a lack of the 'realness' to it was the main part to the story: How she's 40+ and married with 3 kids.She started asking me to come see her, which would mean going to another country. I was pretty scared and had to think about it for a very long time just like before I sent her my picture but eventually I agreed. She booked my ticket and I flew out there at 18.When I got there and saw her at the airport my nerves suddenly took a backseat and I just felt so happy and content to see her. We'd been talking so long it was almost like seeing an old friend or something.2 weeks of bliss later and i'm back home now feeling clueless and depressed and wondering what im supposed to do with myself now. But that's not all i'm thinking. I'm not sure I wanna be "the other guy" at my age, or some excuse to end her relationship or, even worse, an excuse to rekindle it. It was a sexless marriage and has been for 3 or so years, so I made sure to provide her with what she needed, but I can't really cope not knowing what she's gonna do with the marriage or her kids. She just always says she takes things one step at a time and doesnt think too far ahead which is a cop out to me. I'm not sure I can really deal with falling in love; not knowing whether i'm as insignificant as a first affair in a long line of them, or just a reminder of how good sex feels so she knows to get her husband to perform for her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): How difficult would a long term relationship/marriage be with what you have outlined:
If you were the same age this would difficult.
If you were from the same cultural background this would be difficult.
If she was already divorced this would be difficult.
If she had no children this would be difficult.
If it wasn't an online relationship this would be difficult.
Get were I'm going with this?
My young friend, I am sure you feel a love connection with this woman but, for your sake, her sake, her childrens sake and her husbands sake you MUST take the high road here because she clearly will not and end this relationship now!
It will be painful for you and her but not nearly as painful as it will be if this relationship takes futher steps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): Yeah she's always talking about how she thinks I should be with girls my own age who 'dont have baggage' but I don't wanna be. Until the day she stops saying she loves me then I don't think a relationship is meant to be thrown away when a little perseverance can be shown instead
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A
female
reader, ania78  +, writes (22 May 2010):
Hi,
You are far too young for her. Do you really want to commit to a woman who is over 40 when you are just 20? She is old enough to be your mother. You have your whole life ahead of you, whereas she obviously has baggage, and lots of it. Forget it and find a girl your age. And think about the pain you might cause this woman in the future if you do start a relationship with her and then leave her for someone else. If the sex was good that's great, but you can't base a relationship on that. In fact, you shouldn't be speaking of being in a relationship with her in the first place as you've only met her for the first time recently. I really don't think knowing her online for 3 years counts. Until you are with a person and know them face to face for a long time, it is hard to tell if you will get on long-term.
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A
female
reader, candigurl26 +, writes (22 May 2010):
most likely she is not going to leave her husband. and even if she did are you ready to have a ready made family. be a father to her kids. her husband probably thinks everything is all fine and dandy in their marriage. and sorry to say if she cheats on him what makes you think she is not gonna do the same to you and what makes you think u are the only other guy she is seeing. think about it. she lives in another country. and she could easily fly someone else right over the way she did you. you are too young to be mixed up in all this she is not right for you please don't be a home wrecker. you can do better find someone who can give you what you want and need.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): She didn't book the tickets around her husband, I was asked what dates I wanted. She just said she was going away for a couple days to the family, spent some time with me, and occasionally went back to see the kids.
And granted she's not taking it one step further because the next step would be destroying the family and I dont want that either really. She calls me daily and is constantly communicating with me so i'm not doubting her affection for me at this point. And she's always talking about her kids so she isn't distancing me at all from her situation. And she would always say "there will never be a right time you just have to go ahead and do it" to me when I was backing out of things so it's funny you'd say that medha.
I just tried to look at it as a free trip to her country all expenses paid at first. I'm not some love-struck sucker but I do care about her so dont know what to do from here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): Regardless of whether or not you're just a first affair or a potential new long-term partner, you will be responsible for breaking up a marriage. Not only that, but you will shatter a family of three kids.
I guess it just depends if you can life with that.
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A
female
reader, medha  +, writes (22 May 2010):
 Hi
Hate to say it sweetie, but when a person you are in a relationship with (in real or virtual life) isn't doing anything at all to further the relationship or take it to the next level, isn't all that invested in it at all.
I think that the lady in question appreciates you and likes your attention, but doesn't really feel for you as much you feel for her!
You are so correct in thinking that perhaps the 'one step at a time' is a cop out for her, because she just might not be ready for that step and doesn't know for sure if she ever will be!
I will tell you what, you take a little break from her, and see if that makes her rethink her options!
And also, your options. This is the time to make her face the consequences... all or nothing.
And also, are you really ready to handle someone that experienced and probably emotionally broken too... think of the baggage! If you have to carry all of them alone, then it will be a really laborious life!
Best of Luck!
And ((((((((hugs))))))))))
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 May 2010):
 Oh sweetie..I'm sorry. Of course you are confused! But..the bottom line is that she IS married, there are children involved, and you live in different countries. How are you really going to make this work? And do you even want to? I personally know how draining a LDR is, and they are difficult enough without bringing in kids, and a married person! She isn't committing to so what is she really giving you? Friendship I guess? Darling, you're so young..do you really want to be involved in this kind of drama? I think you might be much happier to look around closer to you. I just don't see any real chance for this working with all the baggage she is bringing into it. I'm sorry.
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A
male
reader, Dave177  +, writes (22 May 2010):
Hey buddy,
I've been the 'other man' before, to someone that was only a few years my senior and at first it was great! But as time wore on it gets harder and harder.
I think the main issue for myself was that I was investing a lot of time and energy with someone I genuinely cared a great deal about, with no real hope for a relationship. You begin to resent the time they spend with their partners - even when they profess they're unhappy doing so.
But, saying all of that, I'm not you. That was my experience, unfortunately not a good one, but that's not to say yours will be the same :-)
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A
male
reader, ja23689 +, writes (22 May 2010):
Whoa this is a biggie theres nothing you can really do. You just have to choose..
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