A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:His baby mom won’t leave him alone. His baby mother told him she will never allow him to happily be with someone else and has been tormenting us ever since. She’s in another country. What I’m upset is about the fact that I have given 200 percent to a relationship with a man who cannot control his baby mother. I am naturally a nurturer, a hunter, a protector and a provider. Reason being is because I am the oldest in my family and have always been in the position to lead. These characteristics never leave me. I apply them in my relationship. And I feel like I’ve given way too much to now have to deal with baby mama drama. I feel like I deserve someone who have better control of their situations. Am I wrong?I am in love with this person and I feel like I’ve found my soul mate. It’s been two years, he has never raised his voice at me. He is a really good guy and he’s so sweet. He’s lost everything for the past year and I’ve been supporting him including his child but I cannot deal with this drama for the rest of my life. She has reached out to me just to disrespect me and cause chaos. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose what we have but this is not what I imagine my life to be like.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (18 March 2022):
 This is precisely why I don't date guys with kids. As previously mentioned by other aunts, you sound like your mind is already made up to stay. So anything that anyone says will go in one ear and out of the other. I'll add my two cents... Hopefully it helps.
I think that the calibre of the woman that you are and the type of man that he is, don't mix. On so many levels. If I were you, I probably would've walked away from this during the talking stages before the relationship began. Mainly because, when you choose to date a single parent, you have to accept all sorts of drama and inconveniences into your life in one way or another. I'm not willing to settle for that.
The fact that you're an alpha female doesn't help the situation. I'll elaborate... You're a protector, provider, nurturer etc and he's basically the little injured bird that you found that you now take pride in getting to rehabilitate and take care of. The problem is that it's not your place to. Birds crap all over the place. Weird analogy but bear with me. You've basically taken on a project of a man that isn't man enough for himself yet so you're now playing a role that isn't yours to play; being man enough for both of you and a child that isn't yours. You're going to wear yourself out. This man has no control over his circumstances or his life on a whole, whatsoever. None. If he can allow an old flame that isn't even remotely close to where you are to have access to you, number one, and harass you, number two, then what are you doing with him?! Clearly he's nothing like you. That says a lot about this guy because he isn't able to provide, not even for a child he had a hand in bringing into this world, but he isn't even able to protect you from this nonsense and create boundaries with his ex. There's absolutely nothing that you can do about this woman because he's allowing all of this to take place. Who are you in this situation? The new flame in her eyes. She knows that she has him in a way that you never will. She's the first woman to give this guy a child. A living legacy. That's huge for a man.
How exactly are you supporting him and his child? Because you moved away from that very quickly in your text.
My dear, this situation isn't for you. I feel sorry for you if a part of you feels like this is all that you deserve out of life and from a partner.
I'd suggest leaving while you still can. Whether or not you listen is entirely up to you because you've got two choices...
1. Leave
2. Stay and accept that you're with someone that probably will never be able to protect you from this nightmare or provide for you.
The choice is yours.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 March 2022):
 Well, as you are not going to leave him anytime soon - because you "love him" - you need to try to make the best of the situation.
You - and he - can't control the actions of others. The only thing over which you have control is how you react to her. How does she manage to make contact with you? She has no right to make any contact whatsoever with you. In this day and age, it is easy enough to block someone with whom you genuinely don't want contact.
You boyfriend is in a slightly more difficult situation because I assume he doesn't want to lose contact with his child. He needs to learn to let what she does and says roll off him. Furthermore, he needs to stop involving you, which he obviously does because, otherwise, how would you know about it?
I do have to wonder how - and why - this lady knows about YOU. I think there is more to this story than you have put in your post.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2022): Typo corrections:
"If you're so in-love, how much drama and interference are you willing to put-up with, while having a weakling of a man who can't control some embittered-woman he left behind with his kid?"
"Does he pay his child-support regularly and on-time(?)"
"Girl, what [have] you stepped-in?!!"
"He [has] somehow hurt that [woman] to the degree she has presumably lost her mind; and she is just sieving with anger and vengeance."
P.S.
You've decided you want to keep him. Are you here just to vent, or would you even consider the advice to leave him and all this drama behind you?
There is no advice anyone can give to make her leave him alone; when she has a child connected with the man you say you love. She comes with the baby and the baggage. Deal with it, if you want to keep the man. Maybe in time, she will settle-down.
You mentioned he lost everything. Is he still broke? That gives me reason to believe maybe he has neglected his financial-responsibilities for his child, and this is all about child-support! If the kid is in another country, how often does he see the child?
If he owes back-support, or isn't sending enough money; my advice to her would be, "be relentless!" Get what you're owed! It's for the sake of the kid! Otherwise, her bitter-feelings and jealousies are irrelevant; if it's clear he has left her for somebody else. He's too far out her reach to really be bothered himself; so, as I said, all the hell falls on you! You don't really know the whole story. Truth be told, why should you care?
You know, guys in his position will always have a ready-made story about how terrible his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend is, or was. She will somewhat corroborate or affirm his story; if she throws temper-tantrums, and creates a lot of drama. You just want the man; you couldn't care less about the child, or how he hurt her. You have your own selfish-reasons.
Just consider that hurt and desperate people (you and me included) don't always behave properly. A mother who needs financial-support for her child has to be, as I've suggested, relentless!!! Hope you'll never have to be in her shoes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2022): You said you're in-love with him. The infamous disclaimer: "But I love him!"
When that shield goes up, not even a nuke can penetrate it.
That's an indication you won't leave him. Well, his baby's mother has informed the both of you she will remain a thorn in your side for all eternity. She is going to test just how deep your love goes.
Now lets get real. If you're so in-love, how much drama and interference are you willing to put-up, having a weakling of a man who can't control some embittered-woman he left with his kid?
You have a choice, and it's your life. You are the third-side of a triangle of drama; and somehow, the man in these situations always lack the balls to deal with some scorned-female he left behind with his kid. He's so darling? Then why is she so mad??? He didn't leave her for you by any chance? Did you meet when he was still with her? These are rhetorical-questions, I wouldn't expect a totally honest answer. She doesn't get to tell her side; so in fairness, I give her some benefit of the doubt. She may be crazy with jealousy; but she is also the mother of his child. I refuse to believe he's some angel, and she's the she-devil demonizing his life.
That kid is his kid, until the day one of either of them dies. Until the child reaches a legal-age he no longer has to pay child-support; and until that time, you will have to deal with the embittered-woman who feels she was wronged by your so-called sweet and wonderful man.
If he's so wonderful, how on earth did he wind-up with a child with such a terrible woman? He doesn't seem to have balls, or good-sense in whom he chooses to have unprotected sex. It would behoove you to always use protection; or you may be the next baby-mama who has lost her mind behind a man. Have a little sympathy. She's in pain. It's all about a man.
You are the one all the hell is falling upon. I can't see how a woman living in another country can cause so much ruckus? Does he pay his child-support regularly and on-time. If he has lost everything; then maybe it's all about the money she needs for their kid. If he neglects his responsibilities, you'd be enraged yourself. Walk a mile in her shoes! He up and left her in another country, and now he's with you.
Girl, what did you stepped-in?!!
I mean, how long are her arms to reach, and how loud can she shout, from across the globe? If she lived in the next town, I could see how she'd be such an unholy-terror; but being a long-distance baby-mama should neutralize some of her toxicity. Why does she have your number? Block her!
Why is it in all the stories of this type, the guy is always so helpless and unable to get things under control? In most cases, it's because he is (or was) a certified d!ck in his past-life; and he screwed some female over. Now he's your precious, and she's just a monster in the distance; who won't leave either of you alone.
She doesn't get to tell her side of this. You have a choice, not to remain the third-side of a drama-triangle. The remedy is to cut all ties, and find yourself a man with his testicles in-tact; with no screeching-shrew giving him baby-mama drama. Hence, you can have the happily ever-after you truly deserve. It's not like you have no choice, or no other options.
You've chosen to compete for the man. Then it's your WWF wrestling match to contend. Your competition is obviously fierce! I hope the prize is worth it.
You want a man that comes with baggage. It's now also your burden to bear. What advice do you expect from outsiders? Her heels are dug-in! You're in for the long-haul! He must be gorgeous, and a treasure to behold!
Your so-called wonderful man impregnated the wrong lady; and your options are open. You can bailout when you've finally had your fill of it. Were it me, I would have been long-gone from all this drama! I don't want nobody that badly! I have a fierce aversion to drama! I'd have to wonder why anyone could be so upset with somebody who is supposedly such a prize? Girlfriend, this goes way beyond just baby-mama drama. He somehow hurt that women to the degree she has presumably lost her mind; and she is just sieving with anger and vengeance.
If the iron pan is hot, don't expect to touch the handle and not get burned! She's red hot! That's because she got stabbed in the heart, and you're the salt he pours on her wounds.
I hope he's worth it all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2022):
 Yikes OP!
No one wants that kind of drama (except the drama llamas).
The thing is, HE is the father of her child so the child (and HER) will always be in his life.
YOU (and to a degree your BF) have NO control over the baby momma. Whatsoever.
It is UP to him to set boundaries with her.
You on the other hand, have a few choices.
1. You can walk away. I know this is the hardest choice because you care about him.
2. You can ignore the baby-momma. BLOCK her on everything. She doesn't NEED to contact you AT ALL. Especially if she can not be civil.
3. You can suck it up for HIS sake and be miserable.
4. set FIRM boundaries with him AND her.
Also, there are some apps that parents who don't live together, are divorced, or don't get along anymore can use to parent together. WITHOUT having to deal with drama.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2022): It would help if you could be a bit more specific. For instance, how does,in practice, this woman torment you ,when she lives in another country ? what can she do to give you a hard time on a day to day basis ? If all she can do ( and I am not saying this is the case ) is to reach out and disrespect you ...simple, don't allora it.Obviously you do not need to be in touch with this woman, you can just block her on your phone, email, and all social media. If you have no direct contact with her, she can 't involve you in dramas , and you won't have to ,voluntarily or not, feed the drama. Of course this may be a bit too simplistic,-there may be other things going on enabling her to be more relevant in your life than as just the mother of your bf's kid. But since we do not have any more background about the situation, I doubt that in lack of that you can get effective advice from here.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (11 March 2022):
 It's an awkward situation to be in, i don't know how old the child is, but if he/she is still very young then you could be dealing with this for a number of years.
My son is older now, but when he was younger she was similar to your boyfriends baby mother which made having subsequent relationships very difficult.
I guess he could cut her off, but then that would put his relationship with his child in to difficulty, i would advise he gets a court order and something legally set in stone so that he has rights.
How often does he see his child if she is in another country?. You could actually take this as a positive really, at least she is in another country and not turning up at your door causing disruption.
I get the feeling you are half and half as to whether you want to stay in this relationship, by your own admission you say that you deserve someone who has control of their situations.
At the end of the day you know how you feel, your health and happiness are the most important things. If you feel like nothing is getting any better then maybe its time to throw in the towel and call it a day.
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