A
female
age
30-35,
*ose231
writes:Dear cupid,I have been seeing my bf for about a year and a half now and things have been changing. In school he always downgrades me infront of hits mates like grabs my butt.. I find it very uncomfy. In school he always acts like I am his property an object sort of not as a gf. Like I can not talk to any other guys, or wear certain clothes he says. It seems as if everything I do that makes me feel good is wrong to him. Like I have recently had a knee surgery and was not expected to play hockey this year. I am on a varsity team and was named a captain. It killed me. However after going through surgery I have been making quick recovery and I will be able to play!!!!! When I told him. He was not happy or supportive of me. He said I couldn't play because he "said so." I don't get why he started acting controlling like this in the last few months. I know what a great guy he used to be. Is this normal?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): your 16, this time in 10 years he will be a distant memory believe you me
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 He sounds like a total TOOL!
It is not normal to treat your GF/BF like he treats you. Dump his dumb-ass! You can do SOOOOOOOO much better!
Good Luck with the hockey!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2012):
 “He always downgrades me in front of his mates”
“I cannot talk to other guys or wear certain clothes”
“he said I couldn’t play because he said so”
THIS IS NOT NORMAL. He is controlling and it will only get worse and this type of behavior often leads to physical abuse.
I have a partner who is very precise about what I wear. He prefers me in dresses and heels… when I wear pants he threatens to burn them but he’s been told he only has a say in what I wear when we go out on date night…. And even then he gets an opinion. I get final say ALWAYS.
ONE person should NEVER control another person. This means they have no say in what you wear, what you eat, who you are friends with…. If he “forbids” you to do things this is not love. This is not healthy and it’s not the way good relationships go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Like others have already said, this is not a healthy relationship and you are possibly headed for some serious trouble. You need to get out of this. I was with someone very much like that. It started as perfect as a dream and ended in a nightmare. You really are too young to be putting up with this kind of behavior. No matter how much you might care for him (even for as awful as he is treating you), you need to cut him off NOW. If a guy really cares for you he will RESPECT you. He will NOT make you feel uncomfortable. He will be careful with you. He will be genuinely concerned for you health. He will be ENCOURAGING and SUPPORTIVE. LOTS of red flags here. This guy could ruin your life or worse. Do not allow him to control you any more. Get out now!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 I agree that his overbearing behaviour is, in part, motivated by fear, but it is also driven by narcissism and laziness.
Successful relationships require some work and sacrifice. He's only interested in the rewards and knows that isn't good enough for most people. Someone who has other options (friends, hobbies, career, faith in oneself, etc etc) will leave him. Someone who doesn't won't and he's grooming you to be that someone.
Ask yourself this. Is your life with this guy so wonderful and fulfilling that you would give up everything to be with him?
My advice is to leave him. If he wants to change, he can do that on his own time. Only consider taking him back when he's had at least a year of being a better person under his belt and don't hesitate to dump again, permanently, at the first sign of trouble. He doesn't get the same benefit of the doubt you'd give anyone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): You need to break up with him. He should support you every step of the way. He should also respect your space which means not touching you in inappriate areas. He's controlling you because he's insecure with himself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is not right, he is taking control of you because he thinks he can. Years ago yes, this was normal but its 2012 and us women have rights not to be treated like that. You should talk to him about it and see if he changes, if not I would say good bye to him.
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female
reader, katiekate +, writes (4 March 2012):
 No one should put up with such treatment, especially not someone as young as you are. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste your precious teenage years tied to a guy like this. And trust me- things will only get worse if you continue to tolerate his behavior. Move on and meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (4 March 2012):
I think joeyb67p nailed it. during my past relationship i was exactly like your bf. Nice then became controlling like him. It was because i was afraid of losing her so i was holding on too tight. I became jealous and controlling because i carred about her alot. She talked to me about it and i didnt really understand how much it was bothering her. She told me and i stopped for like a couple weeks. Then went back to being controlling. She broke up with me and that was my wake up call for my actions. We broke up for like a week and she took me back after we talked. I stoped being controlling and i was a completely different person. I think talking to him is the best thing you can do. And explaining to him how much it is bothering you. if he cant change breaking up is best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 He said I couldn't play because he "said so."
Oh, come on. You are 16/17 now, life expectancy for females in the UK is 80+. Think very carefully about this ..... if you stay with this controlling moron thats another 63 years of being controlled and being told what you can do and what you can't do. Is that REALLY how you want to live the rest of your life?
I suggest you start now as you should continue, that's being your OWN woman, and not an object belonging to someone else, tell him to take his antiquidated ideas and grabbing hands elsewhere as you have a life to live!
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A
female
reader, itcantjustbeme +, writes (4 March 2012):
 This could not be the case but it looks as if he's picking up emotionally abusive behaviors... These people get joy out of distancing people from others who love them because they can as well as denying their partners rights and property just because. It may not be true, but it doesn't look like its going to get healthy soon.You're better leaving the relationship and possibly helping him with his issue as a friend, but if gets more complicated than that then maybe you should leave him be.My best friend had a boyfriend like that, she loved him to death, it got to the point where if I was on the phone with her he had to be in the room, he checked her messages no matter how many times she changed her pass. Then it got physical. Don't be that girl. Because it's a slippery slop of seeing how much they can get away with and pushing it just a bit further.
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male
reader, jamespike +, writes (4 March 2012):
This is not normal. This is not ok. I don't understand the sudden shift. But this is not how a man treats someone he love. Move on.
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A
male
reader, joeyb67p +, writes (4 March 2012):
 The best thing for you to do if you like this guy is to sit down in a quiet place away from distractions have have an open honest discussion. Try to let him know how his behavior make you feel. Chances are he is being protective because he has feelings of insecurity. The better you look/dress and the more social you become creates an opportunity for other guys to see you and appreciate the beautiful girl that you are.With this happening your bf probably is afraid to lose you. Holding on too tight will ensure that this will happen. Relationships are hard and there will always be some degree of trust issues, insecurity and jealousy. It is the truly strong relationships where we are able to keep these feelings in check and allow each other some freedom and space.Maybe you have these feelings because you want to be free to flirt with other guys and maybe even date someone else. In the beginning a little clinginess is cute and appreciated. But as you want to have other things in your life, you may see the same behavior as controling. Either way, be honest with yourself and him and have fun!
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