A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi aunts and uncles,I have a problem, my bf is really upset at me at the moment, im going out to dinner with my ex later, bf has expressed how much he dosent like me seeing him as it is for coke and a chat in the pub, but he says its not right we should go to dinner and he feels hes being dis respected because of this, i told him that the ex is not a threat since he cheated and i made him cheat with me just before i started my new/current relationship. Once i started my relationship i rebuilt my friendship with my ex, at first just looking for closure and because my ex said sorry for cheating, which is hard for him to own up to stuff.My bf beleives this isnt reason enough because he's not had the luxury of closure and persuing it is going to lead to problems, my bf is concerned that i, giving my ex too much credit than he is worth. my bf brings up the example of his ex, who was abusive mentally and physically and a cheater we have massive arguments about her, cause she beat him up i dont want her near him! He thinks its up to him who he forgives and lets into his life, he lets me see my ex with what he claims to be 'minimal' protest. My ex also sends my bf messages over facebook trying to wind him up, my bf gets annoyed and asks me to get my ex to stop, i dont see why he cannot ignore my ex's childish comments '**** is a rapist, kiddie fiddler, drug dealer and a controll freak' ,y ex thinks its funny to wind people up, i cant see why its a problem, i tell my ex to stop, but he dosent, hes recently been good and just sending the messages to my phone, i never let my bf see it, so thats good. I tell him if he looks through my phone it means he cant trust me and should leave, hes pretty scared cause his ex made him insecure n whenever i leave my phone with him, he does pick it up and put it down like hes fighting some invisible force, i ask him why the lack of trust because i see how tempted he is to look, he says its knowing my ex texts and rings often and probably from when my cousin ratted me out from when i kissed 'zeke' in a club 5 months into our rel, my bf knows 'zeke' was someone i crushed on heavily before he turned up, i still talk to zeke and let my bf know from time to time, when zeke comes back from iraq im going out to have a happy return drink with him, my bf wants to come, but i want to keep it me and zeke, this the bf said is a bit of a problem to him, he says i can go, cause if anything happens between me and zeke again its on my shoulders n his morals aren't jaded (i guess its a meeke attempt at trust with reminding me that i would feel guilty).He says hes happy with me, just my ex and zeke causing him concerns, i dont see why my bf thinks me dis respectful. Isnt it black and white? N if i was to cheat or do anything (i dont think i would or have the intention to) my bf wouldnt be able to stop it? I often say to my bf 'if we split can we still do this or that?' my bf says thats not right to be asking those questions, if i can ask him as my bf what did i ask my ex and do in terms of tjose questions.Another problem i have is between my bf and a recently introduced friend of mine, im scared theyre getting close quickly, shes my ex's little sister though, but i still worry. I have been avoiding them meet because she'll report what my bf is like to my ex and shell talk behind my back about him, like she does me and my other friends, i dont want her to judge my bf badly or tell my ex about how he is such a nice guy ect. They first met briefly the other day to wich they only spoke a couple of words (they are both shy), then they met again properly last night, he was talking over my shoulder while hugging me from behind to her, asking her about her tattoos and her pets, job etc, he was quite concerned about her after a man tried to chat her up and man-handled her. He kept an eye on her for the night, asking me where she is, he bought me and her drinks, and she seems to have taken a bit of a liking to him aswell as she was returning his questions. I was fully expecting her to hate him and not talk to him, i told him how i was suprised about how well he got on with her...he said 'shy peoples touch i guess?' while shrugging, he gave me a hug and a kiss to re assure me. He was also pleased with himself that he got on so well with her, because iv painted such a bad portriat of her for his own protection and to keep him seperate from my friends as much as possible n my ex. Rant over, am i a mean gf? And should i be concerned about bf getting close to ex's sister?.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): firstly, you should not be going to dinner with your ex, and you should let your boyfriend join in if you really dont want him to doubt you. its hard to judge someones intentions when you havent met them, even if they have tormented you, knowing the character and that they do it for self amusement makes it a little easier to bear.
I doubt your boyfriend will stick around for long if ur gonna keep this kind of baggage around, also your "friend" zeke, that *you* kissed and got ratted on by your cousin....why do you carry on talking to him when you where already tempted once to kiss him? its gonna make it difficult for your boyfriend to trust you again if you keep regular contact with zeke. thats just unfair and torturous, are you some-kind of succubus? you dont deserve your boyfriend
as with regards to your friends, you are worried because sub-consiously you know you treat your bf like shit, and paranoia will set in, because after-all talking to this crush and your bastard ex is keeping your boyfriend from loving you fully, and he may look for a way out through your friends, i think you fully deserve the worry about your friend frankly. you are just jealous they get on so well, and why do you want to keep you bf seperate from your friends? im sure he lets you talk to his freely?
your a hypocrite and a selfish spoilt little brat.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 How about if your BF goes out with his ex and you aren't invited?I could barely read the post from all the selfishness and drama you spout. Its all about YOU, YOU, YOU!!!You need to grow up and realize that the world does not revolve around you and if you want to end up getting treated like shit down the line keep doing what you are doing. You crave drama and attention and chaos.Exes are exes for a reason and you cant be friends with them especially if you broke up over cheating. Plus you are a cheater yourself(or so you said).Good Lord, don't you know anything about the aspect of respect? You don't demand it, you get it by giving it. You need to grow up. Reread your post. Can you see why I would question you? Your BF is acting out because you are showing him DEEP DISRESPECT
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): You have no respect for your boyfriend!! Sorry but he's the guy in your life now, not your ex, leave that boy in the past. Is this new guy seriously worth losing because you want to be friends with someone who abused you and hurt you? Seriously think about who you would rather have in your life if you had to choose. Of course your boyfriend is upset, and because the other guy is YOUR ex, it's up to you to tell him to stop sending those messages to your boyfriend. Honestly, it sounds like you don't deserve this guy based on the way you treat him.
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A
female
reader, funkilla +, writes (1 March 2010):
Why shouldn't he get along with your friends? Isn't that the same as you getting along with your ex? Its pretty selfish, and if you've given him reason for concern in the past ("Zeke") then he's well within reason to be concerned about you meeting up with your ex. Its not about trust at this point. Your boyfriend trusted you before, and you kissed another guy that you had feeling for while you were dating him. Ouch. No wonder he doesn't want you to go out with another guy you had feelings for.
I realize that's not answering your question directly, but definitely something you have to think about.
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