A
female
age
51-59,
*emeplev
writes:Hi there Aunts, I have a continuing saga question...I can't seem to find my own way thru the fog yet have the nerve to give out advice to others that seems so clear to me. So humbly I need to ask how to handle myself, as I probably know what to do in the depths of my soul yet cant find the answers almost like I'm senile. My boyfriend of 1.5 yrs or so when I met him was involved with being on a dart team every Tuesday night for the last 20 yrs or so as well as Thurs softball, Friday night boys night, and Sunday afternoon evening ham radio events as well antique car shows and parades. He works full time at a great job for 16 yrs and is a wonderful guy. Never married, no kids many flings, and short term relationship and a few longer ones none very long, the longest and the most committed one was for approximaetly 2 yrs. He also at the beginning of our relationship when we were just old friends catching up before dating he told me he was never really totally faithful but I cant remember the context of that conversation exactly. Well after he was found at a girls house from darts for "coffee". Who I later found out was after him and also I posted a question about whether you aunts thought he was lying...well things have been ok to good, his mom has since died i was her caregiver and he made me feel awesome like i mattered during the last month and at the wake and funeral, which by the way this girl had the gall to show up to and come up to me and not even visit his mom at the casket..says to to me how she called and texted him and called and texted she is there for him she will cook cause hes all alone now and ..oh yea for me too and she tells me for me to tell him cause he didn't respond to only the very last text about cooking for him....i thanked her told her it was nice of her to show up and that he will be happy to hear that she is there for him and for her to tell him and not me..I was soooo nice and polite and kind and btw I looked hot. I made sure i wore a black dress very classy but sexy in its own right. I was a lady I was HIS lady he introduced me to ALL his ex's who came ALL his flings, ALL the married ones he fooled around with etc as his girlfriend... My issue is this girl, she is on the BOYS dart team because the girls at the other bar ostracized her because she was going after all the GF's and wives men...I told him she was trouble and told him that she is looking to get beat up as I heard there are some very angry women who really threatened her...anyway Tuesdays are horrible for me, horrible...horrible, I get awful anxiety. I know that I cant really ask him to stop playing or to stop talking to her or to anyone, and he already knows I don't like her, he already knows by my recent reactions to him and darts that I am not happy. I decided to take a class in the city on Tuesdays told him i need to go out and make new friends. I feel so badly yet I feel silly that I cant control these awful feelings. Not sure what my question is, maybe how do I handle myself? I love him never said it to him and he has NEVER said it to me the closest was after the "finding" him at a girls house lie...he said he hasnt said he loves me yet cause hes not there just yet, but wants me for long term..as I type this my heart just sank... please advice, a slap into reality, whatever, Thank you guys so much! SO SORRY ITS SO LONG.
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female
reader, demeplev +, writes (17 October 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes at anonymous male, he told me about his unfaithfulness way before we got together..and at anonymous female: I love the point that what shes doing means shes not closer to him its not working because she had to inform me of this..nice! never thought of that..and ps he knows matter of factly that I have always had male friends the same crew since i was a kid he knows about them and i believe that he is very mature and he feels that men and women can and do have friends of the opposite sex..he is not the jealous type AT ALL :( I dont believe he is playing games because hes been on this darts team for 20 plus yrs and he supposedly has know her for three as an aquaintance at darts..i just dont like that she is there i dont like the enviroment and i wish he wouldnt go anymore especially because of her..i know from hearsay that she had been after him..but i also know via her own words to me she only wants sex from guys as she just got div this past january..i wish i was strong enough to ignore this whole situation..strong enough to trust him to believe that no matter what she does he will push her away. i guess deep down even tho he said he was never intrested and never had any sexual contact period deep down i feel like i dont believe that..but he says no, and his actions seem to be in agreeance to that but i am anxious about all this...sorry guys i think i get its me..or im just sticking my head in the sand and not seeing something? not sure confused totally.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): I would seriously not show her nor let her threaten my relationship, I would go to extreme lengths to make sure that she knows he is with me. The plus side, she cannot be getting any closer to your BF if she now has to "tell" you about her calls and message. It appears clearly what she is doing is not working.
I would also ensure my BF knows about my male friends, so he knows that he is not the only one that can have females around - childish but has the desired effect.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): "he told me he was never really totally faithful".
He was warning you to not have too high expectations about his monogomy, that he can't be totally trusted. A man would never say this to a woman he intended to be faithful to. You have good reason to be troubled!!
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (17 October 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand yes if you see my old questions I certainly have trust issues that HE imposed upon me by lying to me about his whereabouts when i caught him at her house for "coffee" he swears they are just dart friends and it was just coffee but why lie then? he says he didnt want to rock the boat he thought i might get upset...hmmm obviously i want to believe that..obviously i kinda dont and even if i do i feel that he now has given me a pass to not always believe him..yes trust issues.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (17 October 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Edddie85..I did meet her twice once at darts after this "lie" because he wanted me to meet her and at the wake last month where she was obviously trying to get me upset by saying to me she was talking and texting him all week and kept repeating it to me AT HIS MOMS WAKE! He was unaware and i told him what she said he was surprised and said she only said goodbye and nothing else. There is no other night he has been on that dart team for a zillion years and I met him while he was already on the team I used to be soooo happy for himand his hobbies i used to say have a great time..now i can barely muster up a ok do well hun...I know this is my problem i know i cannot ask him to stop i know i cannot ask him to stop communicating with her...i just wish he would on his own fruition..tuesdays suck for me.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 October 2012):
 It certainly sounds like there are some trust issues going on in your relationship.
Your boyfriend's past history is that of a player and it sounds like he has had his pick of the litter so to speak. Add an attractive girl to the mix who apparently has the hots for him, I can definitely see why you are worried.
I'll be honest, a happy, well content man will not drift and if after 1.5 years of being with this man, you don't know whether to trust him, then I think you have much bigger issues in your relationship to deal with than a tramp with the hots for taken men.
However, if you are concerned about him, I would suggest you do the following:
1) Go with him to darts, if nothing more than to spectate. You'll be making your claim that this is your man and you should be able to keep this home wrecker away. You could even introduce yourself and make yourself somewhat of an acquaintance to her.
2) Speak with your boyfriend about your concerns and see how he reacts. Is he attracted to her? Is he dodgy when you bring up the subject? Does he understand why you feel the way you do? Is this all in your head and you are buying into all the gossip surrounding this woman? Is he holding you hostage with her (i.e. you have to do what he says or else he's got another girl in the wings?)
These are all important questions that you should be able to answer to reassure yourself. Also see if he is open to switching to a different night or to a different team, if nothing more than to make you sleep better.
3) Finally: let it go if you can trust in your relationship. If your boyfriend is going to cheat on you, it is better you find out now rather than down the road. You'll be able to tell if he takes it beyond a mild flirtation to something more serious just by his actions.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (17 October 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol sageoldguy1465...THANKS for making me LAUGH thank you you ade my night..but honestlyI cant take up darts because she is on the MENS team and if i do that then he will know my antics..plus i suck at darts plus the scummy places they play..no thank you not my scene, he always said it wasnt his either...but he keeps on playing..he is very good tho. i want to throw darts at her and sometimes him to..lol
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Without even reading your missive, I knew the answer:
Take up darts, yourself.... and, when your competitor comes within range, plug her with your dart(s)!!!!
Good luck...
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