A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is my boyfriend a sex pest or am I just uninterested?I am a 42 year old divorced mother of two kids. I've been told I look young for my age and I think I do too. I waited two years before I "let down my walls" and just jumped head first into a relationship with a guy. He is 11 years younger than me and I was really flattered that this cute guy wanted me. It started off pretty well. We had a lot of fun together both alone and with my kids. It was really passionate and I loved every minute of it! We got serious pretty fast and he asked me to marry him after about two months. I didn't say yes or no I just said lets take it day by day. While he has his own place, he spent 90% of his time at mine. We lived like a family but I never felt like he really connected with my kids. He was always nice but not really interested in learning more about them etc. He was much more interested in having sex with me. The sex was good. The best I've ever had actually but it's become a problem. Anyway, enough background info.... onto the problem. He wants sex three plus times a day. I feel like I'm always pushing him away. I would love sex one time a day but after two times, it loses it's magic for me and he can't "finish" and becomes frustrated and blames me for stopping even though I'm hurting. He will NOT take no for an answer. He pesters and pesters me to the point that I'm crying. I cry more nights than I don't. It doesn't matter if we have had sex three times that day, he still pesters to the point that I'm crying and very upset. I don't feel respected. I've tried talking to him about it and it's like talking to a brick wall. I don't know if I should just be grateful that a hot young guy wants me or if I should feel disrespected. The second is what I feel. I've tried googling this problem and I get results that say my boyfriend wants to have sex everyday... etc. I'm not talking about everyday. I'm talking about three or more times a day or else he throws a tantrum and starts throwing out insults like his latest "I'm starting to understand why your husband divorced you" and "You're stupid and You're crazy". I just need some reinforcement that I'm not being stupid by getting out of this relationship. I really hav'nt had much experience dating since the 90's. Is this just the way it is? My self-esteem is SHOT and I feel about as big as a grain of sand. Any advice would be helpful I'm sure. Thanks for reading. I feel so alone.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Dating is nothing but pain, I agree. I'm only 5 years younger than you find the same thing happens: meet up with someone and for some reason, the second date doesn't materialise.
But are you sure it's because they don't find you attractive? Maybe they sense you're not quite over the ex - do you mention him? (Don't mention him on first dates!). Maybe your self confidence is a bit low - that can show and be bit unattractive.
Also remember that you'll have dates with men you're not attracted to and that's just the way it goes. One of the two feels let down unfortunately
If it feels too much to date just now, leave it a few months and as Eddie says focus on yourself and improving yourself. Join the gym or go for jogs/ runs in the park - both good ways of meeting new people without the pressure of a date.
Good luck. And well done for walking away from your awful ex!
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Sorry to hear about the trouble he caused you. I guess it is better that you learned about his violent temper now, rather than if you had married him or shared property with one another.
In terms of dating, take your time in searching for a new mate. If it was simple to find someone to fall in love with you (and vica versa) you wouldn't need dating sites. Trust me when I say that your special someone is out there, so don't lose hope quite yet. I know of several 40-something year old guys that are catches and they complain of being unable to find single women. Don't let the process of dating wear yourself down.
In the mean time, work on yourself and enjoy your time with your children. They are only young once. If need be, hit the gym and lose those 15 pounds. You'll feel a lot better about yourself and that will carry over into your day to day routines.
Best wishes,
Eddie
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much! I guess I just needed reassurance. I've moved on and I'm alone but so much happier now!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: Shortly after your timely responses, I broke up with him. Since then, he has broken into my house, defaced my property, and put cigarettes into my gas tank causing me $700 worth of damage. Don't get me wrong. I'm so glad he's out of my life, even more so since the damage he has caused, but I've put myself "out there" on the dating websites and Ive met noting but nice guys who weren't attracted to me. These guys were NOT what I would call attractive. I'm sure I'm not setting my standards too high but I'm in a bad place right now. Not sure how to handle this. I am a 42 year old mother of two. I'm not a supermodel but everyone says I'm pretty and look younger than my age. It's a pretty fair statement. I know I could lose about 15 lbs or so. Dating at this age is nothing but pain.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (19 October 2012):
It sounds like you did the right thing. Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your opinions! After the last time this happened, a few days ago, I told him that I had had enough and broke it off with him. It had only been once that day but not 45 min. after, he was pestering me to go again. This turned me off and he pestered ALL night long. I was literally freaking out and running from room to room just to get away from him. It was not playful. I think it was emotionally abusive. He's literally driving me crazy I think.... I feel good about breaking it off with him. I realize that his compulsive behavior may be because of his head injury (it was the frontal lobe) but I've got myself and more importantly, my children to protect from a chaotic home. Thank you again for your support!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): Yes, he is a sex pest.
He moved in too soon too fast. He is more interested in his sexual fulfillment than your family's well-being. Enough said. Drop him.
You deserve better.
Find out why you don't know that.... a divorce is not nice but that's not enough to let your standards slip.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 October 2012):
I can understand having sex 3 times a day early in a relationship. When things are new, yeah people can't stop having sex, but at the age of your relationship, it should be dwindling down a bit. Most guys would love to have sex once a day but even the youngest of guys would probably tire out with 3 times a day. I am not sure of his motivations for wanting it three times a day, especially if he has trouble finishing.
What I am most concerned about is that when he doesn't get his way he uses your past to hurt you. Clearly, he doesn't know how to communicate his disappointments, needs and frustrations in an adult manner and resorts to verbal abuse. Instead of seeking constructive ways to find a meeting ground, he beats your verbally until you submit.
I am not sure there is a fix for this. He isn't fighting fair and his needs comes before yours. I would encourage you to try and talk to him about how he makes you feel and how you are worried that when you have a disagreement that he fights "dirty" and resorts to emotionally hurting you.
Depending upon his reaction and outcome of your talk, I think you'll have a decision to make. I hope you take YOURSELF into consideration and most importantly your children. If your children see you unhappy, they will come to resent the man in your life and they too will suffer emotionally. You AND your children deserve a stable environment that is free from emotional turmoil.
Don't settle for less.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (16 October 2012):
I just wanted to share this with you. You can scroll down to the bit about sexuality (again, I'm not saying you should have to put up with any of this, but it might help make sense of things):
http://www.traumaticbraininjuryatoz.org/Caregivers-Journey/Session-Two/Managing-Cognitive-Effects-of-TBI/Related-Information/Behavioral-Effects.aspx
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (16 October 2012):
Hello,
I read through this and the update about his head injury and I immediately thought that his impulsive sexual behaviour could well be a result of a traumatic brain injury. If his frontal lobes were involved it can change a persons personality, make them lose their inhibitions and become hyper sexual.
I'm not saying this to excuse his behaviour or to imply that you should put up with it, and for all I know he might have been like this before the accident. But I just wanted to mention it because I think it may well be a contributory factor in his behaviour.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your answers! I realized by getting involved with someone younger than me, we might have different sex drives but I thought everyday was a healthy sex drive! Not for him..... Good luck R.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 I completely agree with the other two guys. If you'd like to have sex once a day, there is not a blessed thing wrong with your drive. Making you cry, insulting you -- those should be all the flags you need. You deserve far better.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Caring guy is correct... You and your guy-friend have 'way different sexual desires and expectations.....
Don't spend a lot of time mulling this over. TELL him of this mismatch..... and ASK him if he would like to re-consider his uber-libido relative to you and him continuing to see one-another......
IF he has this craving for repeated nik-nik.... and you, obviously, don't... then shake hands, wish one-another well, and go your separate ways....
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you caring guy. I guess I just needed reassurance. It breaks my heart because I had such high hopes for this relationship even though I ignored A LOT of red flags....i.e. no job (just disability income from a motorcycle accident that resulted in serious head trauma), I didn't want money. Just loving companionship and a father figure for my kids. I'm not perfect. I have trust issues. I know this but I trusted him. Still do and that's something I never thought would happen again! I think that's why I held on so long. Thanks again for your reply!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 October 2012):
This guy is clearly not the one for you, and I would say has some serious personal issues if he is blaming you for stopping, causing you to cry, throwing tantrums and such.
I'd say that he probably thought he could just abuse you, perhaps because you've not dated seriously for a while, and maybe he thought that you'd be an easy target to control.
But, let's be clear - leaving this man is absolutely the right decision. he's controlling, immature, and to be honest a complete dick.
You do not need this man, and you shouldn't have anything else to do with him. No man should treat anyone this way, and no woman should put up with it. This is not normal, and it's not how relationships are supposed to be.
Leave this man, take your time, then when you're ready, meet another man who will actually respect you rather than treat you this way.
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