A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for about a month now, and he gave me his facebook password yesterday when i was at his place. I looked at some of his private messages when i was with him at his place, but i looked at some more when i got home too,and i didn't like some things i read, so i'm wondering whether to tell him that i read them and ask him to explain them?. One message i saw was to a male friend of his, and he was telling him about a dream he had about one of his ex girlfriends. He wrote that before i met him though. In another message to another male friend, he wrote that he was in love with a woman, but he didn't say whether anything had happened between them or not. That was also before i met him. In another message to another male friend, he wrote that he met this woman one night, but it wasn't going to last, as she was from America. I'm not sure if he had a one night stand with her, or if he just met her one night and just had a chat with her. He also wrote that before i met him. I found a couple of messages to another male friend, where he was talking about me. One was before we went on our second date, and he wrote " i think i'll tell her tomorrow that it aint about drinking in town, it's about staying in and going down ". I'm not sure what that means, but could it have been just guy talk?. We did go out for our second date though. We have been out a few times, and we haven't had sex wth each other yet when i have been to his place. In another message about me, he wrote " me and (my name) are getting on really well. She's 27, doesn't do sh*t, can't believe my luck! ". I'm not sure why he mentioned my age in that message, and i don't know what " doesn't do sh*t " means. It could mean drugs and alcohol, as he used to take drugs and drink a lot, but he doesn't now. It doesn't mean that i don't work, because i have got a job. I also found out that he lied to me , as he was supposed to meet up with me one day, and he said that his phone hadn't been working that day, but really he had gone to another town. Maybe it was something important that he couldn't tell me about?. I'm kind of hurt over that, as i think he should have told me the truth. I feel like letting him off with it, since we didn't know each other that well then, but i want to let him know that i want him to tell me the truth in the future. He has been reliable with dates, since then, and has always been reliable with messages and phone calls. I'm not sure why he had to go to the other town though. He also told his brother that i had asked him to go to London with him in May for my birthday , and that we might be able to visit him when we go there, and i know he has said nice things about me to other people too. Should i mention all of these messages to him, or just some of them, or is there no point mentioning them at all?. He said he doesn't have anything to hide, which is why he wanted to give me his password. Do you think it's a good thing that he has given me his password?. I'll add more to this later if i have missed anything out.
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drugs, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): The "staying in and going down" comment worried me,as i dont know if that means he is only interested in sex,but i know that some men talk to their friends like that but they dont mean any harm .I have had some bad experiences with men in the past,and my new boyfriend knows this.I'll write about them later .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Hi. Was he prompted to give out his password? Because it seems an unusual thing to do after only a few weeks of knowing you. His remarks about other women are historical and of no importance now. As for his remarks about you. Staying in and going down is probably a reference to sex. I think, saying you do not `do sh*t` means you dont take drugs and that appears to make him feel fortunate.
With respect it sounds as if you might have been disappointed in love in the past and have some difficulties trusting. If I were you, I would ask your boyfriend to change his password now and try to trust him. Otherwise you will be tempted to snoop on him and that will not make for a happy relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): I have to agree, he hasn't done anything wrong here. He gave you his password because he trusted you and if you tell him you've been through his messages, he then WON'T trust you. He may even have second thoughts about you as you've only been together a month.
After a month of dating my ex I did the exact same thing and found messages of him speaking sexual to his ex. THAT, is worth telling him about. But what you've seen is nothing to worry about.
Honestly, I'd leave it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Don't play the role of the jealous wife. You're too young for that. Unnecessary investigation ruins relationships.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 He gave you his password because he trusted you, saying he had nothing to hide. The majority of things were written before he knew you, so its not fair to hold him accountable for those things. I think you might be trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. If you try to talk to him about what he wrote, you are aware that he could lose trust in you and shut you out, right? Let it go and be happy that he felt he could "let you in". Don't sweat the small stuff.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2012):
 Your boyfriend was crazy to give you his password. Now your worrying about women he met before you even existed for him. You've been looking and looking and all you can find is one missed date, probably like you said when you first met and the relationship was early.Your going to come back and tell us more unimportant things. Things about sentences you can't understand, guy talk with his buddy... wow, what a way to start a relationship. You playing detective and trying to find something to get upset about. Or you'll be generous and "let him off" for what, breaking one date to go out of town, for some reason you know nothing about.I believe in relationships built on trust or they are worth less than dust. And what happens between you and him in the future. You forget his Facebook password, or are you gonna be on the computer every day checking what he is doing and what he is saying.I have no idea what you should do. For me this would be a big violation of trust and I couldn't forgive anyone who was looking at my stuff so closely. My ex of 18years, yep we exchanged passwords, only in case one of us died and need to sort out funeral stuff. Did I know what he was doing on computer, only if his screen was on and I was in the room. Did he know what I was doing on email, nope, didn't care, didn't interest him, if he wanted to know something he just had to ask.Four weeks, only 28 days and the guy has no privacy, his thoughts, his feelings, his actions, all there for you to rake over with a fine tooth comb, to decide whether you approve or not.One question, are you going to give him your password and allow him to do the same to you? I'm in shock, I didn't know that this is what happens when you start dating someone new. Tell him, he said he had nothing to hide, so he probably won't care about anything you've seen.
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A
female
reader, londonmiss +, writes (21 February 2012):
 Hey,
Your boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong. If you start questioning him about girls before you met him you'll come across needy and jealous. You know he was pleased to be with you from his 'can't believe my luck' message to his mate.
Don't say anything, and don't spy on him. It doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.
BL xx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 I wouldn't want to read and decipher everything that my boyfriend says or wrote, if given that opportunity, yes even when I am married. It is a good also a bad thing that he gives you the password. We always want to focus on the positives in a relationship. Sometimes we take good things for granted and focus on the bad things, get suspicious when instead you should choose love over fear. He wants you to trust him but at the same time not question everything about his life, otherwise you might lose that priviledge of reading his stuff, if that's what you really want. For me, I would rather tend to my own business. If he wants to let me know something then he would share it in person.
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A
female
reader, Domolovescookies +, writes (21 February 2012):
 I don't think you should bring up any of the ones from before you guys were together. not for any reason really. From what you're saying... he gave this password to you, so he knows what you are capable of reading... he wanted you to know. He's showing you some of his personality, don't chew his head off over it, next tiime maybe he wont even give you the password.
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