A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I am together with my girlfriend for almost 2 years and we moved together 6-7 months ago. She is in a medical doctoral program (class based) and I am in a Engineering doctoral program (research based) as well. School is very stressy for her and about a week ago she had an emotional breakdown because of her exams. She had to restart/continue the program as she had an other breakdown caused by a death in her family a bout a year ago and I was always encouraging and supportive. Recently it is almost unbearable, she tells me I am not supportive enough and gets mad at me for little things. She gets mad at me if certain things are not bought or made or cleaned up - she doesnt do them either because she "wants to wait and see how long it takes me to react" (that that goes both ways does not seem to matter). It is just contstantly me doing something wrong. I just feel that I have supported her emotionally and with time (she doesnt seem to value mine that much, where as hers is super precious) . She gets mad at me if she has to pick me up once or twice a month as I usually take the bus, if I dont understand her (I am non native English speaker - with really good skills usually) or if I do not read her well enough. Apparently I also speak very monotonously but I just call it a dry sense of humor and I dont understand how one can blame one for this. I do love her but it seems to get worse and worse. Our lease is up for renewal and doubts creep into my mind. It is my first girlfriend too (I was kind of a slow starter and I took college a tad to serious..) - is it normal to feel this way? Is it just the honeymoon time being over? The house is a little to expensive for my salary anyways - is there a good way to move out without necessarily breaking up if she doesnt want to?Sorry for this mess, but it makes me feel bad and a know in my stomach doesnt help with my stress in school (which she doesnt seem to notice anyways.)
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (21 February 2012):
Your gf is emotionally abusive. Emotionally abusive people often feel desperately out of control of their own problems and lives, and they take it out on you by trying to control you.
When it is the woman who is emotionally abusive, her male partner will often try to downplay the damage done to him by finding excuses for it by saying "oh she's just emotional." This is because men have been conditioned to be 'stronger' than their female partners so you may think this is normal male-female interaction, and also because women are often negatively stereotyped as being irrational, upset easily, and unable to solve problems which again makes some men think that it's normal for a woman to be like that and thus to put up with it.
I think it would help to identify and admit the full extent of the problem in terms of how unacceptable her behavior is because of the toll it's taking on YOU. As long as you're in the mindset that it's somehow normal or OK for her to behave the way she does, you'll be willingly digging yourself deeper into a bottomless pit of misery.
Ask yourself if these articles describe your relationship. If yes, then name the emotional abuse for what it is so you can take the first step in taking back control of your life by no longer accepting this treatment.
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 Is it possible to go and talk to her. Tell her your very unhappy, you can't seem to please her, you love her, but that doesn't seem to be enough. Tell her what you told us, the problems she seems to have with you, her criticisms about the way you talk, the way you feel under stress. Tell her you doubt that you can continue the relationship because your not happy and neither is she.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 I have heard that when a person often criticizes, complains and whines constantly, it is a reflection of their own incompetence. She is not doing well in school. Some people internalize the frustration while others blame others for things gone wrong. She wants you to be her savior and when she does that, she is giving away power to other people. Your English is good enough for communciation. There may be slangs or idioms that you might not understand but this shouldn't cause a big problem. You should focus on yourself and your academics for now and not think about the relationship for a moment. I think you should move out.
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