A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dont know whether this is a dumpable offence or not.... I was invited to my boyfriends house christmas dinner, and i was meeting some friends i had not yet met before, so i was trying hard to make an effort for him as you do, and during dinner he blurted out something disrespectful about me infront of 3 of his friends, and it totally embarrassed me and made me feel really small. Long before we begun dating, a friend of his and i had a drunken snog one night. Nothing was ever said about it and we all laughed it off. But me and him started going out recently, and he has made a joke about it once or twice between us, and i have kinda reassured him it was drunken i dont remember it and nothing was ever going to come of it. I said i dont want you to keep bringing it up.Then he made the rude comment infront of that friend and two friends i hadnt yet met, about us snogging.He knew I was livid but i sucked it up and continued the conversation moving on swiftly with a smile. but i had a word with him in private. he didnt really know how to act, he said he was sorry and didnt mean it to be offensive, it was meant to be a joke but now realises it probably wasn't funny or nice for me. we were meant to all be going out together that night, but i decided id go out with my own friends and left them to go on to the party.hes real bad at communicating as it is, and he didnt really make an effort today, he just texted me and asked if i was ok and am i still talking to him. then carried on text as normal. didnt call me. but because its all fairly new, (3-6 months) i dont know if its just something we need to talk about, or if hes just not bothered. he said he does care and loves spending time with me, and always makes lots of effort and is really sorry for upsetting me. we just never talk about 'us' expect when he is drinking he says lovely meaningful things. but i find it hard to take his word for it because he has had drinks.i dont know what to make of it, especially as i dont know when we'll get around to talking about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is the first time he has done it, he usually treats me very well. And has always been thoughtful.
He was sorry and admitted straight away it wasnt nice. And said he doesn't have a problem with the snog at all, it was meant as a joke he says.
But I think i'd just like a little extra effort from his side, to call me or just arrange to go for a coffee to have a hug and smile again. I've sent him a message saying I think I need a hug.
And he just doesnt respond. He's usually quick to reply. Yet when I need him the most he's distant.
I have been out with my friends since it happened, so i havent sat and dwelled on it or anything. But when I am going to bed and ready for sleep, its on my mind. Just want to hear his voice and be normal again.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 I would not bring this up again. Saying very little (but making what you do say count) carries far more weight than a long, drawn out conversation. He heard you the first time and he knows you're less than impressed.
If it never happens again and everything else in your relationship is going well then I would not consider this a dumpable offense.
rivi, the OP has already established they are in a relationship by referring to him as her boyfriend. I really don't see why you need to have details of her sexual habits to be able to answer this question.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): He's pushing late 20s and you mean to tell me, he doesn't know right from wrong on how to love and respect his woman and not trash talk her in front of fellow guys, his friends?
He just treated you like sh*t in front of his buds. Had he tried that in front of your GFs I am sure he would have been b*tch slapped because I sure in the hell don't let any man disrespect a friend of mine. Just like I wouldn't let a GF of mine disrespect her BF in front of others either. Its abusive and no one deserves that crap. Let alone the people who witness such a disgraceful display.
This BF fights dirty and he was deliberate about it. This is no, its no big deal and oh well, it was yesterday event.
http://abuse101.com/toxicmen.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
Is this the first time anything like this public humiliation occured?
I suggest to you to couples counselling because BF has the attitude that he did nothing wrong. He has. And even then its the next day, not even a remorseful I am sorry for what I have done. I hurt you and I will not do that again.
That isn't right.
Hang in there!
*hugs&cocoa*
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A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (19 December 2011):
This question lacks all kind of necessary info : eg are you or are you not in some sort of bf / gf relationship with him ? specifically are you having sex with him AT ALL ? and if so is it on a regular basis ? [ how often ? ] and is it meant on either or both sides to be exclusive ?
Or are you just friends that happen to have had an embarrasing too much information moment ?
Be specific about where you are coming from and what advice you are looking for .
The embarrassing moment can't be undone [ albeit as you describe it prob everyone else has forgotten it ...]
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A
female
reader, heidos  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Hello there!
I can really resonate with you here as I have had multiple boyfriends who have been downright embarrassing and precocious in social situations. I think what we have here is an insecurity. Your boyfriend obviously feels insecure about that snog. Either that or he feels socially insecure - he might be uncomfortable or inadequate or even a little bit jealous of that fact that you have many good friends. Does he have many mates or is he a social person? It might be that he is overcompensating and going a bit over the top. This in my opinion can be forgiven as long as it is nipped in the bud quickly and you don't hold onto your anger about it. Its a good idea that you pulled him aside and talked with him about it and because it is relatively early days i think you can expand on your communication and get that going - i think also the fact that he knew he had been rude and was aware and apologised is a good sign so just keep working on your communication. If he keeps up with it after all of your communication then there might be a time where you will tire of it and end the relationship, but for now, think of the good qualities he has and enjoy them!
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