A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm having a little problem with something that's been bothering me for a while now. I am a virgin, 18, that was dating my first and only girl last year. We got along great and connected prefectly! Then one night, her parents went out of town and we pulled the classic, "My parents are out of town, why don't you come over" gig. She was not a virgin, and again, I was. We made out for a while (my first time), then a little foreplay (again, my first time). Afterward, we moved on to the bedroom where we simply laid there awkwardly awaiting for each other to progress things. After several minutes of nothing happening, I fell asleep. I mean, I had NO idea of what to do and she knew that I was a virgin, but didnt take things any further. My question is, did this make me a loser? The relationship didn't last much longer after that. Could this have made her feel as though she was undesirable? What should I have done in this situation? Any insight would be appreciated!
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 June 2011):
 You can't count on the girl to escalate or take initiative unless you're in a rock band. Don't sweat it, though, those awkward first steps are part of the whole experience. My first time sharing a bed with a girl was the same way; I had no idea what to do and didn't end up having sex that night.
Next time you're in that situation, try to slowly escalate things. Take little steps, not big ones. Going from making out to grabbing her ass is a little step; going from making out to unbuttoning her pants is a big step. Spend a few minutes on each little step, unless she starts taking big steps herself - for instance, once you get her shirt off, don't immediately turn 100% attention to her boobs, but take some more time to kiss her. Go for the boobs once you've kissed for a while. But if she takes a big step like unbuttoning your pants, feel free to speed things up a bit.
Most importantly, don't get too hooked on any one plan of action. You have to pay attention to her body language and improvise. She may decide halfway in that she wants to stay at that particular stage of intimacy, or that she wants to move faster, or that she wants to take control for a bit. There's no precise progression, it's just something you have to do your best to improvise. Fortunately, it's all fun, so moving from one plan to another and back again isn't going to mess up the night or anything. Just go with it, and if it doesn't work out the way you wanted, you can always try again later.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): The fact that she knew you were a virgin doesn't mean she needed to take initiative. Some women are not aggressive in bed at all, doesn't matter how many men she had before.I m twice your age, and I m a woman, and from my experience usually it's a guy that starts the whole thing. I said usually, not as a rule.I slept with a virgin twice, was the same guy. He was very shy also,but he managed to turn everything into a joke, asking all these cute question,-Asked me to help him to get in there. It was funny and cute. I did help him, no problem, but if he didn't ask me, I think it would be the same situation as u had.My advice would be to get some learning porn videos, that's what they are there for. Watch them several times, try to memorize. And another big advice: sex is like any action you do,put lots of love into it, even if it's just for one night. Great lover ,even if it's just for one night, not someone who just knows how to operate his penis and tong. It's someone who does a lot of foreplay and after play, who holds a girl in his arms, having chit chats afterwards, not rushing to escape. This is what we remember after, not the intercourse itself. This is what will make u a keeper. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Totally agree with C. Grant.
When the opportunity arises again, take it slow. Make the progression together. Maybe talk about it beforehand, discuss any insecurities or issues you think you might have and that way, you two will know why so and so is/isn't doing this and/or that. Communication is key!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): She was probably not much more experienced than you and, yes, she probably expected you to jump her and felt undesirable because you didn't. She wasn't experienced enough to take charge, though. You may have offended her. I did the same thing when I was our age. I could have had sex with a handful more women had I been a little less shy and more sexually assertive. However, you were a virgin! That comes with experience! Trust me: The relationship likely didn't fail because of that, and if it did then she's not worth having. So maybe it's for the best that you didn't sleep with her
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 No, it doesn't make you a loser, it marks you as a gentleman. You knew she wasn't a virgin, she knew you were; it was very gentlemanly for you to let her take the lead. Good grief, everything you were doing was new to you. It really works better, when you're young and new to it all, if you do things in stages. Make out on a few dates. Try for second base after a while; try for third after a while longer. Sex only works if you're comfortable. If you're under 20 and never done *anything* before, jumping straight to intercourse only because you have the opporunity doesn't sound to me like the making of a good first time.
Cut yourself some slack, man. What you missed here was an opportunity for a sub-par first time. Take what you learned into your next relationship, and enjoy.
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