A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was diagnosed with Aperger's syndrome when I was a young child. The basic description of that is that you are exceptional at some things and lacking at others. I, for one, have photographic memory. Many people say that they have it, but they usually don't. I can literally recount every page of every book I read and I can give you dates and days of events that happened during my lifetime. For example, I can tell you what I did on the 22nd of april 10 years ago and I can tell you it was on a Saturday. I also speak several languages. At the other end of the balance are my social skills, which are lacking. I am not as introvert as the stereotype depicts, but I am still a bit 'different' and that makes it hard to really fit in. I keep people at arms length because I'm terrified of them entering the shell I built around myself. It gets better over time and I do have friends, but guys I like usually don't stick around for me to open up (because that could take months if not years). It's hard for me to go out of my comfort zone.I have worked on my social skills and you would probably not guess I have Aspergers if you'd meet me in real life (unless you're really paying attention). When a guy says he likes me I panic. Especially when he says it early on. That's when I mess up. I close up immediately and give the impression I don't like him back and then he leaves. I've tried stopping myself from doing it but I can't. Any help? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bethevans  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 Hiya,
well i have asperges and so does my brother and sister. firstly, i only have a mild case so all that i have is just the lacking confidence bit i guess.
my brother however, has all of the things you have. and i am pleased to tell you he's found someone, it took him time but she waited, and they're now engaged and moving in together.
as for now, i can't give you 'advice' as we'd call it but i can give you hope, to tell you that i'm pretty sure if people have told you they like you in the past, one guy will come along and he'll wait for you 3. x
A
male
reader, MG GAY GUY  +, writes (9 October 2010):
You are still really young and in that horrible phase of feeling like you won't be loved for who you are. You will! To settle for anything else would be a big mistake. You are so special in so many ways but it may take you some time to work it out for yourself.
Simply put - you need to come to see yourself as deserving of love and a happy relationship. To see that a condition you were probably born with is just part of who you are and every but as lovable as the rest of you.
Don't try so hard to fit in - stand apart in all your glory. Life is so much more interesting when not everyone fits into the standard. I certainly don't - I'm one of the few gay guys out there that isn't 'fabulous' - I'm kind of a slob, drink too much beer with straight friends and don't know or care about fashion. I'm happy to to 'fit in' - the club where they all fit in is pretty dull. Be who you are and shine!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): I'm not sure how to help you: the others' advice below is more worthy than mine, but I wanted to add a comment or two.
I used to be a College lecturer and one of my students had Aspergers. His specialism was restored steam railway locomotives - he could name every loco in the UK, their location, state of repair/restoration and every thechnical detail.
Amazing.
I once brought in a set of slides that I had taken at a commemorative cavalcade of steam locos for the 150th anniversary of the first loco, and he was able to give all the above information for every single one, off the top of his head and without prior notification of what slide would be shown.
He certainly got classroom credibility after that, which was part of my objective.
What I think I am saying is be proud of your abilities and show them off, but not ALL the time and not to the point of boring people, and try to engage in what they are interested in, too. But that advice works for everyone, not just those with your condition!
Bart.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 October 2010):
 As someone who fell in love with and lives with someone with mild aspergers, maybe I can help. When we started dating, he was convinced that due to his loner tendencies and "strangeness" he would have trouble with women or that people didn't find him attractive. But it was his asperger related qualities that were most endearing and wonderful to me. His "quirks" that were related to it were so unusual and sweet. I liked his social awkwardness and sort of hidden shyness. It was refreshing. And like you, he didn't have a photographic memory, but his particular obsession was Wikipedia. It was like dating a walking encyclopedia! We have completely contrasting personalities, I'm fairly outgoing with a large group of friends, and he's kind of the opposite. It ends up working out great, because I get him out more, and he lets me be low-key. And biggest of all, because he was so "immune" to social cues, he was really and truly different from any other guy I'd met. Lacking stupid displays of machoness, refusing to buy into any, boys will be boys crap. He has been the best boyfriend ever.
So don't write yourself off as too socially awkward to get a girlfriend. Your quirks, especially those related to aspergers may well be the things that endear you to someone else. And it sounds like you have some truly great qualities. Keep your chin up. You wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't accept you in your entirety anyways. You'll find someone who will appreciate your gifts, you just have to be patient.
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A
female
reader, thatonegirl11 +, writes (9 October 2010):
 It takes a lot of courage to let people in. Our fears are irrational and cause us a great deal of (unnecessary) pain. We can eventually overcome our fears and insecurities with time, practice, a willingness to change, or a combination of reasons. Instead of beating yourself up for closing up in certain situations, focus on the person or people talking to you. Shifting the conversation to someone else will make you feel more at ease. Keep working, it's well worth the effort.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 Also, some guys won't stick around because they want instant gratification, meaning they don't want to work too hard to get sex. So the ones who leave are probably the ones who only like you for that.
When you look around on this site, you will see that both NT (neurotypical) girls and boys are both clueless when it comes to "how to get a guy to ask me out?" "what to say on a date." So don't think because you got the label Asperger's that you are so different from the others.
I feel what you had was a bad date, not a predicament of your future relationship patterns. We are all scared of being emotionally vulnerable. I honestly think that being Autistic has its own unique advantages in a relationship. We are more intellectual, more accepting of differences, we are more loyal, we seek more harmony, we are less needy because we have our own narrow interests. You can add on to the list when you find out yourself.
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 I also have Asperger's...But I believe a good pick-up line for meeting someone (whether you're male or female) is this...
"Excuse me, are you heterosexual?...Great, so am I...How about you come back to my place for a drink?"
Now, don't you think that would get you and the guy you like laughing? You should try it.
If that doesn't work, nothing will. Good luck with it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 October 2010):
I think you are just sensitive, in a good way though. Also you are young, you may not feel this way ten years from now. Feelings and logic are separate, but you can still analyze every step of your way and make sense of what's going on. This guy probably felt he messed up by coming on too strong, so don't be too hard on yourself. How do you know you can't get in touch with him again, and to take it slowly?
So my story . . .
I had a lonely childhood and didn't have good relationships until now. I am 30. I had bad relationships because my needs for intimacy were exploited. I show some traits for Autism but I don't have your mathematical and linguistic ability. My only friend is my boyfriend who doesn't pressure me to socialize more. He's also very quiet. As a girl you get an advantage because the odds that guys who are autistic are four times more than girls. Don't talk to guys at bars because they are not going to understand. Narrow your interests in the workplace or book clubs. Or find someone who specializes in working with Autistic people. I think the case with Donna Williams is more extreme than yours but she got into a good marriage at the age of 38.
Every guy is different, you can't apply one tactic to everyone.
I don't know what happened that day and how strong your panic was. If he really saw that as disinterest it means your panic was more internal and not too noticeable. I am often told that guys take longer than girls to open up. There was a moment in my life when I thought I would be lonely forever but now I am doing just fine.
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female
reader, siss +, writes (9 October 2010):
 I can not begin to know what you go through. But from your description you have gifts that many people do not. So that makes you pretty amazing.
You probably feel different but I want you to know everyone has flaws and when it comes to relationships we all have insecurities. I say just remember the wonderful qualities you have and that one day someone else will appreciate you for you. just be kind to yourself, no pressure, take deep breaths and go forward. Seems you have a lot to offer someone.... Be patient with yourself........
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): I dont have Autism but i used to react this way when guys approach me....
The best advice i can give u is to force yourself to open up. see, if a guy likes u, he wants to get to know u, so when u put up wall, he cant see the real you ... just relax, and say hi, smile @ them, ask them how they r doing...
a good way to force yourself to open up is to ask them questions. for example:
you: what kind of music are you into?
him: i like smooth jazz
you: oh really? im a big fan of jazz
or play a game like "tell me something about you that i dont know", this game worked for me, it helped me open up.and it is a fun game ... you basically ask him questions and he asked u questions, you guys answer and u will see that you guys start laughing and getting more comfortable with each other ....
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