A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Single, never been in a relationship, never dated, no experience whatsoever.So why is my biggest stress worrying about sex?I don't know when it started, but since I can remember, I've always been extremely shy when it comes to sex and nudity. I hated changing in front of people, and to this day I'm still embarrassed to share dressing rooms with my mom.I get uncomfortable with nude scenes in movies and can't stop being grossed out by sex.The shocker though? I've had a slight addiction to porn before. It kinda started by accident. An adult channel came in on my tv when it shouldn't have (very static-y) and I started watching it every night. I do think this had some kind of effect on me, because whenever I watched it, I felt that I was doing something wrong because I was so young. (This had to have been when I was in Junior high, like 7th or 8th grade). But I couldn't stop watching it. And even to this day I occasionally find myself looking up images and I feel extremely ashamed. Like if anyone found out I wouldn't know what to do.Yet after knowing these images (even though I've heard numerous times that porn sex isn't the same as real sex), I'm still extremely uncomfortable with the idea of myself having sex. I'm attracted to guys sure, but never sexually. I feel like the fact that I'm 20 means I should have raging hormones and a desire to experience sex, yet it's the last thing I want to do. I'm worried that I'm never going to have a relationship because I'll be too scared to actually go very far with a boyfriend. Someone I'm close with admitted to me that they actually had sex when they led me to believe they were in the same boat as me and it was extremely uncomfortable to hear. I feel so immature knowing that almost everyone around me has either been sexual or has been in a relationship. And I'm this inexperienced person without a shred of sexuality in me. (By that I mean, I don't always have my mind in the gutter as most people my age do (laugh at anything that possible relates to phallic objects), I don't flirt, I don't try for sex appeal).The worst of all...I can't even bring myself to look at an image of a penis. Even saying that word makes me shudder. Yes I can easily look at pornographic pictures of women because I know what the female body looks like and it's what I'm used to, but the male body makes me so uncomfortable, yet it's men I'm attracted to so I know I'm not a lesbian. I think I'm just afraid of what I don't know.I can not explain how much these thoughts dominate my mind. And yet, as I said, I've never even experienced dating! My mind focuses on the ridiculousness of how I'm supposed to possibly find a guy that's willing to date me and wait forever until I'm comfortable with anything sexual. I know that's unfair to do to a guy but it just makes me so tense to even think about doing anything!! What is wrong with me? I should get a boyfriend before thinking about any of this yet this is what I'm afraid is stopping me from actually putting myself out there. One of my biggest issues is worrying. So many people tell me "just don't think about it" or "just go talk to them" but they don't realize how difficult that is when you've got a million thoughts rationalizing in your mind about why you shouldn't or how you can't. The mind controls everything. Sure you can push yourself out of your comfort zone, but to some people that terrifies them to their core. I've never been one to experience anxiety attacks per se, but it's definitely anxiety holding me back from everything. And I know that too is probably the answer behind all of my sexual frustration.Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for words of wisdom. I feel like these feelings are very odd for someone my age. I'm supposed to be a freaking 'adult' for crying out loud, but I sure as hell don't feel like it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): It's absolutely normal to be afraid of your first sexual experience; because you don't know what to expect. Were you ever sexually-abused or molested as a child? Just seeing porn at the age of 14 or 15 shouldn't traumatize you that much.
Usually when people are uncomfortable about the human body, it is because they've been taught most of their lives that sex is dirty and nudity is shameful. The are told masturbation is perverted and a sin. They get this drilled into their heads over and over; until they have an unhealthy attitude towards their own body, and ashamed of other people viewing them unclothed. You didn't mention if you have extra weight? Does that bother you?
People with a condition called "body dysmorhphic disorder" have an extremely distorted perception of their bodies, or have extreme body-image issues. They don't want anyone to see their bodies thinking it's ugly, when it is as average or as normal as that of any other person. They are terrified of being seen undressed. Lots of young women simply have body-image issues only because they believe the hype that everyone has to look like a runway model.
If you feel extremely anxious to the degree you panic; then please mention this to your parents in order that they can setup an appointment to see a therapist. If you're a student, you should still be on their health insurance. If you work and have your own health insurance through your job, you should be able to keep things discreet, and setup your own appointment. Just check your coverage first regarding mental-healthcare. I think you could use someone to talk to. It may be only the typical fears of a virgin.
You just may not be "sexually-attracted" to men!
So what do you do when you go to the gynecologist? You're old enough now for full examinations. How did you get through gym in high school? Have you spent all of your life hiding in shame? Your mother saw you nude the first day of your life, and changed your diapers. Your naked body doesn't phase her! She's also another female!
You really need to discuss these issues with your parents to see if you can see a therapist. Your view of sexuality might be a little unhealthy; but your fears to some degree are pretty expected of a virgin. You mention "anxiety" which is a pretty intense emotional reaction toward sexuality. It's okay to be afraid and nervous; because you don't have any experience. There is a problem, if you're avoiding men altogether, based on these unsubstantiated fears of their male anatomy.
Don't be so quick to rule out being a lesbian. You just might be. How do you know? You've never had sex with anyone.
A penis shouldn't totally disgust you. You can't have a man without one! They come attached!
To have "fear" may mean you need to find out why? I think just a little counseling to discuss your fears will alleviate a lot of your "anxiety."
The fact you're not able to approach guys, or be approached, might be something professional counseling can help you through.
I don't really see anything too serious about what you've explained. It's a red-flag that you are starting to feel anxious about your feelings; and your unhealthy perception of sex and male genitalia should be discussed with a licensed mental-health professional. You are avoiding dating and male companionship for fear of pressure to have sex. Most virgins have that same mild fear until they meet someone who makes them feel totally at ease. That will not happen if you avoid men.
In your case, you don't let anyone close enough to you to even ask you out or spend time with you. That's based on unfounded fears of sex, and therapy may be necessary under these circumstances.
You can't live your life hiding in shame and fear. That is unhealthy, and it is depriving you male-companionship; and the things you need as a healthy human being, and a young woman.
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (5 January 2015):
 It's probably just because you haven't met someone you want to do that with and haven't felt comfortable with it all.
Check out a sexuality, though, just in case you can relate :)
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A
female
reader, Lori_rose07 +, writes (5 January 2015):
It's okay to be scared, embrace it :) Many adults that I know feel this way so it's perfectly acceptable to feel like this.In plain simple words: You have to forget about your anxiety and clear your head. It is easier said than done but you need to learn how to block out thoughts that prevent you from being out there.Some people think of the word 'relationship' and then link it to kissing and sex. As much as the kissing part is true, you have to accept that some guys will accept your fear of changing and nudity and some guys won't.If you meet a guy that is willing to wait for you to get comfortable with sex and seeing a penis, then he is the definitely a contender. The only problem is if you don't recover from the anxiety, breathe and clear your head everytime you approach a guy, then you'll never know if he really was the one! It's always terrifying the first time you push yourself out of the comfort zone (and that's okay) but practice always makes perfect :) You don't have to read my advice but if you do, I hope it helps,I hope everything goes well for you:)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 January 2015):
 "I'm worried that I'm never going to have a relationship because I'll be too scared to actually go very far with a boyfriend"
A boyfriend (emphasis on the a) is a perfect stranger you imagine in your head. No one, or very few, likes the idea of a stranger touching them.
The boyfriend (emphasis on the) you will have in your life is NOT a stranger, but someone you love and want to be near.
You are worrying because you're imagining a complete stranger that you need to have sex with... Urgh, who wants that??
Start instead to think about a more specific man that you actually know and actually like. No need for sex, you should at least figure out if he's a good kisser first. And then if he makes you laugh so your stomach hurts the next day, and you smile just by thinking of him, and being in his arms makes you all warm and kozy... well THEN is the time to think about "do I want to have sex with MY boyfriend?".
When you're talking to boys and flirting, sex isn't part of the picture. Finding a love interest is part of the picture. Someone you can flirt with, laugh with, grow to like, maybe even love. Then, after all of this, comes potentially having sex.
You're thinking of sex straight away, which is pushing the cart before the horse. That's like imagining a lot of hard, manual labour when someone asks you if you want to take a buggy ride: you're imagining pushing that entire buggy yourself and having the horse walk behind you. No wonder you're not keen on the idea. But the point is to let the horse do the work and ENJOY THE RIDE yourself. You miss that point.
There are people who date for months and months without having sex, or even years!!! Just because you end up falling in love with a guy doesn't even mean you need to have sex with him... You can always say no and dump him if you aren't into it. Really. Saying no and leaving a relationship is always an option, if you happen to not fall in love with your potential boyfriend.
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