A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do or say or cope. My long distance boyfriend of two years became severely depressed in December of 2013 due to not being able to find a job after graduating law school. He is now in business school in hopes to get a new lead, but is even more miserable now. I never see him. We only text. I haven't heard voice in so long and don't even ask anymore because it turns into a fight. Even my basic needs are no longer being met. When he first began his downward spiral, I admit I did not take it well because he began to withdraw from me and had an incident of drunk texting a female friend about her having a sexy ass, but immediately apologized to her the next day and ceased contact. Overtime, I started to realize he was actually withdrawing from every one. I told him I loved him and that I was there for him, but every time he came to me, it ended in a fight with him having a very resistant attitude to getting better. I will say.. he has always had things handed to him in life and this was a first big rejection and he is taking it very hard.The depression has now warped him as a person, as it would with anyone, and now every time I talk to him, I get replies like "Nothing will ever make me happy. I will never get better. This is who I am now. I was always destined to be away from society." He has even made comments about how he doesn't leave the house for days and often it feels like he intentionally fights with me. I've had a really rough month with family matters, being sexually assaulted, and a few other things - and each time I've gone to him, he almost instantly turns it into about him, replying as if I never spoke at all. Then, we fight. We fought for two hours the night after I was assaulted because I was trying to talk about it and he didn't see the point in calling and it's no different from texting.. but he takes 20 minutes to respond. Then he told me that "he even failed his exam for me what more do I want?" when he had all weekend and I only took up 2 hours in one day.I feel so alone, neglected, and drained. It's been a year and he won't try to get better. I've pushed him getting medical attention because this has become a severe case and he is so resistant because "doctors are useless and they won't make him better" after a year long battle, I finally got him to agree to get on medicine. It made me really happy to hear that, but upon asking the details (he's broke and won't tell his parents what he is going through) he said "I'm only going to get them so you can finally see that they won't make me better. Nothing will." We've talked about his views on suicide and he says he would never get that way and he is "destined to a life of being a loner."We've talked about our future.Then he always says he is just going to be dead in 5 years. I snapped one day and said "then why are we dating? Why are you subjecting me to a temporary life?" And THEN he says "he doesn't actually think he will die."I just don't know what to do. He was so angry when talking about getting medicine and his only reason is to prove me wrong. I got him to agree to take St. John's Warts which helps with depression and he told for two weeks he was taking them, but the bottle was still full when i counted them. I don't think he will take the prescription. It's like he doesn't want to get better. He says he is depressed because his life is s^^t. His life isn't sh^^ because he's depressed.Please someone help. I keep reading sites. I am growing resentful and it's hard to keep focus on him when every day, all day - he is a storm cloud with no end in sight. He lashes out on me. He isn't there for me. For Christmas, we didn't even talk about exchanging gifts. What am I doing? I get nothing out of this. He was a very close friend for 8 years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): This is the original poster again.Thank you sincerely for your response.An update and request for advice is needed again, though.Since I've posted this, he's become more hostile and quick to anger. I have pushed and pushed medical attention and this is no longer in his control and he refused only until recently. He finally went in and got a prescription for antidepressants. He took it literally ONE time and swore it off because it made him drowsy for 3 days. He told me "See? They DON'T work. They're a waste of my time." I researched with him if this is a common problem. It is and people say it goes away. I also gave him the option to possibly talk to the doctor about a new prescription. He said no at first, but then said he would call the doctor to ask. He never did. Three days go by - I'm at the end of my rope, constantly being snapped at, completely neglected and void to the point that because I loved him so much, for three months I just stopped asking for affection. I just gave up and took what I got. It was overwhelming me how sad and lonely I've become and that he holds the power to that but refuses to get help. He says that he knows what methods therapists use for depression and "those won't work. Talking won't work." Then said he "isn't crazy, he's depressed" (because according to him doctors only see you if you're super crazy) Finally, after hearing him say he will never get help/take the medicine/change prescription - I broke down and said I can't do this anymore and broke up with him. He said "suit yourself". I explained that the fighting and constant refusing to be better has been taking a toll on me and I'm losing myself for someone who won't help themselves. He doesn't want to get better and I can't keep handling the fighting. I've lost myself and become sad. What about me? What about ME? That's all I could think. After a year of trying to help him and get him to cure his illness, he won't and refuses. He makes every excuse in the book. He's very intelligent but ignorant, stubborn, and arrogant. I don't know what else to do. We didn't talk for a day and then the next he texted me saying "Life is emptiness" I talked to him, gave him insightfulness, mentioning too that he has to remember he is not in the right frame of mind to make a verdict on life. Everything I'd say about what life can offer and that he knew that before, he responded,"Nope. Not interested. Nope." I found out he was back in his college town, off for three days so I said "maybe you should ask a friend to come over or something rather than subjecting yourself to being alone." He snapped, got angry and said "Clearly you don't understand my ability level. I don't know why I ever thought I could talk to you." Then I said "It was a mere suggestion.. that was all. It wasnt meant to be harmful." He replied "I just realized just how alone i really am in my life. No one gets it." I EXPLAINED that I do and that it was a mere suggestion that he not be alone because he is so down. I also mentioned I was scraping for anything because everything else he was shooting down. He said he was going to sleep and hopes he never wakes up.That's when I took it upon myself to tell his family what is going on and what hes been saying. They need to know. I asked for them to not let him know I said anything but that he was severely depressed. His Mom and Dad are going to see him on Sunday and talk to him. I'm scared they won't understand but I know his Mom is very loving. She knew something was going on. He isn't going to talk to me and I'm scared to talk to him and send him over the edge. I am hurting so bad. I never wanted this but I am scared for myself and my own wellbeing.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 January 2015):
 The one thing you HAVE to accept is THAT you can NOT control his actions, his thoughts OR his feelings. You CAN NOT ensure he won't kill himself.
WHAT you can do, IF he threatens to kill himself contact his family or the police/ambulance 911 (if you know where he is).
Like NOT getting help is a choice, so is killing himself. Though with suicide people often have the feeling that they CAN'T fix things.
STAYING with him, won't ensure he won't kill himself either.
You can not live you life on eggs-shells like this. I think all this death talk is part HOW he feels, but it's also partly emotional blackmail. It makes you stay. I think he knows he isn't exactly a "winner" or "keeper" right now.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/in-depth/suicide/art-20044707
People with depression pushes loved ones away. And it IS impossible to do anything about that. You have tried.
To me it seems like he is ready to toss YOUR life out with his own. He feels HIS suck so bad, but he isn't WILLING to let you go, so YOU don't go down with the ship. That to me seems like he doesn't really care about ANYTHING or ANYONE.
Maybe for now, don't break up. Just stop being so available and DO NOT get into arguments. If he starts stuff over the phone, tell him I don't want to fight, and cut the call short. Wean YOURSELF off him. Wean HIM off you, slowly but surely.
IF you know his mom/dad CALL them, and TELL them you fear for his life. It doesn't matter that HE doesn't want you to call them, I think IF he really IS suicidal, the more people who can help the better and that means INVOLVING the parents. This should NOT be YOUR burden.
I'm no expert on suicide. I know of 2 people who killed themselves. I know a couple more who said they WANTED to die, but didn't really want to die. THERE is a HUGE difference. Both of the people who killed themselves didn't say a thing, one came as an utter shock to everyone, the other not as big of a shock but still, no one thought THAT person was THAT desperate. I'm NOT saying that people who TALK about killing themselves, won't. Specially people with severe depression. Been there, but never really suicidal. I have kids and family, friends that love me, I could NOT let them down. But the thought of not having to EVER wake up WAS tempting in the sense that "that way I'll have no more responsibilities any more" - however, LIFE doesn't work that way. Depression is also NOT a hole you can dig your way out all by yourself. Nor hoping/wishing it away.
I think YOU need to start focusing on YOU. If you can still be a SUPPORT for him, do so. Just try not to LET him use you as a crutch. The guy needs to WANT for himself, and SEEK help for himself. I DO think guy find it MUCH harder then women to seek/get help. Specially when it comes to "mental health" help. But there is ONLY so much YOU can do. And right now, he is RESENTING the suggestions and help you offer - so stop.
For you, I suggest you start some yoga or relaxation techniques. Or you will end up in the same black hole as he is wallowing in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): Thank you so much for replying! I'm actually a big fan of yours, honeypie!
This morning - he started making more serious comments that sounded like something may happen, so I called his parents house because I was deeply worried and he picked up and I kept silent and hung up. He eventually texted me asking me to not call them. He "gave me his word that he won't harm himself and that I only misinterpreted it all."
My exact feelings are EXACTLY what you wrote. I want out. I miss my best friend. I hardly care about our relationship. But how? I already know he's going to make me feel awful for leaving him. I do feel guilty because he is in his darkest part of his life and I'm abandoning him but - I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if this keeps up. He is so resistant to getting better and he keeps fighting with me. It doesn't matter how awful the situation is - we fight. I'm so resentful I hate seeing texts from him and barely can text him "I love you" when we say good night. Which to me - I am hurting him now, too.
How do I do it? What if he threatens to kill himself then?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 January 2015):
You have to accept that you CAN NOT fix this for him. YOU have TRIED to support him, TRIED to get him to seek help, but HE actually HAS to WANT to get help and SEEK it for it to even BEGIN to work.
Right now he is dragging you down with him. He feels crappy so ergo YOU should feel crappy with him. THAT is not sustainable in a relationship.
St. John's Wort isn't a miracle cure. It can help a little, for others it does nothing. But not taking it? Well, it won't do squat.
Personally, I would step away from this. YOU have been carrying this relationship for the past year and he just moan and piss. Basically, I'd stop rowing the relationship boat. See what happens.
But I have to say thins, WHERE do you see yourself in let's say 3 years? STILL with this guy AS he is now? If so, why?
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