A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello members of DC,I'm here to seek your opinion on the following. A bit of history - My ex husband and I have been separated for 9 years. Financially, my ex and I split our children's tuition and living expenses in half and we keep in contact to discuss things related to our children. On rare occasions, to celebrate our children's major milestones, we will have a family meal together. I have moved on and been with someone I love for the past 5+ years. However, my ex constantly tries to enter back into our family and connect with me, which I am totally not interested in. I have told him on many occasions that he is free to take the children out, but I do not want him in my house or in my life and the only things I will discuss with him are things related to our children. This has upset him and he has taken on bad mouthing me in front of the children saying he is doing all he can but I am ungrateful and he doesn't know what to do to make me happy.I would like your opinion on how to handle to following situation. My daughter has just gotten her driver license 2 months ago. One of her teachers approached her and asked her to drive her two children home after school (ages 8 and 10 yrs old), for a duration of 3 weeks, while this said teacher takes an international trip. The distance from school to her home is about 10-15 minutes. This teacher has helped drive my children to school before and I do understand that I owe her a favor. However, I feel that as an adult, I should be the one to repay the favor and not put the burden on my daughter. The teacher never approached me to ask me to drive, probably because she knows that I work until 6pm and would not be able to be at school everyday at 3:30pm to pick up her children. Still, as a mother, I do not want to put my daughter in risk of transporting two young children when she has only gotten her license 2 months ago. What caused me to be upset was that neither the teacher nor my daughter consulted with me. I found out from another parent at school. I had a long talk with my daughter about how she should come talk to me when it comes to big decisions like this. I had to know about it and I had to have the option to see if I can make other arrangements to help the teacher without putting such a huge responsibility on my daughter. I couldn't talk to the teacher because she had left the country already when I found out.. but I had to let my daughter know that it's NOT OK to make the decision on her own. My daughter clearly didn't understand why I was upset and told her dad that I scolded her for nothing. Of course her dad's first response was to attack me saying how controlling and ungrateful I am.. that the teacher did us a favor and I was not willing to return the favor. I truly do not feel that I did anything wrong. After I told my daughter why I was upset (cuz she didn't discuss this with me and because I hurt for the big risk and responsibility she has to carry. The favor should be returned, but by an adult.) I still allowed my daughter to drive the teacher's children for 3 weeks, since she's already out of the country, but I made sure that they went straight home after school and no stops to get snacks or drinks, and I made sure she got home safe.As a parent, I feel that your first priority is the best interest of your child, and not try to attack the other parent and mislead your child into thinking that they can make big decisions without communicating with an adult. Luckily nothing happened and everyone was safe... but what if... what if something happened and I didn't know about it and the teacher is half way around the world?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019): You were absolutely correct, in every way. That was far too large of a responsibility to place on someone who only had a license for two months. It was presumptuous for the teacher to side-step your judgement and consent; by forcing the responsibility and risk of safety of two young children on an inexperienced adolescent-driver.
Your daughter should have consulted you first, even if the teacher didn't. Of course she was going to play your ex-husband against you. That's what "children of divorce" do out of hidden-resentment and vengefulness. Daughters will always use their dads as a weapon against mom. When dad doesn't approve of a boy she likes; then it's you against dad. Expect that. I know, it's a cheap shot! You have probably played the dad-card yourself!
If she'd gotten into an accident, that would be a heavy burden placed on her emotionally. In a panic, the teacher may not have behaved reasonably; rushing to place blame, had the unthinkable happened. She'd place your daughter at fault! The fault would be her own! In a tragedy, emotions run high; and people don't always think straight. You did what a responsible parent would do; and should not feel discouraged, because you were undermined by your ex-husband.
Let your daughter know it's unfair to instigate trouble to get her way. You're the mother, not her! Let the teacher know that she should have come to you first; and left you emergency-contact information before leaving her children in the hands of your daughter. Lay a little guilt and blame on her too! Look what she caused!
You have to keep your issues with your ex separate. Your problems with your ex-husband, has nothing to do with addressing your daughter for not consulting you. He should be reminded not to use the children as pawns. You are her parent, and you owed the favor. Ultimately, you would assume the responsibility and liability; had the unthinkable happened. Your husband just seized on the opportunity; but don't fight with the kids in the middle. Choose your timing and battles.
Just stand your ground, and let it go. Be satisfied in knowing you are right. Hold him responsible for his own parenting-decisions. Don't be put on the defensive. Your daughter was exploiting the tension between you and her father, and just being a brat. Forgive her! She knows you're right too!
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 September 2019):
When this teacher gets back you need to sit down with her and her boss and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is never to put your daughter in such a position again.
Your ex husband is another matter. Clearly your ex still wants you which is why he does what he does. Talk to your children about this. Explain that you will never bad mouth their father but let them know why he is doing and saying the things he does.
Continue to set and maintain firm boundaries with the jerk and hope that eventually he will be able to move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2019):
 That teacher is nuts!
However, it's HER children, so in a sense HER responsibility. My guess is that she trusts your daughter to drive safely. WHAT she can't know... is ALL the other drivers out there and their abilities!
The teacher SHOULD have asked YOU first. My guess is she didn't... because she KNEW that you would probably say no. Which I find shady.
I think you need to sit your daughter down, PRAISE her for ACCEPTING the responsibility of driving home the kids but that you feel she should have TALKED to you as well, because FINANCIALLY and LEGALLY YOU are responsible for HER actions. Tell her you would have wanted to talk about the "what if's" and what to do in those situations.
You daughter is trying to be responsible, and that is a GOOD thing. She isn't an adult yet so talking to you (or her dad) is a good idea in the future.
I agree with Youcannotbeserious, who said that EITHER your daughter is a responsible kid or not. If she isn't, she shouldn't be driving anyways. BUT I do get the whole "what if" thinking - you just can't parent out of fear.
I don't think your daughter understood your fear of the "what if's" because she is a teenager. SO she didn't complain to her dad out of malice but out of upset (that you don't trust her to drive them home) and quite frankly, inexperience.
When the teacher gets home, I think you need to have a talk with HER. SHE, after all, did the oopsie!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): That teacher USED your daughter.
Even though your daughter is old enough to drive, she is still a minor and as you said, the teacher had done YOU a favor not your daughter.
You daughter probably felt flattered that such a figure of authority had asked her for help in "adult matters". And it worked. Not only did she say yes, she decided not to run it by you. Because, the teacher treated her like an adult. And because your daughter feared (and rightly so) that you would be against it.
I don't know what kind of a person that teacher is, let alone what kind of a mother, but I would NEVER let my kids ride with an experienced driver, let alone ask for it.
From the little information you gave, I can see that for some reason your daughter is distancing herself from you. Are you an overbearing parent? Do you try to control her? Because she said yes to her teacher behind your back and when you got angry, she went, again, behind your back and manipulated her father into having an argument with you.
Your ex obviously thinks that you are controlling - he said so himself. And also he was quick to believe your daughter and get angry with you.
So, you have a bigger problem than just a "misunderstanding" with a teacher - that's what she will probably call it once you get to talk to her.
I'd sit my daughter down and talk to her, be open for anything. This maybe is the first time that she went behind your back, but if she feels that you are controlling, it won't be the last. Unless she feels that you are accepting that she is growing up and that she will have to make her own mistakes, no matter how terrible they are, she will simply lie to you and carry on with her life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): If she's old enough to drive and she has a licence then she's old enough to decide to drive a couple of kids home, for 10 minutes. If you don't trust her to drive two children in her car, then you shouldn't trust her to drive herself either.
Part of growing up is taking responsibliity for your own life and decisions and not having to run every little thing past your mom. Why don't you want that for her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): This might be something people will be split on, so here is my two cents:
I agree with Ivy blue, the teacher should have involved you at the start, whether speaking with you first, or telling your daughter to discuss it with you. You can have a discussion with her later to let her know to please at least inform you of what’s going on.
I don’t, however, agree that just because your minor child can drive she can make certain decisions for herself. Did she pay for the car? Insurance? I am assuming, no, so it seems there should be some input regarding the use of the car on that level. Additionally, does that mean she can choose to skip school to see a concert? Again I think the answer is no because kids don’t always make the best decisions given their experience and require some (constructive) input.
So I think yes, you should have had input in the decision.
But after all is said and done you shouldn’t have gotten upset with your daughter. Why? Because she didn’t know. A TEACHER, another adult whom she is supposed to listen to, asked her a favor, and your daughter had good intentions when she agreed. Given the circumstance —innocent mistake.
I think you should have had a calm discussion with your daughter about specifically why THAT decision as opposed to others should involve your input. Then tell her to involve you the next time. It’s not ok to find out such a thing from others. Family should be communicating.
I don’t know your family dynamics to tell you how to salvage this specifically. Perhaps have another conversation with your daughter, apologize for blowing up, explain why you blew up (you were scared and worried? My mother was that type, I got used to it), explain how you and she can better communicate in the future, discuss what things should be family matters open to input and discussion, and explain why one thing is a family matter while other things can be her choice alone (so she understands it’s not a control issue but a legitimate discussion).
As for your ex...seems like he is who he is unfortunately. You can try to discuss with him the importance of solidarity and how to discuss important matters privately to get to solidarity, but seems like there may be no point. You can decide.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 September 2019):
 While I understand where you are coming from regarding the safety of the children involved and the responsibility put on your daughter's shoulders, if she is old enough to drive a car, is she not old enough to make decisions for herself? Why should someone have to ask her mother's permission before asking her for a favour? She is technically an adult, although it may not feel like that to you as her mother.
You cannot protect her all her life and sorry, I do think you were out of line. While you may have LIKED things to have been done differently, and you sound like a wonderful mum, you need to let them make their own way at some point. Perhaps now it the time to start cutting her a bit of slack and allowing her to think for herself?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 September 2019):
 I would be absolutely furious with that teacher. Where is her head at? 1. An inexperience driver carting her her most prized assets around and 2. As a parent themselves, not having the decency and common sense to discuss this with you before hand. You may not be able to do it now but I would be having some serious words upon there return. As for either your ex or child getting the shits on about it- too bad
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