A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:HI ,I am 25 from India. So i was in abusive relationship with a guy from school for 5 years approximately. Through those times he cheated multiple times and dumped me badly. So i was heartbroken went into depression. It was very bad phase in life. I changed from being good girl to wild one. I went to pubs drunk few times with friends. So there was a guy he liked me we starting seeing each other. I was emotionally low and didnt love him then yet said yes to him. We started getting physical. At a point we decided to get married and tried talking to parents. Unfortunately we could not since we both are from different race and they would never approve us. It is been 6 months since we called it off.So we met few times after break up and tried to remain as frds. My parents arranged marriage for me with a new guy. He neither asked anything about my past nor gave me a chance to talk about it. Sine it is arranged marriage I dont hv chance to explain him all that happened in past. I am skeptical like if he would accept it .what to do now ?
View related questions:
drunk, fiance, heartbroken Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2020):
 Sorry... I am finishing my previous post :
In the Western world, I would say that there's no need to discuss your past , that's your own damn business.
BUT, in the Western world, that a girl who gets married has some previous sexual experience is the norm, the very wide majority- so obviously the expectations are different. If a man has been led, by words , acts or omissions , to believe he is getting engaged to a virgin, and then it turns out she is not- well, that's false in advertisement :) , he may be a chauvinist maschilist relic of an outdated way of living, still I can understand he'd feel deceived.
So, just to be on the safe side, I 'd tell him anyway : if he is a " modern " guy, he'll say : " OK. So what ".
If instead he should make a big fuss , stir up drama, even cancel the wedding : GOOD. It would mean you have dodged a bullet, you cannot be married to a man who despises you … just because you are a normal young woman who acted like a normal young woman .
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 February 2020):
Uhm... I think you should / could instead have an idea of what your future husband's expectations are, based on his background, and the way your parents think, act and grew you up.
I mean, for reasons unfathomable to Western eyes, it is a fact that nowadays still about a whopping 90% of marriages in India are arranged marriages , where the future spouse is chosen by the parents / relatives / older friends of the future bride or groom. Ok. Cultural thing, let's say this tradition works for Indian eople. It is also a fact , though, that in the last few decades also in India society and culture have been changing, trasforming , and ditching old behaviours in favour of new ones. If not for everybody , ..for some. So there will be young women who are allowed , if not encourage, to attend universities, pursue careeers, live alone, travel, socialize with different types of males, - so, in general the expectations of their families , and the husband's family, and the husband himself, won't be that high in terms of sexual restraint and conforming to the tradition. The subject will be elegantly glissed over, or treated very discreetly , not nandied around, but all in all if teh woman has a past it won't come as a big surprise.
If instead yours is a very conservative, religious family- and / or your fiance' comes from a very conservative religious family ; if your family always tended to reign you in and curb your freedom; if the accent in your home was on domestic virtes, and you have been taught that what a woman must value more is being a prolific mother and a perfect housewife ; if your parents / his parents / your community are very afraid of " what will people say ".... etc.etc., I guess it's much less taken for granted that you may have a romantic / sexual past ; that the expectations would be that you arrive to your wedding day as a virgin, and that your not being a virgin is considered , rather than
a normal fact of life, a big flaw that not every man would forgive.
In short ; we have no idea what your fiance's expectations are , and what he is willing , or unwilling, to accept from his woman. But, although it is an arranged marriage, I bet that ,based on your parents' ideas, and the environmenet you grew up into, you can have a decently approximate idea of the weight your past may have in your husband's eyes.
Anyway, regardless of all this, - I would tell him. It's more honest and leaves no room for misunderstandings or resentment . " but I thought that you were…. but your parents led me to believe that…. " None of that.You would not want to marry someone who thinks he has been swindled and cornered into marriage , right ? I
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): You are not the first female to have a past in India. Do what the other girls do in similar circumstances. i.e keep your past to yourself and don't say a word to your fiance. The important thing is to show him respect and remain faithful to him after marriage.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): I think it all depends on what your parents have lead the young-man and his parents to believe about you. If he comes from a deeply-religious and strongly traditional Indian-family; lets hope your parents didn't oversell how sweet and innocent you are. It would be very foolish of them deceive to anyone, in order to rush you off into marriage. Some people don't take kindly to that, and they may treat you horribly. Sometimes the past catches-up with you.
If your parents are fully aware of your bad-behavior; I don't think you should be complicit in perpetrating any false-perception of innocence and purity.
If you've got your parents thinking you're an angel while you're away at school; I think any true-confessions about your past should be given to them first. You'll save them embarrassment, and your own backside; if they have to delay wedding plans, or call off the marriage altogether.
If you think you could use some professional-counseling to get your head straight; now is the time to let your parents in on what has happened to you.
Telling him all your business first; will humiliate you and your family, if you get a bad reaction. Being parents, they may have given everyone the version of you that they wish you to be. If it isn't so, he doesn't deserve to be fooled. Hold-off on telling him anything, until you've talked to your parents first!!!
...............................
|
