A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 26 and have lived in a toxic, emotionally abusive household my whole life. I come from a culture where you're guilted into never moving out until marriage. (I'm saving up to move out as soon as I can though). Also, if I ever go no contact with them, my life would be made hell because my cultural community would basically hate me for "abandoning my family." To keep a long story short, I'm very much affected by my immediate family's emotional abuse and all my choices like career, finances, and relationships have been influenced by my desire to escape from them. I resent them so much, yet I go to therapy to find ways of sorting out my feelings. I've done everything on my part to make my relationship with my mother, father and sister work, but they are not meeting me half way or being introspective on what they could also do to help the relationship.In a way, it's been a blessing because it's made me stronger, more resilient, and who I am today.However...I don't know if I can ever be in a normal relationship because of it. I've grown to hate living with others. I've lived in a toxic, awful, NOISY home for my entire existence and crave peace and quiet. I'm fed up and have had enough with relational problems, as my family has had nothing but fights and relational problems. I'm exhausted. I've become impatient in putting in the time to actually find someone and fear that it may be pointless at the end of the day.I've been single out of choice, wanting to focus on grad school and throughout this time, I've just had a 3.5 year long sexual relationship for fun. Unfortunately, it's with a man who doesn't give two hoots about me but yet return to him because I just crave the affection from time to time. I still want to feel loved.Am I too messed up? Am I too damaged? I'm crying as I type this and have had depressing thoughts lately. I am scared that I am no longer in the mental capacity to have a partner because I'm so nauseated and tired from relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your feedback and advice. I appreciate it very much! Have a wonderful weekend!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): There are many aspects for consideration in your post but I just wanted to stop by and say that you are young. Your life can and should be anything you want it to be. Nobody has the right to force of influence unduly it to be anything else. In fact the biggest crime is to live and to be dictated to by others.
Your not messed up. Your finding your way. You’ll know when it’s the right time to make moves. Your gut will tell you.always listen to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): There are many aspects for consideration in your post but I just wanted to stop by and say that you are young. Your life can and should be anything you want it to be. Nobody has the right to force of influence unduly it to be anything else. In fact the biggest crime is to live and to be dictated to by others.
Your not messed up. Your finding your way. You’ll know when it’s the right time to make moves. Your gut will tell you.always listen to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): It's not presumption in my writing, but we have to speak in generalizations; because we don't know you. You tell one side of a story; and we can't determine what is fact, inaccurate, or an exaggeration.
No-one can tell you if you can recover. That's a question you direct to yourself; and you do your best to try.
Who here knows you, or has ever met you? People overcome a lot worse than what you've described in your post. You build your own hope, and set your own course.
If you make a plan, and commit to follow it; you will answer your own question.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 February 2020):
 You are very aware of what has happened to you in the past and you are working through it. You have every much a chance as anyone else to have a happy relationship! Any relationship is complicated none is perfect and they all take work. You need to believe in yourself and believe that you deserve happiness regardless of what your family might think.
I came from a dysfunctional family. My mother was very controlling emotionally abusive and my father was very soft spoken most of the time and although we knew he loved us he often didn't want to step up to the plate and go against my mother. Much fighting in the home between my parents when my father did stand up to my mother. We were brought up that we never did quite make the mark, and no one we chose was ever good enough for us. I wound up with a very fractured psyche and never felt good enough for someone but I knew wrong from right and I went against my parents as soon as I turned 18. I didn't want what they wanted for me so I became the black sheep of the family.
I have been married and divorced twice. 1st husband was physically abusive, 2nd became an alcoholic and very emotionally abusive. First marriage lasted 2 years, second 16 years. I do not want this to come across as arrogant but neither marriage failing was my fault. Both ex husbands would agree. I was a good wife, a good mother and I tried to make the marriages work. I have now been with the same man for almost 20 years. I am extremely happy and I believe he is too. He came from a very traditional Japanese home so trust me, we are very different but we get each other. NO fighting, no stress. If I can make a relationship work, why can't you?
I, like you, try very hard to have relationships with my mother (my dad passed away) and my sister. It is very difficult because neither of them try but I stay in touch. I don't let their opinions sway me though and when my mother becomes too overbearing...I say goodbye and hang up. It helps that I live 2000 miles away too.
BELIEVE in yourself. Stand up for what you want. Yes, get away from your family and the toxicity as soon as you can. It helps. Good luck OP. Never believe you don't deserve happiness ok?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (17 February 2020):
 You are absolutely NOT too badly damaged to heal and live the life YOU want. However, this may come at a price: you may have to learn to ignore/tolerate your parents' - and your community's - disapproval of your choices. You are going to have to learn to stand up for what you want, despite their views.
While I understand your reasoning for having this sexual relationship, I doubt this is helping your thinking. You may get a very temporary "high" from having sex with him but, once that is over, the "low" which follows is probably not worth it.
For the time being, you can only carry on saving as much as you can in order to get a place of your own. Then you probably need to spend some time completely alone (and you will probably love the solitude and peace for a while). Use this time to decide what it is you want from life. You are still very young. There is no rush.
Wishing you all the best. You can do this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE, thanks for the post. I have to be honest here—think there were a lot of assumptions made in your answer. There’s only so much I can write in here. To answer your question, I’m American born and raised, so no, the flag is accurate to my nationality. Yes, Middle Eastern ethnicity.
Also, I never said I didn’t have an education—I wrote in the description that I’m in graduate school and have the money, I am just saving up a little more to leave at a better time rather than act erratically. I have a plan, and the culture part of the question was just an add-in to give context to the situation.
And my therapy is helping, I don’t understand where the assumption that it’s not came from. A person can consult multiple modes of help.
And the growing up part may be true, I want to move on, but my question was mostly on if a person like me can recover and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2020): Sweetheart, you're only 26! You can't give-up on life right at the very beginning of it. You speak of how toxic of a family-life you've had growing-up; but being experienced in human-nature, I'll take a few things into consideration. You have plenty of time to work on yourself, make friends, and create a life for yourself. It takes determination, and a will to do it.
Often to throw us off, or as an extra-layer of precaution; OP's from other countries choose the American flag above their posts. When in-fact, they're not American. They don't specify their nationality, or what culture they're from; so we're in a very precarious position, when advising someone of a foreign-culture that might be intolerant of our modern western-culture and idealism. Politically, it could be dangerous for some people! I remain careful of what I say, and try not to insult other cultures; based on posts that leave-out certain vital details. We will tell you get out of there; but we don't know what the consequences of trying to might be.
You come from either an Asian or middle-eastern culture with traditional-parents. The story is almost always the same, a female who can't get along with her parents; and often their brothers are treated better. Patriarchal-cultures are pretty universal; it's challenged by modern-times, but most changes made towards women's-rights are bogus, or just for optics. Politics is good at presenting a well-created facade for all the world to see, but it's all window-dressing. America as a democracy seems to be crumbling into corruption and hatred. Don't get me started!
If you're first-generation born into the United States, your immigrant-parents still speak their native-language, eat traditional-foods; and practice their native-customs and religion, much like they did when they lived in the homeland. The same is often true for Eastern-European immigrants; who had a hard-life, due to political-unrest and nationwide-unemployment resulting from a troubled national-economy. That does terrible things to the minds, spirit, and behavior of people. The hunger, extreme poverty, violence, or political-oppression. Then once they're transplanted, they suffer the home-sickness and culture-shock that can destroy their families. Especially for war and political-refugees, who are forced to flee. Recovery sometimes never occurs once they come here. Life doesn't get better quick enough; even though they work as hard as they can. The American-dream seems out of reach! You don't have to be an immigrant to face that reality!
Their old-school parents and grandparents get carried-away with trying to cling to their language, religion, and/or cultural-identity; and put their westernized-children through unholy-hell! In the cultures mentioned above, it's common for parents to show favorites. That causes inner-family conflict and jealousy between siblings...not saying Americans don't do it, we simply hide behind political-correctness and fake-faces, and pretend not to do it.
Sometimes you can't have things both-ways. You say you don't want to upset anybody by distancing yourself from family; then you can't get along with your family. Well, such conflicts work themselves out; because your survival-instincts will force you to preserve yourself. You can't please everyone; so you're forced to please yourself.
If you're living in America, you live in a different cultural-environment; so old-traditions becomes strained. Your parents learn once you're an adult, they can't control you; so in frustration or desperation, they resort to intimidation, abuse, and cruelty. You can oppress and persecute people, or a person, only so much. They will rebel and retaliate. You have to make a decision whether to give-in to your circumstances, or find a way out.
You've had enough. Now you're going through self-pity; because your parents are trying to change and control you. While you're trying to change and Americanize your parents ways of thinking. You probably constantly butt heads! You don't want to follow their rules. They don't like your ways, or personal-style; but you still live in their house.
Everybody's mean to you? Why you? If you live in America, there is no way your parents can force you to stay in their house until you get married. Unless they chain you up in the basement. If you can never please them; then stop killing yourself trying.
The problem is, you don't have the financial-resources to move-out and live on your own. You don't have a plan. Perhaps you didn't get a formal-education, or seek training to help you to find gainful-employment. You may have a degree, but perhaps you've never developed adequate job-skills and experience to land a well-paying job? Then there the language-barrier. That places you at their mercy. You need them for food, clothing, and shelter; so they want control over your life in return. They treat you like Cinderella, because you're the ugly step-child who just gets on their nerves. If you can't live with them; then you work harder to get out of their house. Marriage apparently won't be the vehicle to do that! Not immediately!
You say you're more resilient? Why are you here? We can't tell how damaged you may be. We have never met you, and we cannot see you. Having a horrid family doesn't mean you don't know right from wrong, and can't love and be love. That takes determination too! The Hollywood/fairy-tale version of a romantic-relationship doesn't happen in real-life anyway; so you work with what you can get until you get it right. Stick with what doesn't hurt you, and makes you feel loved.
If you don't feel ready for a relationship...you're right! You're not!
Decide to grow-up! Can all that self-defeating stuff about being too damaged!!! If you're sane enough to write that post; you've got enough on the ball to have a relationship someday.
If you go to therapy, why is it so ineffective? What can we advise you regarding your mental-health that your therapist hasn't already offered you? Are you just showing-up now and then and going through the motions, or do you actually work with your therapist? You can't change your family; so change your surroundings and where you live. Make a plan.
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A
male
reader, Gmelin8 +, writes (17 February 2020):
Sometimes distance and different surroundings can change your outlook. Find a temporary job at least an hours travel from your current location. Get a specific time limit on the job so you can give your family less anxiety about your leaving. Find the job in a community with a very low crime rate and that has open jobs. Maybe a temporary job service could be helpful. Plan all the details before you commit to action.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2020): My dear please re read your post. How many times you repeat the phrase " I am "? It is all about you. Try to see things from others perspective. Look at the fuller half of the cup. Let go of the negative thoughts for they don't get you anywhere. Believe me your family will be the first to be overjoyed if you are happy and successful. Concentrate on your career for that is the only way you can get away from your family when you are able to support yourself financially and let go of "me" and "I am" for a while.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 February 2020):
 If you come from a culture that put a LOT of emphasis on family, I can see how deviating from the "norm" can be pretty hard. You are basically trying to swim against the current. It will make you a "strong swimmer" but also make you stand out in your family in a way they don't understand or appreciate. Top that off with you being a woman who in some cultures do not put themselves first. That is just not how they are "supposed" to behave and fit in the cultural norm.
But my guess is also this, there are OTHER women who have done what you want to do. You just haven't met them (yet) because they HAD to remove themselves from family AND the "cultural community" in order to survive and find sanity and peace.
I think it's GREAT that you are working on your mental health on your on, one flaw I see from your post is that you feel your family should meet you halfway. Yes, in a perfect World perhaps, but from their standpoint YOU are in the wrong and they don't want to enable you being "wrong". If you get what I mean?
So just keep on working on you, get the tools to FIND the you, you want to be and accept that you family are who THEY are. And when YOU rock the boat as you do, there is going to be some conflict. It might also be that they don't understand why YOU shouldn't be MISERABLE just like them! How dare you! In short they want to bully you into conforming.
If I were you I'd look into finding perhaps some forums for women of your cultural background who have chosen to break from family and succeeded or who still struggle. Someone who KNOWS where you come from (not geographically but emotionally).
Having sex with a guy isn't love. Him having sex with you isn't love either. I get that the sex fills a "void" but perhaps you have had this "kinda aimless" relationship for 3 1/2 years because you CRAVE affection and you don't care in what form you get it. Even if he doesn't love you he still touches you, enjoys you. He just doesn't WANT to invest in you. Emotionally or otherwise.
Are you too messed up? Compared to who?
Are you too damaged? Again, compared to who?
I think we all have some "messed" up events in our lives, some more severe, some less. But I don't think someone (like you) who are WORKING on themselves - on BETTERING themselves are too messed up for anything. I think the fact that you question things, your own and other people's actions is healthy.
But also ACCEPTING that IF you want to BE loved you have to start by loving yourself, respecting yourself and not selling yourself short.
You know this "thing" you have doesn't have a future. Which might be why it's still going on after 3 1/2 years. IT IS easier (with everything else you got going on) to NOT be invested in a partner, to NOT create a deep emotional bond with someone, to not GIVE to much of yourself and to not expect much in return. But at some point... you are going to have to realize and ACCEPT that IF you want more, THIS, isn't going to be the guy for you.
And to be honest here, I'm NOT advocating for you to drop your family and cultural heritage and do you. But you might want to seek out others who have found way to cope and make THEIR lives how they want them. Maybe you can get some of both Worlds, maybe you can't. I see you trying and I think that is healthy too.
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