A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have been friends with this man since college and when we met he told my friends there was "something different about her" and was very into me. I was into him also but because he dated someone I knew we flirted a lot but it never turned into something. We slept together twice and we were like best friends. He said that we were such similar people...same sense of humor and so on. After our friends would all hang out he would just stay to talk and we'd stay up all night talking about families dreams goals etc. if there was anyone else he would come back to me in the end. There were other girls, there were other guys but it always seemed to happen. When he finally asked me to formal he was surprised I even said yes but then flaked on me and went with someone else because he didn't want to cause trouble with the other girl and our friend group. He almost dated this other girl at one point and their relationship ended up fizzing out and I told him how I felt and he was like why didn't you ever tell me because I liked you too I think right now is just bad timing for us. He is a shy guy for the most part but makes it known every time I enter a room to come say hi and compliment me ask how I'm doing and such. People would come up to me and ask if we were something because of how he would stare and pay attention to me as if I was the only girl in the room. We both went our different ways as he slept with my best friend after he drank too much one night and he went into a relationship with a different girl and I went into one with another guy. We did not talk for over a year and now we are 2 years out of college and he reaches out because he's missed me and apologized for everything that happened in college. I'm over that all happening and we are different people, you live and you learn. He broke up with his gf I broke up with my bf not because of each other but other circumstances. The same cycle of talking all night began..our inside jokes and laughing until our sides hurt began again. And the feelings came back. We slept together 2 more times and hung out the next day holding hands hugging and feeding each other ice cream. He texted me that that was the best day he's had in a while and he had so much fun with me. Another night he says he'll never find a girl he's going to be alone etc which I deny and he said to me he keeps coming back to me after all these years because I got it all. He's told me I'm beautiful before how I'm funny, everything. So I decided to ask if there was anything more that could come and he said we are just friends who hook up. My question is how can you be just friends if you sleep together, say I don't want anything to change between us, and that I really have it all? Is it because he has mommy or emotional issues that he can't commit? What do I do now?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 While reading your post it is clear you are much more in to this guy than he is in to you. Even when he done wrong in the past you explain it in your post by making excuses for him, why he took someone else to the formal after asking you, why he slept with your best friend, why he dated other girls. But no matter how many excuses you make for him it is clear to see that he has no issues, he just knows he can get back in to your pants. He sees you as a friend who he can have sex with if he is single. He is being honest with you, listen to what he is saying. Its not that you are lacking something its just he does not see you as girlfriend material.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): He thinks he gives you the feelgood factor and he very carefully takes it back when he leaves!That very special connection you have means he gets his dxxx out when it wants airing and puts it back again, maybe into his closet!He figures you will be there at his wedding, alone, twiddling your cherry in your drink with the cocktail stick.Wifey will say nothing to you at all and you will feel as unwanted as Adele did before she wrote her first major hit.He is not your friend, he is your frennimie!So long as he looks good he wont give a damn about how you feel.Dig out your chastity belt and buckle it when he's around.Those all night sessions of laughter give him time to swallow viagra and play the stud!You are part of his entourage and he will have other fallback girls in other places, some even replaceable by those who sell it.Now you see him clearly you can understand why you never want to be in the same room as him again! How you finally disentangle emotionally is up to you. Its best to start by seeing every word he said as a lie!Also consider how much expense he spared himself in terms of renting a room for the night and you will understand why you are important and special to him!Stop taking his calls and leave him to rely on his plastic instead!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2017):
 No, it's not because he has got mommy issues or emotional issues. At least, not that we can see that based on what you write.
It's because - as banal as it sounds - he's just not that into you. He is into you... to a point. He likes spending occasional times with you, according to his mood , schedule and convenience. And why shouldn't he- you share some interests and personality traits, like the same sense of humour, and he feels comfortable in your companionship- every now and then. And, obviously, sex works too somewhat ( but apparently not to earthshaking extents of passion ).
You are absolutely an OK companion for him- subject to some limitations which can be summed up in : in his eyes you are not gf matreial. He does not feel romantic or passionate about you, and, in his eyes, you haven't got what it takes to convince him to be committed and monogamous.
It happens . Don't take it too personally. It does not mean that you are lacking under any point of view- actually, he recognizes all your good qualities. It's just that , good qualities and all, you are not "special " enough for him to have true feelings for you and make him wish to choose you as his only partner. And what feels
" special " to each of us is in part quite irrational, and we may not even be aware of it or able to pinpoint it clearly. It's just - either you've got it, or you don't.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (8 May 2017):
 Such a waste of time.
He knows you like him and plays on it. I can't see this ever materialising into something more which I'm guessing you're hoping for.
Why is the timing off with you but not other girls? The longer you continue down this road the more you'll get hurt. He sounds like he values you as a friend that he can use for sex in between gfs.
You need to build up the courage to tell him no and you need more commitment than that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 May 2017):
 I believe that we eventually settle down with the person who comes into our lives AT THE RIGHT TIME. The right person can come into your life at ANY time but, if you are not ready to settle down, you will let that relationship go because the timing isn't right.
This guy is obviously not ready to settle down yet. Assuming he is a similar age to you, that is not really surprising.
What do YOU want from this relationship? To me the relationship sounds more like best friends (with occasional benefits) than a proper romantic relationship. I assume you are not happy with the way things are, otherwise you would not be writing in.
This guy MAY wake up one day and decide he wants to settle down with you. HOWEVER, what I have seen happen time and time again in this sort of relationship is that, one day, one of the people involved meets someone they fall head over heals for and settle down with, leaving the other person devastated and wondering what the hell happened.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 May 2017):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
You are wasting your time if you want more than an FWB/F-buddy.
While he seems like a GREAT match in many ways you two haven't been able to make it work or even TRY anything past FWB and I think there is a reason for that. Like WO said, this guy LIKES you vulnerable and he likes the fact that when he has nothing "better" going on he has YOU to be his good-time go-to girl.
IF he actually REALLY cared about you - he would want more. Not just occasional sex in between other GF's.
I'd think this over and decide CAN you be JUST platonic friends with him or not. If you can, TAKE sex out of the equation and BE his friend(but not more than that) if you CAN'T - wish him well and cut him loose and then YOU move on.
You are wasting some GOOD years on a man who doesn't WANT all of you, just some of you.. when the mood strikes.
Not really the sign of a GREAT guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): A couple of years after my partner died; I ran into a friend we knew way back in the day. In our college days, we would always run into each other at parties or cultural events; because he likes art and the opera.
Over the past several years, he comes my way; and he tries to arrange dinner dates. With hopes I'll spend the night.
Apart from my partner, he and I have a lot of things in-common. We both love horses and riding, he went to the same college, his uncle served with my uncle in the military, and I loved his sense of humor. He is a very attractive guy, and has a magnetism that appeals to both sexes.
He was/is a hell of a charmer; and tried his best to get me to cheat on my previous boyfriend so many times. There were no cell phones back in those days; but soon as they were available, guess who he tried to reach?
I now have a new boyfriend; and on his last visit to town he hit me up. He knows where I work, and he stopped by to take me out to lunch. He came right-out and told me; we should have hooked-up years back. He said it never would have led-up to anything serious; but we are two of a kind. He wants to know what I'd be like in bed.
I told him I'm not into to FWB; and he's only interested when I happen to be with somebody, or he has just ended a relationship. I told him I think we should just go our separate ways; those were the days. I don't really like people toying with my affections or throwing charm at me to see whether I'll take the bait and cheat on my mate! We came close way back when; but I backed-out at the last minute.
Your friend likes keeping your feelings up in the air. You're good friends, but he likes sex for old-time's sake. He can't commit to you; because he prefers you when you're just ending a relationship or in-between. He feasts on your vulnerability and the convenience of having you around to boost his ego and heal his wounds after his own breakups. You're his emotional-nursemaid, and he knows you've got a thing for him. He prefers to remain single; but have the benefit of someone like you around to still make him feel loved. Until he's back up on his feet.
My advice. No more sex. Keep it platonic, or end it altogether. It's on and off; at his convenience. You're a pal and a f*ck-buddy. You want and deserve better.
Guys like that like having people with a sense of loyalty; and they like knowing they can wake-up passion inside us when they're around. I've told my boyfriend all about the guy and what he's up to. He says he sensed he has a thing for me, and he knows I must have given him the boot. He knows me. I don't like guys who like milking your feelings and using me as a bandage over his bruised ego; or to remind him he's still desirable. I was single four years, and not one word from that guy. We have mutual friends, and he knew when I was single. He called me a "goody-two-shoes" on the first day he met me. I never forgot that!
You're not just friends when you sleep together. That's why I never gave into the guy I knew. It would have changed things, and I would have been the one to get my heart broken. I have good intuition, and I'm highly perceptive. I sensed very well where he was coming from. He wanted to see if he had any power or control over my feelings; and if he could erode my will and self-confidence. Just because!
I think you're dealing with the same kind of situation and shouldn't include sex as a part of your connection. He'll sweet-talk to you; and tell you how wonderful and beautiful you are. That's only to weaken your resistance and lower your defenses. Just like my friend. My friend always showers me with compliments and said he just wanted to grab me right in-front of my partner. Yeah, right! I would have clocked him on the spot. If my partner didn't.
I think you should keep your feelings in-check. If he doesn't want anything more serious; then assess the friendship and decide if it's really the type of relationship you want with him. If it isn't, gather the courage to go your separate ways. He will keep you from finding someone who's willing to actually give you what you want and need. Stop holding-out for him to come around. He has proven over time that he won't. He tells you what you want to hear. He wants you always there when he needs help getting over other women. Good-old Miss Faithful!
You're under 25, so you haven't known that guy as an adult that long. He likes being playmates; but I don't think he really wants a romantic-relationship. Don't settle on his terms.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): I know you care a lot about him sweetie. But he isn't the one for you.He knows exactly what to say and do in order to keep having sex with you. Sure, he likes you. But he is not feeling the way you are.The minute you should have gotten these thoughts out of your head was the minute he slept with your best friend. That's low. You say it so matter of factly. Should it not have been a deal breaker? So what if he was drunk? He still did it. Drunk or not drunk, his actions were not acceptable and they show he has no real or deep feelings for you. Not only that but he has continued to hook up with different girls the whole time he has known you, even if you did not always see each other. You did not talk for over a year. If a guy cared about you that much, he would not lose contact with you for that long and sleep with other girls. You are now back on his radar because he wants to have sex. Maybe he is going through a dry spell. You are always there. You allow him to take advantage of you.Friends who hook up? That means friends with benefits. You get along. You are friendly with each other but you hook up for sex.That is it.He is not in a relationship with you. He is not committed or exclusive to you. He is free to do as he pleases.I think it is best you move on from this guy. He is keeping you on the hook. Doing a pretty good job of it too. The longer you hang onto him, the more he will hurt you. Because his feelings do not run deep. So, you are the one who will be devastated when you fall in love with him and he leaves you, either because you got too serious or for another conquest.You are only hurting yourself by allowing him to play you like this.He is not a good guy. He is not boyfriend material.He is looking for a girl who will supply him with a steady source of sex. Nothing more.If you cannot handle sex without commitment or without a relationship, it is time to bail.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (8 May 2017):
Your far to sweet and far to into him ..
He means what he says .. he likes you .. your good company the sex is good but he is not that into you to commit . Take this advice and stop sleeping with him .
Hang out if you can handle it . Do not kiss and say you need to go if he starts anything that looks or feels remotely like he wants more .
He has no momma issues. .. he's dated where do you get that from ?
Back off as your only going to get hurt . There are plenty of other guys who will give you that giddy feeling if you let them . He's there and you think available . Emotional he isn't with you .. great pal nice sex nothing else .
Sorry sweetie but move on and don't fall for his cwap please your too good and deserve better !
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