A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:After dating few men and some random hook ups, i eventually had to agree upon an arranged marriage by my parents. While my parents are seriously looking out for a groom, I am confused if i have to change my contact number and also delete my facebook profile to avoid any calls from my exes and hookups. I am also skeptical if i can share my past to my spouse pre or post wedding. I would like to be honest about it while most of my friends are advising me the opposite to avoid future complications wih my spouse. It would be nice if anyone can advice me on this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): To other agony aunts here,Things are not the same as they used to be. Although parents discourage and restrict premarital relationships/sex, the current generation of men and women know very well that most people have a romantic and possibly even sexual past. Kids as young as 14 are engaging in dating and sexual activities. (which is not something to be proud of though). In fact, many educated and empathetic older generation people are also accepting of a prospective groom/bride for their child as long as it is really PAST and not present. What most parents would be concerned about is that the girl/guy in question might be hung up on someone while their parents are forcing them into an arranged marriage, in which case the person who is willingly looking for a match is deceived into marrying someone who is hung up on another guy/girl. Other than that virginity is not as much of an issue as it used to beMany men are very happy and grateful to find a nice girl as long as she's TRULY AVAILABLE. If a small minority of men are obsessed with virginity, they are either gender biased or virgins themselves, who could feel retroactive jealousy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): 'My parents are seriously looking for a groom'. How about yourself? If you had enough freedom to date/hookup guys, I'm sure your parents must be trying to involve you in the process of this 'search'. You should quit focusing on what the 'future husband' will think about you and instead focus on what kind of husband you are going to find for yourself. What are you looking for in a husband? What do you want out of marriage? What preference do you have when it comes to the type of marriage- a monogamous one, an open one? What qualities/beliefs do you want your spouse to have? Find a man who matches your own personality and thinking. Then I don't see why there should be a problem. If you are ok with pre marital sex, don't you think at the basic level of common values, you need to marry someone who is also okay with pre marital sex? What are you going to achieve by marrying someone who is different from you in his values, beliefs and thinking? Do have dates, communication with the short listed guys and don't settle for anyone until you find a man that thinks like you and wants what you want in life and from marriage! Don't assume that a guy is going to be like you and don't let the guys assume who you are. Be honest, but before marriage. what is even the point of sharing things about yourself AFTER marriage, I mean it does not contribute to the selection or rather elimination process then. You would be harming your own happiness and the guy's happiness if you aren't actively looking for a 'match' it's called match for a reason. What is the whole point if you two do not match? So be very open and honest in the looking out phase, expect the same from the guys too. Ask them question, mildly interrogate on dates. Many arranged as well as love marriages are ending in quick divorce because people don't make a fully informed decision. People look at exterior qualities like money, looks, education etc and leave out what's more important ie. one's individual expectations, thinking, values etc. And it's upon YOU to find out these things. Your parents will merely provide you with options..it's you who has to choose after careful consideration. It's you who is going to live under one roof with that man. God forbid he treats you badly or both of you struggle from conflict in interest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2017): No one enjoys past lovers being thrown in their face or even confidentially whispered about in quiet pillow case moments.Usually these kind of things are yelled about later in public arguements.The kind of love you are about to embark on is a form of contract that technically cancels all other forms of interactions but do you understand what you are in for?It is a public guarantee of commitment and future child bearing with financial support from both families.Maybe you can stock up on witty one liners like "Darling the minute I met you everyone I ever met in the past became nothing to me because they could never be my future!""I saw only you as my future!""You dont ask a child what shoes they wore when they were but babies!""True love begins with the commitment to make a family and look after it for all time!""Love has no meaning without marriage!""Do you need to know how many eyelashes I have when my eyes are open!".. or closed or half asleep or half awake etc." Does the moon ask permission from the sun torise?"These are all expressions that stops the questionee from digging up family or personal secrets or events!Chances are your fo!ks will choose someone with a chequered history too, so dont walk down confidential tell all street or it usually ends with a smack in the mouth!These are idealistic arrangements stuck at with pure grit by both parties and that includes inlaws too.Remember you cannot fit the stone until the metal is caste into the correct setting!Maybe you will just get a disillusioned lad who just wants someone prepared to be faithful.And if he asks after your sexual knowledge just say "I have seen a cat on heat!"But you dont have to follow my advice! These are just examples.If all else fails contact the 'Love Commandos!" based in Delhi who help vulnerable couples at risk of honor killings to get married for love!But research that as well in case duplicitous organisations with different agendas take up their place!If nothing else ask your mum...provided she's not an honor killing type!You have the power of negotiation so choose your words wisely and think before you blurt anything out.See a lawyer for full rules of arranged marriage requirements and obligations thereupon!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2017): I don't see what cultural expectations have to do with the morality of being honest. This is a topic that might cause relationship problems. You don't say you are in danger of getting killed or anything.
If my background family and culture expected me to have no criminal history, or expected me to have a college degree, does that entitle me to lie about it? Just because I don't agree or don't live up to what my culture expects of me?
As for the double standard, cross the bridge if and when you come to it. Your husband might have one or he might not. He might lie to you or he might not.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (9 May 2017):
Tell him you dated before but don't give him any details. The past should stay in the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): I think due to cultural expectations, you should keep quiet and not mention previous lovers and hookups. It is expected by men in your country that the woman stays a virgin until marriage. However this double standard doesnt apply to men and your future husband may not tell you the extent of his romantic history. People say honesty is the best policy but really I think in this situation your husband will respect you more if you dont reveal this. Also make sure that you really want to get married as you are still very young. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 May 2017):
 Keep your Facebook completely out of bounds for anyone other than whoever is on your friend list. The simplest thing would be to block the exes and the hookup guys.
As regards your past, just keep totally mum. It's what you present to the other party that makes you what you are. Your future husband might have a very racy past as well but he will be quick to judge you and you can't do a thing because guess what .. Arranged marriage!
If a small lie can give you a happy married life then by all means go for it. It's not that you're cheating on the man after marriage. The problem with most Indian men is that they want a virgin in the bedroom no matter what they've done themselves in the past.
Not that it's any of my business but why are you agreeing to this way of getting married anyway? And you're very young too so what's the hurry?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): It is universal that mature people do not ask or tell a current bf or husband their past lovers. So do not tell.
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A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (8 May 2017):
 Firstly, it depends on whether he asks about your dating history or not. If he does, then without going into precise detail about every ex,it is probably best to be honest and say you have had past lovers. Otherwise, you run the risk of it all coming out in the open at a later date, which could be difficult. Honesty is always the best policy! Good luck for the future x
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 May 2017):
 You're not obliged to change your contact information but it might be a good idea. At least change your Facebook settings so that only friends can see your profile. Block and delete any exes and hookups.
Second, I agree with your friends about not sharing your sexual history, but do NOT lie. You can be honest that you are not prepared to discuss or listen to details about the past. I cannot stress enough that you must not lie. We get far too many posts from men, some of whom have been happily married for 20 years, 3 kids, and because of a drunk friend, they learn their wives understated their histories. It becomes a nightmare.
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