A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’m soo confusedI really need help! I’ve been talking to a long distance guy for a while. He challenges me really hard and normally I wouldn’t like that but there’s something when he does it I get mad but I still like it. He has more everything then me money, a house, multiple cars. He claims he doesn’t have a problem dating a girl who doesn’t have all those things, but I think that is one reason we never dated. Now he’s dating someone else(not official) and still wants to be friends. He keeps bringing up things like when you come to visit this area make sure I know. I want to double date with you. I want you to see my house. Those types of things. I was happening to go there soon but I don’t know if I should tell him, because I would want to spend some time alone with him like at dinner(as friends) and I don’t know how the girl would take it. He’s said if I ever get married he better be at my wedding and I should be at his. In the beginning we acted like we were dating talking on the phone for 3-4 hours straight and texting all day everyday. Are we truly friends? He’s told me some really deep secrets and vise versa. What was his purpose for all of this? Btw: when first met I was at a really low point and my self esteem and self love was very low. I told him there was a time where it wasn’t and I was a different person, and maybe I needed to go back to being her again. He said “we probably would have got along better then, but we get along fine now” and “if you would have been her we wouldn’t have met” what does that mean exactly? Would he have dated the girl I was back then? Would he have liked her better as a friend?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 October 2019):
 Sweetheart, you are setting yourself up for endless pain and disappointment. It is like watching a car crash about to happen - horrendous and scary yet inevitable.
Let me tell you what will happen when/if you meet up with him in person. You are so hung up on him that you will be putty in his hands and will be easily persuaded to have sex with him. In your eyes this will mean you are in a relationship but, as soon as you return home, he will again re-affirm you are just "friends". You will feel used, even though you will have willingly gone along with the whole scenario. You may even replay the same scenario over and over, hoping he will eventually "fall for you". Each time he is single, you will live in hope that this time he will pick you to be his girlfriend.
Let me tell you, no man ever turned down dating a girl because she doesn't own a car or some other unimportant material things. If he really wanted to date you, he would. For whatever reason, he has friend-zoned you because he has decided you are not for him. He is happy to chat with you and probably even hook up if you are conveniently in his area, but he is not offering any more than that. You need to listen to what he is saying and accept that this is all that is on offer.
In your shoes I would slowly try to wean myself away from him and make new friends. I would certainly not be meeting up with him .
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2019): Typo corrections:
"You're simply accepting it as friendship; because you have no other choice."
"You'll become increasing addicted to it; and you'll waste too much valuable time on it."
"He has purposely kept you in the world of reality in two ways;..."
"You're a source of attention, playful distraction; and you're a "pen-pal" to message, and chat-away the idle-hours."
P.S.
I'm not only editing punctuation, grammatical, or typographical-errors; I'm also re-emphasizing these points.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2019): You really need to find yourself a romantic-outlet! Socialize and date, to distract yourself from this so-called long-distance friendship.
You're emotionally investing everything into it; and you seem to be becoming infatuated and obsessed. You're grasping for any signs you can, that you can define this as more than it is; and make this more than just being friends. You simply accepting it as friendship; because you have no other choice. He keeps his distance and remains far out of reach! Deliberately! I think he's lying and exaggerating about his financial situation!
If you've never met in-person; everything about him could be imaginary. Pictures and videos don't prove anything. Everything you see could all belong to somebody else! All carefully scripted, artfully constructed, and all manufactured to impress you. You're more of a fan or a contact; than a friend. Otherwise, you'd have met by now!
He may be making everything up; and everytime you start talking about meeting, he throws it up in your face he's seeing someone! It seems he's persistently trying to discourage you from trying to meet him. His flirtations are just play-acting for your benefit; and he's not romantically-attracted to you. Not if he keeps continuously talking about you meeting on double-dates, telling you he's seeing other women, and asking for a wedding-invitation when you're obviously not even dating!
Getting hooked on imaginary online-romances will keep you in a fantasy-world. You'll become increasing addicted to it; and you'll waste too
much valuable time on it. Hoping, dreaming, and waiting for more to come out of it. It will never materialize. Just a bunch of promises and teases!
He has purposely kept you in the world of reality two things; by letting you know, he is actively seeing other women, and he has a real life. Maybe not the one he displays on social media.
Albeit he enjoys spending time chatting with you; but this is becoming everything to you, and you're growing increasingly attached.
You apparently aren't seeming anyone. You keep using that word "friends;" but it must be quite frustrating for you. He's so loose and casual about it; and it seems more like "contacts" than anything else. You're looking for elements of attraction, and hoping it will grow closer somehow. You're waiting him out, hoping time will transform this connection you have into something. Meanwhile, you're not doing much of anything else...are you? He makes you mad? I guess he does. He's a big tease! Spending a lot of time building-up your hopes!
If you really were happy with friendship; you wouldn't have written DC about it. You need more, and you're stuck on this; because you've allowed yourself to become somewhat addicted to chatting and messaging.
You're a source of attention, playful distraction; and you're a "pen-pal" to message. and chat-away the idle-hours. However, there is a difference. He has a life, and you are devoted to this..."friendship."
You need to make yourself available for dating, and you need to get-out more. You need to keep your social-skills polished; and to put your five senses to use with a real romance.
You're more into him, than he's into you. What you have is fine for a couple of 12 year-olds; but you need to get out there and make yourself visible and available. This little thing you've got going on isn't going anywhere you're hoping it will. You're almost losing touch with reality.
Time to break-free of the emotional-dependency, make some local-friends, and to seek your own real-life romance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2019): If you have never met him in person what makes you think he is genuine? You know the internet is full of liers and frauds. If I were you I wouldn't invest in him too much instead find someone nearer home whom I can see in person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2019):
 I think you are both each others entertainment more than actual friends.
You said that in the beginning you two "acted" like you were dating. But that DID change when HE met a girl he can date and see in person on an almost daily basis. He no longer NEEDS the attention from you as much but he still WANTS the extra attention, so offering friendship makes sense.
He wouldn't have met you if you had been at a low point, that is what he meant. You wouldn't have "needed" him in your life (so to speak). THAT is what he meant ( I think).
Does it matter if he would have dated "past-you"? Not at all. Because you are NOT "past-you", you are "now-you" and whether he would have dated "past-you" or not, IS irrelevant, HE didn't want to date YOU. He just wanted someone to talk to, someone who made HIM feel important and who was/is INTERESTED in him. All these speculations of "could have, would have, what if's" are SO pointless.. Because they are NOT going to happen and you can't go back in time.
About the dinner if you go to his "area" - WHY not meet the GF? Because you ACTUALLY would like a relationship with this guy? Perhaps (if you are to be totally honest)
I could be wrong here, but... it sounds like you are crushing on him and want more. And you "think" the reason you didn't date is because you aren't as successful or wealthy as him... which I think is wrong. I think being long-distance, you being very vulnerable when you met are probably more likely to be the reason.
You mention a lot of "fantasy" talk. Like IF you are in his area, WHEN you get married blah blah...
I think he just REALLY want to make SURE you know all he wants from you is to be friends. That YOU should look elsewhere for a BF, just like he looked elsewhere for a GF.
Are you really friends?
I don't know. I have had pen-pals across the World that I would write to and occasionally talk on the phone with, and yes, I regarded them as friends.
If you do have some romantic feelings for him, and again, your post makes me think you do, then no you can't really BE friends. Friends don't crush on each other like that.
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