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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone!So I have been with my husband for nearly 10 years and married for nearly one year.After 2 months of marriage, he got diagnosed with a life changing, incurable condition which meant he was off work for 6 months. It completely turned his life upside down. A few months after the diagnosis, he started being distant with me, and he eventually revealed he no longer wants to have children. We had planned on eventually starting a family, and up until then, he had always talked about having them, and even named them!When he told me this, I knew something was wrong. Things got worse, and he started disappearing for weekends, and isolating himself from me, his family and friends. He ignores everyone, not just me.In september, he told me he's going to stay at his mum's for a while, because he needs space. This gutted me, as I wasn't sure what it meant for us. We were so, so happy before his diagnosis. We don't argue (well, we have disagreements now and again about silly, trivial things like he didn't wash the dishes or something!) and nothing, at all, has happened in our marriage to make him want to leave.He has depression and has started on medication, and he's in therapy. These are positive steps. I have given him his space, and have not been in contact for weeks at a time. I have seen him a few times, where he's come back home. We had a lovely time together during each time, became intimate etc. and it almost felt normal again.He still says he loves me, and he misses me. But when I ask him if he wants to be married to me he says "I think so" and most recently "I don't know". He also messaged me a few weeks ago to ask what holidays he needs to book off from work, for next year?!I think aswell, that he felt the need to leave because I was getting VERY upset. He'd be acting so cold and distant towards me, I would just sit and cry. I feel like he feels very guilty, as he hasn't treated me very well over the past few months. The past few times I've got upset infront of him since he left, he breaks down in tears.I am very confused. I feel like this is all down to his depression, and once he gets it under control, we'll be fine. This is what my gut tells me. Everyone I know just can't believe this is happening. I still can't believe this is happening. If I had been shown a snippet of my life from the last few months, to myself this time last year when I was about to get married, I would NEVER have believed it. I love him, so very much. I take my vows to him very seriously, and I want everything to be ok again. I just don't know how? I know I need to be patient, but does anyone have any ideas on how I can support him through this? I'm going to the cinema with him tomorrow (He used to love going, but since the depression hit, he hasn't wanted to) in an effort to try and make him see that we can be good again, and to try and get him out and about again. It's just so difficult. I just want him to come home
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2019): OP here! Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate it! WiseOwlE, you are so kind and your response really made me feel hopeful again, so thank you very much, god bless you
Just a bit of an update; Things are going well between us when we are together. It was my birthday a few days ago and he got me a pair of Dr.Martens and a bunch of flowers which I wasn't expecting! He took me out for lunch and we had a great time, and he started referring to me as 'babe' again. We're spending this weekend together for our first anniversary.
I think I'm just going to keep in contact, keep spending time with him, and be there for him when he needs me. He does seem happy when we're together and it's a tough time for him, every aspect of his life seems to be falling apart. They do say the first year of marriage is the hardest!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2019): My heart sincerely goes out to you and your situation. There are no words that can be said that can really and truly comfort you in these times; but I would recommend you might get some grief-counseling, just to help you cope.
It is like a loss, or the death of a loved-one. Carefully reading your post, being empathetic and sympathetic, I feel your pain. Your anguish comes through clearly; which means that it is just as important that you take care of yourself as well. You can only take this day by day. Look forward to the future with optimism; without losing touch with reality and the probabilities of unforeseen swings and changes. He's dealing with mental-illness; which is unpredictable and frightening for everyone.
You shouldn't lose hope. It takes time for your husband to adjust to his treatment program and prescription-therapy. Sometimes it takes time to find the best avenue of treatment; or it may take a combination of treatments over time. You want immediate results; and realistically, that may never be the case. It will take time, and you also have to come to grips that he may not be able to cope with the demands of marriage. For now, anyway. That may completely depend on the depth and seriousness of his mental-disorder. Time is the factor here. Whether you can handle what he says to you is another.
You may have to prepare yourself emotionally in the event that he may completely mean what he says; but then again, he may only be speaking based on his emotions at the time. Let's just assume he hasn't lost his ability to reason, although his sense of judgement may be impaired. Depression causes confusion, loss in concentration, and poor decision-making.
If there is faith and worship in your life, pursue it. It also brings hope and comfort. Your spirit requires refreshment and lifting at times; and it goes much deeper than just your conscious-mind. It goes down to your very soul and inner-being. The comforting-words of your pastor, priest, imam, or rabbi...whomever is in leadership of your faith, can provide prayer and spiritual-counseling to get you through this. If you are a believer, remember God listens and will help. I've been through some things; most recently back in May, my sister died of lupus. Leaving behind her husband and six kids, the youngest just being 14 and 16. I've found my peace. I pray a lot! I get results too!
If he asks for space give it to him. Forcing yourself to witness him while he's dealing with his depression only renders you into a sense of helpless; and increased anxiety. Men hide our weaknesses, and often we retreat into our dens to lick our wounds; and to avoid any exposure of our injury. He sees your pain in your eyes; but he can't be strong for you, and that may place all the more pressure on him. Not to say, you shouldn't make frequent visits regardless of his protests. You are his wife, and he can't just push you out of the way. Regressing back to his childhood for his mother's care is just instinctive. You seek the past and a better time. That's what being at home brings. The memories of your innocence. He's avoiding all sources of pressure.
Even if you're a nonbeliever, it doesn't mean I can't put in a prayer for you. I hope you'll make the best of the time you do spend together. Deal with life in the present. Allow him time to heal, which could be limited. Seek your own support-system through family, friends, worship, and counseling. Love has to come from many sources, my dear. It fills the void! Even the arms of your own mother!
God bless and keep you both. May He bless you with children someday. Don't ever lose hope, sweetheart!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 October 2019):
 He is going through a HUGE event in his life. All the plans you two have had are going down the drain because of his diagnosis.
Not wanting kids (maybe because he is afraid of the genetics he carries) makes sense in the here and now.
Not wanting to LIVE with you, makes less sense to me. I get that he feels going back (regressing to a kid for mom to take care of) MIGHT feel easier for him, he might feel staying with you would be a burden for you. HIS whole life got turned upside down but he doesn't SEEM to understand that SO did YOURS!
If he is in therapy I'd ask him how that is going and IF he has talked to his therapist about you and your marriage. It's a start. Or ask if It's possible for him to see a therapist WITH you. Someone who handles couples therapy, maybe even the one he sees now. I would also be VERY upfront with the fact that you WANT him home.
This is hard because you ARE there wanting to support and he just ran home to mom when shit hits the fan. In a way I totally understand him and on the other hand I don't quite get what "space" will help ANYONE. Neither you nor him.
But you NEED to talk to him, and tell him how you feel.
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