A
female
age
51-59,
*ee4ever
writes:I feel really weird asking this but I really need some advice. I've been at my sales job for 4 months and going through a lot of personal issues. I work on 100% commission and the last few months have been rough money wise. I live with my bf and only pay 1/3 of his mortgage - an amount he thought was appropriate. He pays ALL the house bills and we split our grocery. I have a lot of spare time lately with work and have been in need of his attention and affection due to this difficult time (a whole other major issue). He works 40 hours at work then comes home and works another 30hrs. I know he needs income but his family also calls him money hungry. I find myself resenting the fact he never has time to spend with me because he won't stop working. I know he has a lot of home bills but I also know financially he doesn't need to work so much. I feel like sitting him down and telling him he's missing out on our life together but how can I ask that if I don't pay my fare share? Am I being a bee for wanting him to spend time with the family?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): hi OP I'm the first anon female poster.
It's tough taking care of a toddler on top of a difficult commission-only job.
if you can get a better job, then go for it.
I understand you feel lonely, but again, I feel that you should try to make yourself feel better, not try to make him make you feel better.
how do you try to make yourself feel better: well, reaching out to others is a good way, including him. But if you reach out and the other person says "I'm sorry I can't, not right now" then you have to respect their needs too, and not focus more on trying to get them to meet your needs when they already said they can't.
And in particular with a significant other, it's not your bf's job to make you feel less lonely. Yes I do agree you will probably feel less lonely if he spent more time with you, but that shouldn't be the one and only way for you to feel less lonely, which is through him. that's not healthy for you.
it's not his job to make time for you for no other reason other than so you wont' feel so lonely. because there are other ways to feel less lonely which you can do, and he's already out busy working hard to support you.
if you've already reached out to him and he says "I'm sorry I can't" then you should try to get your loneliness resolved without him. Sitting around waiting for him and resenting him for not meeting your needs, does no good except make you feel worse both towards yourself and towards him. it's not practical.
I do sympathize that you feel overwhelmed and lonely and frustrated. But I don't think you should be looking to him and ONLY him, to make you feel better because he's got his own set of problems to take care of.
Look to other friends and family, or make the effort to make new friends, spread the 'emotional burden' out amongst more people and not put it all entirely on one person's shoulders (him). People are at their emotional healthiest when they have a rich and supportive NETWORK of people in their lives, and not when their network consists of just their significant other. in previous bygone eras each person had more people in their networks - extended families lived together, villagers were practically extended families in and of themselves, neighbors knew each other. It was never normal for to have only ONE person in your life that can make you feel less lonely.
but these days our modern lifestyles make it more difficult to maintain close ties with people, so I think many people find it 'easiest' to rely entirely on their significant other to get all their emotional needs met, since that's the one person who is "bound" by societal rules and expectations to for sure be there for them. if this happens a lot or often and this one person (the significant other), then it can become unfair to that partner.
how about reconnecting with your friends, or make the effort to go out and do something different and make new friends, expand your network of connections so you'll feel less lonely. good luck!
A
female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (24 January 2012):
Bee4ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the thoughtful response. I do want to mention that in my free time I care for my son (toddler) and help him out with his home business to be closer to him. Also the bills he has were bills he paid alone before I came into picture. Although I know just by being here I do incur costs like heat and water. Ive offered to pay more or work somewhere else but he likes the fact that my job has potential and I'll end up better in the long run. I guess right now I'm just needing him and text is the only way we communicate these days. I'm lonely and needing his shoulder I guess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): so let me get this straight:
- you pay 1/2 the grocery bills but only 1/3 the mortgage and none of the other bills
- he pays all the house bills, 1/2 the grocery bills, and 2/3 the mortgage
- he works a lot of hours to do the above
- lately you have been having more free time (cos of not enough work I assume)
- you are resentful that he doesn't spend more time with you.
Well this is my take. No I don't think it's right of you to be resenting him not spending more time with you. He has to work so much because you're not contributing equally to your joint financial welfare as a couple because of the kind of job you have. But someone has to pay the bills. right now he's bearing the majority of the responsibility for the roof over your head. And on top of that you want him to spend more time with you because you're feeling in need of support? Well, maybe so is he!!
So, my opinion is that no, you should not pressure him to spend more time with you. instead you should ask him what YOU can do to help HIM and you should be supporting him, even if it means leaving him alone because he's tired and needs to rest or unwind in his own way. The last thing he needs, after working double shift, is to have his partner complaining that he doesn't spend enough time with her.
If he wants to take time off to spend with you and chooses to of his own accord then that's great. If he doesn't want to, then you shouldn't insist or pressure him. He's already working extra to pay for you, so this relationship is not one of equal partners because you are not pulling your fair share. if there were other joint responsibilities you two have as a couple which you are taking full responsibility for (such as if you have kids together and you're the main caregiver) then it would be more equal.
I know it's tough being out of work and with a job that's 100% commission that's a difficult job. But it still doesn't change the fact that the relationship isn't equal because you are depending too much on him.
I think you should try to find something productive to do with your extra time that will be beneficial for your mental health and help you feel better without relying on him. He doesn't need to have yet more responsibility to you, at the moment.
For example, how about spending time with friends and family (those who have more free time than your bf). Do some volunteering work to give back to your community and help those less fortunate, that's always time well spent. or spend time investing in your career by improving your professional skills. Or spend time on home improvement projects that both you and him will benefit from.
Are you missing out on your life together? Well someone has to pay the bills otherwise life will become much much more difficult than now! if the time that he does spend with you is quality time, and if you find fulfilling activities to do when he's busy, then I don't think there should be any reason that you are missing out on your life together.
My parents worked two jobs each when my siblings and I were kids. They hardly saw each other because they had to tag-team one of them looking after us kids while the other was working or sleeping to rest before going back to work, then vice versa. They've been married 45 years now, enjoy a much more leisurely lifestyle going on vacations a lot, and of course things have become much easier since then! That was just a temporary situation in the grand scheme of things, and it was necessary because bills need to be paid otherwise there can be no "life together" to speak of.
If you want your situation to be only temporary, then you should do something to start paying a larger and more equal share of the bills so that he doesn't have to work as much. Get a different job (one that is not 100% commission), or pick up a second job, or start your own business.
otherwise it's not fair to him to expect him to pay for you, and then resent him for spending all that time at work, to pay for you. Resentment eats away at your relationship, not time apart per se. And this view also doesn't help YOU either because you remain stuck in thinking that it's his job to take care of you - both emotionally and financially. This makes your relationship feel unequal which makes you feel even worse about yourself.
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