A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im having major trouble from my exhusbands 6th (and current) wife. My child tells me that everytime my child visits, its a none stop picking and fighting with my ex and his wife. My child feels uncomfortable being there. Well thro out their marriage she has called me names and during drop offs and pickups, she stands outside looking like she is ready to fight. Now I have blown this off in the past. My relationship with my ex has not at all been a good one until this past month. We are actually communicating and compromising about things. Since we started to get along, his wife has gotten meaner to the extent of pointing the bad finger to me in front of a 5-9 (protecting identity) and calling the place we live at " the 5 th circle of hell". Now why is she doing this in front of my child? I didn't do nothing to her at all. She is the one who had an affair with my ex that's why he filed for divorce. They even had a child while they were first dating 25+ years ago but my ex signed over custody. I don't know why she is acting lime a child.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 January 2012):
 I believe your child is becoming distressed and is telling you the truth. To help confirm this for your husband then consider a very low key approach by allowing your child to talk to a child psychologist a couple of times. They will gently ask some questions and allow the child to speak (often with the parent in the waiting room).
And they are trained to gain trust and get to the truth.
This happened to me as a child. I was becoming increasingly upset as a child and was my parents fighting that did it. Because i was getting distressed (though I thought I hid it well and I certainly did not reveal the truth, out of misplaced loyalty for parents, when questioned by the doctor in front of my Mom)
So the Dr insisted I see his 'friend' as he put it to me.
So off I went with my Mom, who attempted to bad mouth me on and on in front of the child psychologist. But then the guy asked my Mom to wait outside.
So of course with the child psychologist I thought I did a really good job of hiding the family woes.
Then I had to wait outside while he saw my Mom alone. Then she came out looking very huffy.
Next thing was about a week later I was put on a plane to go interstate to see some people who I really liked but had not seen for a long time.
No one told me why I was being given this rare treat.
But gee, I was not going to pass up the adventure.
Years later I was able to piece together what happened. I found a letter from the hosts that just happened to be in a box Of things my Mom told me to clean up and throw out what was trash and keep anything important. There in the box was a reply from the people I had been sent to stay with (see below). And in the letter it was clear they were praising me and saying nice things. And refuting what must have been said to them in a letter my Mom apparently had sent them - clearly bad mouthing me prior to my arrival.
And it was from this letter that I learned what the child psychologist had said should happen (see below)
So the child psychologist had given his solution. (brilliant guy) and said there was nothing wrong with me that a good break from my family was his prescribed cure.
His instructions were that I be flown interstate to stay for 3 weeks (with no contact whatsoever with my family) with particular calm nice good people (who, yes I did know well, and did love and yes they were kind) and in that three weeks they were to monitor how many times i exhibited the defined examples of anxiety that were occurring daily, many times, at home.
And this three weeks demonstrated to me that it was my parents continual fighting that upset me.
Because in that three weeks away not once did the symptoms of anxiety ever manifest.
I came back from that three weeks knowing that it was my family's fighting that was toxic in my life, and that I, who hated the fighting, was the 'normal' one, no matter what my Mom said.
the time away from the fighting for three weeks showed me that there were better nicer ways to live and behave.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): Oh and in regards to the 'clingy' or 2-3 days to adjust. Its a norm of children of divorce and doesn't necessarily indicate its THEM. Its the displacement and not feeling a solid HOME that has Child acting in such a manner. So Child probably will need time, maturity, and as much love, co operation, and less the spirit of contention to adapt to Childs new life.
*sighs*
Please get Child counselling ASAP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): Put child in counselling. Get child the coping tools.
Its unfortunate that Ex cannot see or hear what is making your child hurt. Even though I uphold that a Relationship/Marriage has to come before children- does not infer abuse is acceptable.
Child is innocent in all of this. I would tell Ex, listen, I am not on a Witch hunt and I am not about to want or take you back and I am no threat to your Current Wife/GF. You know this. I know this. She does not.
What I am concerned about is that how she does speak of me, hateful and hurtful, does in fact hurt our child as children identify themselves through their parents- thats you and I, and if anyone speaks ill of the parents, the child hears it is the same of them.
Our child is aware your Wife/GF hates me and now is associating she also hates child. So out of wisdom and love and duty to our child, do your best to sheild our child from such ugliness. Its horrid enough our Child had to suffer the consequences of our decision of divorce, and most likely feels overwhelmed, hurt, displaced, angry, and confused by it all but our Child doesnt need such behaviour around child. Sound fair?
Thats all I can do is ask and hope you hear and understand and redouble efforts to see to the care of our Child.
Thanks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have just talked to my ex and he says it doesn't happen and that I am crazy. I trust what my child tells me. It takes 2 to 3 days to get my child back into his/her routine cuz my child is so clingy to me. This has been going on for 3 years already.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2012):
 Talk to your Ex and tell him how the "new" wife makes you child feel. I would tell him flat out that I have no intentions of letting my child be verbally abused by anyone, least of all his wife.
You need to talk to him calmly, this needs to be nipped in the bud.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 January 2012):
it sounds like your ex has already met wife number seven and his current wife knows it. Yes she does sound a nightmare, crass and rude. And maybe she has worked out what it is that annoys her about her husband.
I doubt that wife number six will be around much longer. Your ex proably appreciates your calm deameanor and your unwillingness to return fire. Try to keep your ex on side - purely to ensure that your ex will continue to enjoy time with the child he fathered.
I also think this 6th wife is so jealous that she begrudges any time being spent with her step child because she wants her own child to get all the available attention and more from your ex.
This woman does not sound like a woman I would be comfortable leaving any child with.
It is smart on your part to not try to make an acceptable situation even worse by refraining from adding anything that might trigger this nasty woman to become even more offensive.
Tallk to your ex and make the point that whatever ever is going on between your ex and his wife should never spill over to affect your child.
Ask him for support to curb his wife's aggression. Because her fighting in front of your shared child is ABUSIVE and therefore frightening and confusing for a child. It is completely unacceptable that she cannot control her nastiness for the short time your child visits the child's father.
If he cannot curb his wife then discuss alternative activities that allow him to see his child regularly but exclude his 6th wife from the interactions.
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