A
female
age
36-40,
*syence
writes:ok, i was wondering if anyone could help me ...Basically, around three months ago i met this guy, and we hit it off immediately. we dated for about 3 weeks, and then it all ended because he told me that he knew he didn't want anything more, and he didn't want to continue it and end up hurting me more. in this time we'd slept together [a lot], gone on a lot of dates, been public about the fact that we were 'together' and had pretty much appeared to be an item. Anyway, about a week later we started having casual sex, as friends as benefits i guess. we've been doing this ever since, with one stop in the middle when i stopped it because he didn't seem to be that interested. After that, it started again and he told me that it wasn't that he wasn't interested, just that he felt guilty whenever we had sex. suffice to say that he doesn't act or feel guilty anymore though, he seems perfectly happy about it now. but my problem is that i don't know what we are. i guess i want to be able to have a label to stick on us, because i know i'm falling in love with him and would love it if he turned around and told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. we still go to dinner together and to the movies and on shopping trips and everything. he's cooked me dinner, we see each other about 3 - 4 days a week, we snuggle, and he's bought me little presents that he surprises me with every now and then, but still he won't commit [we talk openly about it, which he says he is perfectly happy to do] so, what's your opinion? are we in a relationship, just without the label? and also, is it worth waiting around for him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Psyence +, writes (14 July 2008):
Psyence is verified as being by the original poster of the question i broke it off with him today. thank you everyone for your help 3 let's hope there's someone who isn't going to mess me about around the corner this time.
A
female
reader, talker  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 He slept with his ex? Whoa.
Well I would say if you know the answer then move on like Smile says. You don't need to be second string to anyone. I would say cut the sex out. Even if he says he "thinks" about asking you out...it's best to leave the sex out because it complicates things enough. And obviously, as you've learned, sex does not equal a relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Sorry girl; I know you must be hurting, but yes, I am sure you now have the answer; now you know why you did not get the "label"; But don't let him mess you around any more; you deserve better then this guy;
Don't waste any more time on him; he used you; now get out there, find somebody that will love you, value you and be happy and proud to call you his girlfriend;
Come on; You DESERVE the best.
Lift your head high, big SMile; and start dating!
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Psyence +, writes (10 July 2008):
Psyence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok ... so, i talked to him on monday and found out that last month he slept with he ex ...
he also said that he does 'think' about asking me out.
*sighs*
i think i know the answer T_T
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): If he's willing to show his affection for you in public and he's not messing with any other girls, then he's a decent guy who is just scared of the "label."If he's keeping his affections for you a secret and he's messing with other girls, then you're being used as a sex toy.
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A
female
reader, talker +, writes (4 July 2008):
There is nothing wrong about asking for the label. Plus, it's really unfair to you...whatever happened in a previous relationship has nothing to do with you.If he's confused and doesn't know what to do. Then you really need to take the advice of someone who said to leave him alone. Trust me, I've been there, in the end it works out for the best. Besides, he has to come to the conclusion that he wants to be with you on his own.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 I agree with the girls.
I would be very interested in having the "label". His telling everyone that you're his girlfriend would give you grounds to demand preferential treatment, namely not dating anyone else and perhaps taking the relationship further. My first impression in reading your post is that this is precisely what he would like to avoid.
But, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Very often, I have read about people who are afraid of getting hurt again. I understand those reasons. However, I just can't see how not giving you the girlfriend "label" would protect this man from getting hurt. It is the depth of your attachment to another person that makes you give up your defenses and put yourself in a situation where you can get hurt. The "label" doesn't protect you from that. You can get hurt in a marriage, or in a casual relationship, or in any sort of interaction with someone else. I suggest you tell him this much. If not wanting to get hurt again is really his problem, he might see the light.
Also, think about yourself. Don't have anymore sex until the situation is clear.
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Psyence +, writes (4 July 2008):
Psyence is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'll be seeing him on monday, so i will definitely talk to him about it. thanks a lot!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Thanks for the feedback;
I honestly suggest you have that talk;
if you are not dating exclusively, don't allow any sex; then just keep it dating, no matter how difficult;
I can understand that he might be a little scared after being messed around by his ex;
BUT
don't allow him to now mess you around;
Because in a very discreet way he is doing it; he is messing around with your emotions and is having all the benefits of a relationship;
He has to deal with his unresolved issues regarding his ex; then he might be able to commit to a relationship;
I suggest; maybe you in a very nice way suggest "therapy/counselling" to him; maybe he can see somebody to help him deal with it;
Value yourself enough not to share him with other girls; DON't;
PLEASE DO TALK about it.
Best of luck; Keep us posted
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Girlfriend, LEAVE HIM ALONE. He is free to be with whoever he wants. If your in love with him then its going to hurt worse when he does. That line "ive been hurt before" is a crock of crap. believe me Ive benn there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): hunny he wants his cake and eat it too. since there is no label he wants to be able to do who and whatever he wants. dont give your "lovin" to him anymore make him work for it..
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A
female
reader, Psyence +, writes (4 July 2008):
Psyence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey Smiles, thanks for your answer 3
i've never talked to him about other girls, because i only just started to worry about it, to be honest.
the reason he doesn't want to commit is because his ex-girlfriend messed him around royally, and he is afraid of being hurt again [ he has actually said it in pretty much those words before ]. he also says that he doesn't know when he'll commit, just that right now he doesn't want to.
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A
female
reader, MissAgonyAuntx +, writes (4 July 2008):
 Well I have to say you need to talk about how you both feel tell him how you are feeling. It sounds like he does like you but he is scared of comittment. What I will say though is if he really does not want a proper relationship with you then you need to think about you. Otherwise you are going to get hurt if you are falling in love with this guy I suppose what I am saying is if you wait around for him mean while falling more and more in love with him. Then he decides he does not want to be with you how is this going to affect you?. Talk to him and find out where you both are good luck X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Vow, you are on DANGEROUS ground; you are emotionally and sexually involved with this guy; he spoils you and seems to be nice when you are toghether, BUT is he also dating other girls?
It really troubles me that this guy does not want to commit to you and a relationship; when you talk about it; what does he say; what is troubling him?
I suggest you ask him questions and try and get more perspective from his answers; Have you asked him about other girls? Have you asked him what is important to him in a relationship; when will he commit to a relationship?
Depending on the answers you get; I truly think you must be very carefull;
I would hate for you to end up feeling USED; they way things are going, by the sounds of it, you are allowing this to happen; I DON'T want you to end up having remorse and a BROKEN HEART;
If he is still enjoying playing the field; but get sex and all the rest from you; NO NO, then you have to stop, NOW.
Have that talk; get those answers and then take it from there; BUt don't hang around like this!
You deserve better and more; I wish for you a relationship with a guy that will not want to share you with anybody else; that will be committed to you and give you all the love, affection and attention you deserve; somebody that will proudly be your BOYFRIEND.
Be strong; Keep smiling; have the talk!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Your in a relationship with him, he is your friend, you go out together, you care about one another and you sometimes have sex.
You are not however in a romantic relationship with him. He is not your boyfriend. He could have sex with somebody else right in front of your eyes and you would have no reason to complain. He owes you nothing, he has no responsibility for you or your happiness except as a friend who cares. I don't think he will ever become your boyfriend because he has been in a relationship with you before and he still walked away. He likes you as a friend, he enjoys the company and the sex. But as soon as a girl he likes comes arround he will ask her for a date and he won't be able to sleep with you any more.
Your in love with him, I sorry, I know this must hurt. You must stop sleeping with him, it'll be worse when he meets somebody new and can no longer spend so much time with you. Please stop sleeping with him, he thinks your alright been his "Sex Buddy Friend".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): If the two of you are able to talk about things openly, then you really need to speak to him about how you're feeling. If you have and he has said that he doesn't want a relationship, then you have to take his word for it. Don't think it's any more than that because that's a mistake a lot of us do. After that you have to decide whether or not you want to proceed with this sexual relationship. I know you are wondering, then why does he do all these sweet, "relationship" type things if he doesn't want a relationship...the answer is that he doesn't want to be a bad guy and so he does these things to make himself and you feel better about the situation. Then it's just even, you have sex, he treats you right, and no one gets hurt. The truth is that you are in deep and you really need to stop the sexual relationship if you want more because you'll end up being extremely hurt.
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