A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I think he started flirting with me again. I am married and developed a flirtation/friendship with a single guy who happened to be my daughter's teacher last year. We moved to the next level and had sex a few times throughout the summer. He broke down and told me how he had "fallen" in love with me. Mt marriage has been in turmoil for the last few years because of emotional abuse so I was in a very low place and enjoyed the attention of this handsome crush. When I agreed to have sex I told him it had to be no strings attached-- which it was for me at first, but he apparently had feelings that were deeper. I feel bad because I convinced him we could have this fling without emotional attachment. When people began suspecting, we had to stop--it was sudden and we never talked about our feelings or what we did. I feel like there was no closure because it really just stopped but didn't end. So I continue to see him at events and we text every once in a while but never mentioning us or what happened. Usually I initiate the text, and he responds .. lately though he has been responding with cute flirtatious responses like when we were chatting about who we resembled and he said I am one of a kind followed by a smile. When I see him he lights up and makes fun smart remarks ..almost teasingly like he used to. I didn't want it to end, and not sure if he did-but it had to. I want it back. It has been 6 months and still thinking of him constantly. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I can't work on my marriage knowing this may be looming in the background. This affair was completely something I never saw myself doing--not really in my nature but I think I fell for him even though I pretended not to. Is he moving in that direction again or is he completely over it? I don't want to pursue anything and look foolish or desperate if he is not into me anymore.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Actually, we've probably been a little hard on you, harder than we usually are. But it seems like you are drifting into an affair, and them things usually end up nasty and sticky. Far more better to look at your situation first, check your options and then make a decision about what suits you best. You said the affair fizzled out because people started suspecting. If you two start flirting and meeting again, then people aren't stupid, they'll notice again and then the gossip and the finger pointing will start.
Your only going on emotion and lust at the moment, we are harsh because we want you to start thinking with your head.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Female Anonymous,
Its Mrs.Anon here.You have taken up her side.Let me tell you something.Do you think other married women don't have temptations.I can be modest and say I look fine.Other people have said I am downright sexy.I was tempted and had an emotional affair.Only once.It killed me inside.I couldn't eat.I couldn't sleep.I was a mess.My husband grew up with in an abusive household.So he thought abuse was fine.He was probably sexually abused as a child too.He was bitter all the time.I went to him and said,"I can't live like this.The emotional affair has killed me because I love you in spite of who you are.The sexual tone that I had with the other guy makes me feel dirty.Its your choice what you want to do.I am tired of living like this."It was a wake up call for both of us.The other guy has tried to contact me so many times.I don't even bother.We went to couple counseling.I stopped being a door mat to my husband.I stood up for myself.Our marriage today is stronger than ever.The experience has made me stronger as a person.I stood by my husband during his therapy as basically I loved him.I think the underlying love saved our marriage.Without that a marriage has no chance of surviving.
Not once has my husband thrown this in my face.Yes it must have hurt him.I am not proud of myself.I am ashamed.I would never ever do it again .There is no remorse in the OP's post.There is no thinking about husband as there's no love.She still wants to continue her affair.I have no rights to judge her.Haven't been perfect either.I was thinking about her husband.He deserves to know it.Q was absolutely right.I am much younger than Q.I think he was trying to make me understand that me asking her to come clean with her husband is not going to work.She is warped in her own world that she cannot see anyone else except her.All of us get tempted.Some of us have enough sense to pull back.
OP Its never too late to become a better human being. ~Mrs.Anon
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 February 2010):
The idea that staying together because of the kids is always the best way is very foolish. Children get damaged in bad marriages, they pick up things easily. An unhappy mother who sleeps around, a father who doles out emotional abuse, children learn about marriages from their parents, and they begin to think that this is what marriage is.
Sometimes it's better to divorce, find a loving partner and get married again. Or live alone and date. In this situation children learn much more healthier ways of relating to people. In a house filled with tears and hate, the last thing the kids feel is safe, and often they are silently begging their parents to get divorced. Children know when their parents are not happy, and they suffer a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): dear q1605-- you are very bitter. What has happened to you that has made you this way? Wow! I thought the writer had a few issues, but you are heartless. If it really were all about her she would leave her husband and children and do what she wants--which sounds like to be with this other guy. The fact is marriage is not always easy and apparently hers has been quite difficult for a while.I think that if she was only considering her own wants, she wouldn't care how much divorce would hurt the children. So you fooled around and fell in love... that is a risk you take when you cheat on your spouse. At least you aren't just sleeping with everyone and anyone. It doesn't make the situation more moral, but it sheds some light into your troubled marriage. I don't think this would have happened with just anyone. You developed a friendship, emotional bond, that later turned into a physical relationship. The reality is you need to make a choice-- save your marriage for everyone else but yourself, or do what your heart is telling you to do and end it to see where this other man leads you--it may be nowhere so you might want to understand that before you make a move. Another option is try to be selfish like so many accuse you of already and leave the marriage for YOU because you are so unhappy and be alone for a while to better understand who you can become.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): OP I just noticed that you haven't mentioned a single word about your husband.When you don't love husband its better not to stay on in the marriage.Its never too late to become a better human being.Be honest with your husband.Tell him what you have done.He deserves to know about your affair.Honesty is never easy.Its not just to relieve your guilt.Its to take into account the feelings of another human being.He deserves to make the choice of whether he wants to be with you or not.What if your husband was the one to have affairs with young single sexy women who send flirtatious texts?How would that make you feel?Its time to come clean with yourself first and then your husband. ~Mrs.Anon
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 February 2010):
 If you're miserable in your marriage, either fix it or get out of it. It sounds like you're already mentally separated from your husband, so why are you hanging on to the marriage? Complacency, laziness, fear of the unknown, finances, what?
If you are single and available, you can proceed with dating new men with a clear conscience. Again, the situation you are in is of your own devising. You have made the choices that have put you there. I'm asking, if your marriage is so crummy, why are you still in it?
If you were officially single, then you could pursue this new man with no one tsking you and your feelings for each other could be reciprocated without this background feeling that you're doing something wrong.
Unless it is the illicit nature of the the affair that was part of its allure. In which case, you are indeed addicted to the drama.
Do you think you are a grown up? If you think so, start to reason and act like one. Right now, you do sound like a lovestruck teenager.
So for the first time in your life, do what you want, and divorce your husband. Have a wild passionate fling with a man who wants you back; perhaps it will grow into a stable, long-lasting relationship, perhaps it will go down in flames. But either way, you can be the one in charge of your destiny, instead of feebly flapping your arms and saying it was out of your control. It wasn't. Sorry.
I do wish you well on your journey to maturity.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
"If you want him, divorce your husband."
I think we missed a bit. Why are still with your husband?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Not the type to have an affair but suggested no strings lol. You sound very much like a recent ex of mine,who had the same outlook as you. Like i said,she is now my ex. Why are you still with your husband if things are so bad? Must be something in it for you. You sound extremely self centred and incapable of undertanding any of anyones feelings. You definately look after number one and i admire your ignorance.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 February 2010):
If you want him, divorce your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): I am the writer and no, I guess I wasn't clear. I have developed feelings for the other man or I would not have let what happened happen. It was not a cheap hotel room romp, so please refrain from such comments. I do feel horribly for having him put aside his morality because he struggled with it tremendously although he was the one to initiate physical contact. I just made him realize we could go past a kiss. I don't want a life like I have had I want him. We were friends first for over a year talking all the time. There was an emotional bond- it wasn't just about sex (I tried to make myself and him believe it was, but it was never just sex). Selfish-- maybe. For the first time in my life I did what I wanted is that such a bad thing? The problem is I think I fooled around and fell in love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): the simplest solution to all this drama is this: why doesn't the OP ask her husband whether he would mind if your daughter teachers semen runs down your legs while you are playing faithful wife to him.
you want to f*ck around and still be married........greedy woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): "The problem is trying to get to the point of being together without tearing down two families, living a lie, and coping with the stigma and gossip that goes along with it..."
Then don't.
It is actually that simple.
I'm glad you realise that something needs to give. I hope yuo manage to sort it soon. You are actually doing something about it. I hope it is soon. OP is NOT saying she wants to do anything wiith her marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): I keep saying this... but here it is again.
If you are married and you are having an affair the first thing you lose is the right to ask questions as if its normal. It is not.
Its like murdering someone... you can't do it and then go around asking people about how you feel and all that.
The morality of it is overwhelming and there is no way to ignore it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
Reader anonymous, every situation is different. I hear you pain, and can feel the depth of your confusion and love. This situation seems different. Sex is the main thing that is mentioned, there doesn't seem much love on this ladies part. She's had a bad time with her husband, she has a no strings affair. She drops him when she's found out, even though he has developed feelings and she is unhappy and doesn't want to repair her marriage. Now things have calmed down and she sees her chance, she's wondering if she can have sex with the guy again. Nobody else seems to have feelings in her story, she's only concentrating on what's best for her and what she wants.
Your situation sounds very, very different.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2010):
I'm sorry, it's a bit of a peculiar question. You don't want to look foolish or desperate to a man you've already slept with? One you had to talk into having a fling? But then you developed feelings for him, despite promising there would be 'no strings attached'?
I'm sure you already seemed desperate to this guy and as far as foolish goes, there's not a whole lot of dignity in most sexual positions, so you've pretty well laid it all out there for him any way.
What is it you want from us? We cannot read his mind, we can only guess. So if we say, 'yes, go ahead' and it turns out we were wrong and he had totally gone off you--you will look foolish and desperate, but only in his eyes, as no one else is supposed to know. So what of it, so what if he thinks you are foolish and desperate? Your dignity was long gone with him anyway, right?
Your marriage is what you should be working on; this whole affair thing is nothing but high school drama.
So if you think you're protecting your dignity, I hate to clue you in: you are not. Every time you text this guy, you are revealing yourself to be into him, despite what you think. Your subtext is screaming louder than the text--trust me.
You're the one with everything to lose. So why is it you'd want to risk it on a NSA fling thing that's been over for a while? If your marriage is unhappy, work on it. This guy is a symptom, not the cause, nor is he a solution.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): I can say that I also have found myself in a similar situation, but the difference is that we both are married w/ kids. It is easy to sit back & judge when you haven't walked in these shoes. Yes, something is inherently wrong with my/your marriage if we find ourselves falling for another. Those that pass judgment aren't living in the real world...no this is not an excuse. If you were in the real world, you would realize that sadly this happens in 50% of marriages, so that means you or someone close to you will find themselves dealing with this issue at some point in life. It doesn't make it right, it just is what it is. There are a lot of deeper, emotional, and psychological issues involved. That is why judgment should be reserved. No one knows your past or your experiences that have brought you to where you are today or what shaped who you are. History plays a large part in why we do what we do. I wish I could offer better advice. In my situation, it is not attention or sex. I actually have fallen in love and so has he. The problem is trying to get to the point of being together without tearing down two families, living a lie, and coping with the stigma and gossip that goes along with it (especially living in a small town). Sadly, I feel like this is the love of my life. I got married young, let a man control me and changed myself to be with him. It has been 5+ years of sheer unhappiness. If I wanted to "cheat" earlier on, I could have but would not have done it just for sex or attention. I fell for someone that has been my best friend for 3+ years. There was a bond, friendship, and understanding before anything happened. Now you/I are at a crossroads. I guess this is when reality comes into play. What are you willing to sacrifice to be with this person? Is it worth it and can you live with consequences? Is it true love or not? These are all questions that have to be answered. I don't know the answers but realize it either has to end, I have to continue to move forward with my divorce, or we have to commit to be together. They all involve risk. Continuing to see each other without a definite plan to be together just adds to the pain. You cannot move forward together nor can you move forward with your marriage or the "uncoupling" of your marriage. I know how hard it is to let go but also realize that at some point something has to give.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
mmmm... your assessment is fair Q, I kinda pictured it that way meself.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 February 2010):
It's not whether he's interested. This now comes down to a choice you need to make. Because at some point, you are going to be found out either by your husband or even worse, your daughter. You need to decide whether you want to work on your marriage, in which case you need to end all contact with this other guy, or you need to leave your husband and take a chance with this other guy. The problem is of course that this other guy may just be using you for sex because you're unhappily married and enjoy the attention. You need to make a decision, because if you're found having the affair, your husband will be able to make you look like the bad one, and your daughter will get to hear about it all the time. At least if you've divorced it won't be so bad. Make a serious decision.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
Sounds like he's interested... Dive right in, go on, break this man's heart, and use him for your sexual pleasure. Doesn't matter that he may love you with all his heart, and he may be suffering. Your a big woman, your desires come first. Your unhappy, the other guy loves you, why not use his body, and hurt his heart. Just be careful, someone might find out and tell your husband. That's all you have to worry about, you are lucky, you don't need to consider anyone's feelings but your own.
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