A
female
age
36-40,
kirra07
writes:So I just wanted to say something about some of the myths and sayings about love and relationships that we hear all the time. Things like: - you'll know it when you feel it- when it's right, it's easy- you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince- you don't find love, it finds you, when you least expect itI'm not saying that some of the things people say about love might not be true in some cases. But really, it seems to distort love and confuse more than it actually helps.I think we're getting a distorted sense of what love is, so when we actually go into relationships, we don't really know what we're feeling. I read a book recently, "All about love", and I agree with what the author says. Love is an action, not a feeling. And it's a choice that we make to love someone. We don't magically fall in love, and become overwhelmed with our feelings for someone. And love doesn't have to be easy, even when it is right. I also think that we might be giving up on love and our commitments too easily in many cases, and in other cases staying in bad and abusive relationships for "love" when we shouldn't. If someone abuses us and hurt us, but then tell us they love us and couldn't help it, it's not true. Not if love is an action. Not if love is actually supporting someone and helping them grow and develop.And in those cases when we just give up on love so easily, I think it's a shame. Sometimes the feelings of "love" that are present in the beginning fade away or disappear or change, and we think we aren't in love anymore, so we break it off to find someone new. When it's possible that the relationship just needed us to make the choice to put some extra care and effort into it. Sometimes I think we might be going through relationships and discarding them in search of something that doesn't exist, that magical and easy love that we might see in movies or books. But don't forget, in movies, they don't go past the happy romantic moment. Boy kisses girl, they are in love, and that is the end. What happens after is up to us to maintain. Anyways, just some thoughts that I wanted to share. Reply to this Article
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reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (9 June 2011):
good and thought-provoking article.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Interesting perspective, not sure I agree entirely, but then again I haven't read the book.
Here's what I think about those sayings:
- "You'll know it when you feel it..." I actually agree with this one, the only thing that varies is how long it takes each individual person to "feel it". Someone who's been through a toxic relationship will generally take longer to "feel it" than say an idealistic teen who's never had a relationship before and trusts easily.
- "When its right, its easy"... should really be- "when its right, you're both consistently happy".
- "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince"... True, but if you're kissing too many frogs then you should probably stop looking for princes in swamps.
- "You don't find love, it finds you when you least expect it"... Should really be "It's easier for somebody else to love you when you first learn to love yourself". When you go looking for love, you can come across as desperate or clingy... which screams "I'm not happy by myself, so I'm prepared to lower my personal standards, narcicists, sleazebags and dirt-ball's welcome".
I'm interested in reading this book, not because I think the author is right, but because I'm not sure you've been able to explain a whole book in a few hundred words. As it stands, saying that love is a choice is like saying that being sad at a funeral is a choice, or being angry at someone who has wronged you is a choice. You don't have to look far on this site to find posts from people who are in love with someone- but they don't want to be, they want to not be in love with somebody, but can't. In love with an ex, a cousin, a best friend, a teacher, a married or unavailable person... the list goes on...
Maybe the author has confused commitment with love. Commitment is definitely a choice. You can choose to commit yourself to a person, but if you don't love them, you don't love them and being self-aware that you don't love somebody can spell the end for any future relationship with that person. Is the author suggesting that we should simply plow through the periods of time when we feel that we aren't in love with somebody anymore and simply choose to stick it out with them in the hope that the love will return with time and effort? I doubt the author is, but if they are- it sounds like a recipe for misery to me.
I do agree that many people have a distorted sense of what love really is, but in saying that, to "distort" implies that there was an original, universally "right" design and having an ill-shapen/contorted/warped/malformed/twisted/misinterpreted alternative is inferior and therefore un-desirable. So what is the universally "right way" to love? Fact is that there isn't one. Try typing in "definition of love" into google and you'll find a million different answers- none necessarily wrong, just slanted in different directions... or if you prefer, variations and distortions.
Not everybody is after the same type of love. Some want unbridled passion, others an unspoken connection, chemistry, sexual attraction, complete trustworthiness in another, unquestionable acceptance, affection, companionship, romance and courting, support for their individual lives... Really, there are a million different types of love, a million different reasons people seek out love, a million different reasons why people fall in love and a million different reasons why people stay in love.
It's a very individual thing as we all want different things and even if we find someone who wants the same things, we still individually prioritize different desirable qualities we want in a mate depending on how important we regard those qualities to be. The chances of finding someone with all the same qualities and priorities as ourselves is incredibly slim... and even then... there's no guarantee there will be chemistry, attraction or even the right circumstances for love, (past emotional baggage, skeletons in the closet, age, married/already dating, religiously/culturally different).
"Love" offers the chance that one could fall in love with just about anybody- no matter how unlikely, similar or different they may, crossing boundaries- social, biological, cultural, geographical. It enables people to overlook flaws and barriers because the chances of finding our ideal mate (in our minds) is almost impossible. They may be so far from who we envisioned to fall in love with- yet we can still be absolutely smitten with them. It's beautiful, its unpredictable, irrational, ineffable, intangible and indefinable. I wouldn't have it any other way personally.
It's a razor-sharp double edged sword in that regard though... Being able to overlook flaws in people, cause irrationality and cross all boundaries has serious down-sides. Toxic, abusive, illegal, taboo, incompatible, unhealthy relationships are always going to exist as a result. They'll also go on for way longer than they should. (If all your friends & family are telling you to break up with your partner and you know they care about your well-being- yet you insist that they don't understand ... who's most likely to be thinking rationally??)
Love is raw emotion, you can't have the beauty of it without the bitterness... It's not an action... its not a choice.
Meh... enough dribbling from me. I'll be damned if I'm gonna proof-read what I read so my apologies if I got off topic. Think I'm just in a bit of a schmaltzy mood.
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