A
female
age
36-40,
*hristinal
writes:I am a 27 year old virgin who has never had a boyfriend before. I am starting to get scared especially as I'm heading towards my 30s and I'm still single and never been in a relationship before. I have been out on dates. I went out on many dates last year but none of them seemed that serious in me. I do get alot of attention and I do attract guys and get asked out. I feel like guys only see me as a piece of ass or just for sex and never think of me as a serious partner.... This is only because whenever I say no to guys regarding sex they walk away.... so it makes me think they are only after me for sex?? I don't know what I'm doing wrong??
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 March 2015):
 Im thinking, if the guys that approach you are only looking for sex (which they are, if they always go away after you say no to sex), then what you're doing wrong is to NOT APPROACH MEN YOURSELF. It appears, if you sit and wait for guys to make the move, you end up with the sleaze-bags. If you want mr Good Guy, you have to fetch him yourself. I know that as women gain experience with men, and figure out what they want and don't want in a guy, they become more active in scouting for the exact type of man they want. The women who have the man who is perfect for them, have him because they actively went out and looked for him.
Another thing is, when women become more experienced with men and relationship, they can see quickly who is boyfriend material and who is not. The good guys are NEVER single. They have women circling around them to pick them up the moment they become single, and unless the guy is picky in who he dates (just like you should be a bit picky too and not just take the first and best) then he will be swept off the market quickly. So it's your job to keep your eyes open for the good guys, learn to recognize one when you see one, and learn to make your moves on him. It's not all up to the guy (even though they might believe they're doing all the work...)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2015):
 Well, no, it's not that all men are JUST after sex.
It's that most men ( and women ) will have different moral values from yours and even the ones with the best intentions will see sex like a normal, relevant, integrant part of a relationship, that, at some point, just fits in naturally and comfortably into any relationship.
Not that there's anything wrong in having different values . You are entitled to whatever sexual conduct you prefer, and if religious scruples or whatever other reasons made you exclude sex from your life so far, you did well in sticking to your views and principles. But you can't expect all men to share them or embrace them. Particularly at a stage when they are not in love or emotionally involved yet.
What I am saying is, it's your right to want to wait until marriage , or until one year of dating, etc. But , realize taht many men would not have the patience to wait that long- not even knowing or FEELING yet that you are worth the wait. I feel it would be wrong to lump them all under " users " or " predators " just because they have a less sacral , more light-hearted view if sex. It's just different cultural and moral values and you are correct in stating yours right away, which eliminates many misunderstandings.
At rhe same time it is also true, alas, that an instant gratification mentality is getting more and more popular, the easier it is to get "recreational" sex, and now it is SO easy. They even invented apps for just that. Therefore, who is not willing to invest much time in pursuing, or does not think that waiting makes things more erotic :)... they'll just go : NEXT !
But for you that's a blessing in disguise, it weeds authomatically out people you would not be compatible with anyway , because they feel too differently from you.
Birds of a feather flock together and I suppose that if you want a guy who would not mind at all waiting years, or until marriage, you should seek them among those who share your same Christian principles and education.
Otherwise it's a bit like a Muslim guy seeking a Christian girl... who will not eat pork ,though. Sure, there may be some here and there, by sheer chance,because of personal tastes or allergies - but the point is, that the Christian girl does not even understand WHY she should not eat pork if she likes it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): i'm a 27 year old guy who has never had a girlfriend, always been single, a virgin. You have my empathy, but at the same time I find it surprising since whenever you hear of a person being 25+ years of age and still single, always have been, I hear more of guys in that boat than I hear girls.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 My best advice is date someone with the same values and mindset. Maybe even find someone through your church.
I don't think all men are JUST after sex.
And I don't think wanting to wait a BIT longer than 1-2 months is asking too much. You barely know the other person after a month or two. So the guys who walks when you do NOT want sex THAT soon, ARE just NOT for you.
Some people want the sex "out of the way" fast so they know whether the other person is a good match sexually, others prefer to actually GET to know the person first. There really aren't any set rules, only your OWN preferences.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2015): I think you know what you want and that is to be in a firm, promising relationship with a man who will not be with you for passing sex but want an actual relationship. Just because the men you meet want sex does not mean that they don't want the relationship. Eventually, when they do they would want a woman just like you. Meanwhile, try to meet guys in other places. I don't know where you meet them, but certain meeting venues imply certain expectations as does certain age group. If the place is about sex, like dance clubs, then that is what you will be offered. Also try an older age group, in the 30s, because these are likely to seek to settle as oppose to your age group whose mindset is to have as much sex as possible before they settle.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 February 2015):
 That makes sense, because a couple of months is usually the time in a relationship where becoming exclusive and sexually active enters the scene as a next step.
So, I take it you've been a NSBM, but now you're not sure what you are, except that you're not a casual sex person, right??
So, what *IS* the time you know you're ready to become sexual with a guy? I don't think you even know that because you've never experienced it, and as a Christian, you've been pretty much conditioned for NSBM, so you're not only up against your own fear of the unknown, but you're modifying your own values.
So you have to decide here. Are you NSBM, or aren't you? If you're a virgin but aren't NSBM any longer, then you should be upfront with a guy from the start. Tell him you've never had sex before and that you want to take it slow. But there is a fine line between taking it slow and stringing along for years. Some people in your position have kept guys waiting for 6 months, a year, even longer. If you believe no sex until engaged, be upfront.
But I think you need to figure out for yourself what your sexual values are. IF you are NSBM, then you need to find a guy like that. If you're not and want to enter the mainstream viewpoint, then a couple of months isn't unreasonable to become sexual. Telling a guy "I really want to, but it'll be my first time and I'm nervous and want to take it slow" is an honest way to handle it. However, saying "I'm not having sex until I'm sure" and leaving it open-ended isn't fair to a guy who has a mainstream view, because like I said - sexuality to a guy who has that as a part of an exclusive, monogamous relationship IS the way to connect to their girlfriend.
You sound like you're really afraid. I'm not going to tell you to go out there and have sex in 23.5 days. I will say that if you find a good guy, who is considerate, gentle, and cares about you as a person, then you'll really love sex. I know when I got married, my husband and I, who was NSBM, made up for lost time. He said to me on our honeymoon "Why did I waste so much time waiting?!" to which I responded "I asked myself that every day before we got married". heh.
You're a Christian, and I also grew up in a really conservative Christian background, complete with music and TV shows and movies we weren't allowed to watch, youth pastors telling us that even holding hands or kissing was a sin, that every time you have sex with someone, you damage yourself and destroy your future marriage, and now I wonder why in Christianity there was so much fear.
I think you need to start by figuring out what your values are. Stick with NSBM if you honestly feel that way, and if you, like me, have evolved away from the upbringing and the pressure it brings, then know that having sex doesn't shatter your brain and send hordes of demons after you like the preachers and youth pastors and purity vows and all of that stuff warned you of. Sex is liberating and awesome. The moment you lose your virginity, whether it's on your marriage night or when you choose to, you're not diminished or defiled. You won't go look in the mirror and see some scarlet letter etched into your forehead.
Learning how to hone the craft of sexual pleasure is one of the most rewarding experiences life has to offer. Instead of looking at it as something to fear like we've been conditioned to do, look at it as a doorway of opportunity. Sex, good sex, with a good person you care about, is one of the things that life and joy is all about. In time, you may consider it that you're getting a piece of HIS ass instead of the other way around.
Decide who you are and what you value sexually. The guys are leaving you after a month because you don't know what you want or when you value sex in a relationship. Being upfront is the best thing you can be, and if you don't know what you are, it's impossible to be upfront.
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A
female
reader, Christinal +, writes (23 February 2015):
Christinal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that.
To answer the question is orginally I am christian and I don't believe in sex before marriage. But over the years I realised that if I was in a long term relationship or relationship with a bf I wouldn't mind either. But I don't feel comfortable doing "it" after seeing them for a month or two... that to me is too soon and early... and unfortunatly that time frame is all that I've had before they walk away...
I understand sex is important when in a relationship but what if I'm just dating and its only been a month? I just don't feel comfortable enough to do it in that time frame...
But your right maybe I am looking in the wrong places but I don't know where else to look... most of my friends are in relationships.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 February 2015):
You never mentioned why you are a virgin. There's a distinction between one who is one because they haven't found the man they fall in love with, and one who has chosen to remain a virgin until marriage. You didn't mention which one you are.
If you are one who is the latter (virgin until marriage), then the issue could be as easy as you're looking in the wrong place for a man. You need to look for guys who share compatible sexual values with you. If you're looking in clubs, bars, or conventional online sites, then the men you meet will include becoming sexual as a natural progression of a healthy relationship. That's not the same as "looking for a piece of ass". I'll get to your comment in the next point I make, because it lets me know something about you. But before that, I'll say - if you're wanting a sexual values compatible guy, you'd need to focus more on religious singles groups or sites, or other communities (online or other places) where guys have similarly taken a stand on remaining a virgin until marriage. It's not enough to find a guy who has a mainstream sexual viewpoint, tell him "I'm not having sex until marriage", and then be surprised that his values don't match yours.
Which leads me to my second point. If you are of the FORMER view (you're a virgin because you haven't found the right guy, and it's not a virgin-until-marriage stand), your comment about a "piece of ass" is telling. I'm not saying you're this, because you haven't disclosed your sexual values here, but there are some women who use virginity as a shield or even a weapon as a way to keep guys away who aren't serious.
The problem with that is that the baby is being thrown out with the bathwater. Just because a guy wants to eventually incorporate sex into a relationship doesn't mean he's after a piece of ass. I'm not talking about the players or one-night-standers who are after a quick "hit-it-and-quit-it" type, because guys who use women for quick and easy sex ARE wanting just to get laid. I'm talking about guys who want to get to know a woman body and soul, and sexual expression is part of that relationship and designed to be good for both partners.
That's just it. Good sex isn't supposed to be a guy "getting it" from a girl. A considerate boyfriend who has feelings for a girl becomes sexual in a mutually pleasurable encounter. In fact, in really GOOD sex, one might argue that the girl is getting as much of a "piece of ass" from the guy as it is the other way around.
The reason your "piece of ass" comment says a lot about you is - you've either been taught, or you've come to the conclusion that sex is a commodity that men are trying to take from you. You attract guys. You get asked out. A date is a first step. Getting to know you is a next step. And, yes, physicality is also a next step, albeit a ways down the line. Now, if you have the NSBM value (no sex before marriage...I'm going to acronym it from now on), you disclose that early, and if the guy also has the NSBM value, it's in the open, and the relationship continues. Otherwise, the guy either has to decide whether or not your NSBM value is a dealbreaker or not.
In truth, a guy who, after finding out that you're NSBM and he isn't, decides to part ways with you is still honorable and isn't some guy out there looking for a piece of ass. In fact, he didn't try to pressure you to give up that belief. He simply has a different one...and it's no less wrong to not want to be NSBM.
So, in short, if you're NSBM, you need to look for a guy who is also, and since nowadays, it's a rare stand and less mainstream than in the 60's, you can't look for guys in mainstream places and then be surprised that most of them are not NSBM.
If you're NOT NSBM, then you need to ask yourself why you view a man's sexual advances in the course of a relationship as something to react negatively to. Many women react in that fashion either by negative male viewpoint or because of fear of the unknown. Or, they have impossible standards and consider their virginity to be their identity and they don't want to let it go.
So no, guys aren't only after sex. But sex is a great part of a relationship, regardless of whether there's a NSBM or not. Even in NSBM, sexuality plays a part, even in discussion of sexual values or in non-sexual physicality or "outercourse", depending on the definition of NSBM.
I haven't confused you yet, have I? I'm not a casual sex person either (I am married) and wasn't when I was single. My husband was a NSBM'er and I respected it, so there ARE guys out there like that. But if he wasn't, I'd have been after HIS sex to be sure! Sex is something a girl can want a lot of! It's not just something a girl gives up and a guy takes where the girl gets nothing. I *like* sex, and you might absolutely love it like crazy, better than the best massage in the world, and become an orgasm-fiend and more than any man can handle!
Those are my late night thoughts!
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