A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI've been with my bf for almost a year. We usually only see each other at weekends bbecause of work commitments on both parts but sometimes we get chance through the week, though this is not often. The trouble is, I think I'm obsessed with him. He is constantly on my mind. This isn't affecting my working life as I'm always so busy that I haven't got time to think of him then but on my way home, he pops back into my head and there he stays until I sleep. I constantly worry that he's cheating on me after a dream I had a few nights ago of him fondling another woman in front of me. I told him about this (I was looking for reassurance from him) and all he said was that he hopes that never happens! I didn't think much of it because I know he's not very good at wording things but he goes out every Friday night with his friends and the past few weeks I've found myself becoming angry at him for not texting me to tell me where he is. I'm always thinking he's met someone else. I'm pushing him away by being the way I am, I know this, but I can't seem to stop. I'm constantly craving his attention and when I don't get it I get upset and I start accusing him of not loving me, which he says isn't true. He's never been very good at showing his emotions but he says I'm the only woman he's ever really loved but I don't believe him, even though I have no reason not to.My previous relationship wasn't very good, he was always calling me to find out where I was which annoyed me and now I'm doing exactly the same to my current boyfriend. I just don't believe he cares about me as much as I care about him.Please advise me on where to go with this, I realize my behaviour is wrong and I want to stop being a control freak!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Thank you everyone for your answers.
WiseOwlE, thank you for your long and extremely helpful post. I have not yet seen a medical professional about my issues, though I am considering seeking professional help as I do suffer with anxiety for other reasons as well as my boyfriend.
I think it's more a case of an overactive imagination. We've talked about the way I behave and he's even said himself that I think of things and let them spiral out of control so he's very understanding. But you're right, in adult relationships we have to take the risk of trusting our partners.
As for my ex partner, I'm not too sure where I stand on this. We've been separated for 2 years and I didn't jump straight into a relationship with my current boyfriend. I do however, believe that because of his constant calls and texts, I got used to it and I expected my now boyfriend to be the same but because he's not, I felt like I had to do it!
WhenCowsAttack, thank you for your post. I do have my eyes wide open in this and I am fully aware of what I am doing, like the anonymous lady said, I should try to fill up my spare time with hobbies and other things so I'm not thinking about him constantly.
Thanks again everyone for your answers, I really appreciate that you've taken the time to help me, maybe I will post an update in a while to let you know how I'm getting on!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2015): Through self-fulfilling prophecy, you will sabotage your relationship; because you're letting paranoia, possessiveness, and insecurity get the better of you. I'm going to take some time to try and help here.
Have you seen a mental-health professional about possible anxiety issues? If you feel your "obsession" getting worse, you should. If it impairs your concentration, and you do start to lose control over normal thought processes. Otherwise, I think you're dramatizing a tad. Everybody thinks about their lover all day. I do too! He's also thinking of you in your absence.
It may not even be anything that serious. Maybe it's as simple as an overactive imagination; and you've grown cynical that real love is unobtainable, or nonexistent. Nowadays, people don't seem to have a lot faith in anything. It's rampant. I've felt it myself a time or two. Had to get a grip and snap myself out of it. I got dumped, and the world seemed to cave-in on me. Girlfriend, I had to fight my way back from bitterness. Cynicism overtakes you like a virus. You can let insecurity and trust-issues blight your relationship to a degree your mate wants rid of you. You definitely don't want that.
You hated when your ex-boyfriend was making you account for every move you made. Remember how that felt? Wasn't that an awful feeling? So from that experience, you know how to destroy a relationship. When it demands too much self-control; or when having adult-responsibilities requires too much of you.
News flash! It's never easy, it takes work! You have to hold it together, in order to hold the relationship together. It's not all on your boyfriend to do that.
You shouldn't have told your boyfriend about the dream. Dreams are nothing but mental-visualizations in our minds while we sleep. They sometimes contain our anxieties and whatever we're dealing with that bothers us. It is a mythical-concept that they are premonitions to any reality. They may contain bits of facts usually from past experiences. You cannot see into the future. He didn't have to have any reaction to your dream. It wasn't real. Were you expecting an apology? He was kind; and you're lucky he didn't treat you like you've lost it.
You made a commitment when you're still carrying emotional baggage leftover from your traumatic relationship with an ex. You weren't ready for a relationship when this guy came along. You needed work. More time to recover from the past.
If one relationship fails; that isn't a sign they all will!
Unless you self-sabotage them! Then they fail according to plan!
A lot of evidence in your post suggests you were looking for a man to lean on when your boyfriend came along. While you were getting over another guy; and hadn't quite healed.
He's your band-aid and painkiller for your past. Only, you're left to deal with yourself; because he's not around enough to use as a crutch. So you've set a time-bomb, and the timer is ticking away! You let him know you don't trust him. Not because of what he's done, but what he might do?!!!
Thus, you're always worried where he is and what he's doing. Wondering if he's going to cheat on you and leave. That is a risk we all take in adult-relationships. You yourself are human, and capable of cheating. He's also taking a risk. But as in the case of your ex, all your fears are imaginary.
You're punishing him over your ex! The ex is not around; so he takes the heat for it!
You need a predictable ending to your relationship. It's not that you don't believe he loves you. You wouldn't believe anybody loves you. You lost faith in love and don't really believe it is real, just a make-believe concept. You can't accept that it could happen to you. It is unfortunate how many people feel that way. Seems you share a lot of company who do. Well, you're right. It does get kind of hard to continue loving someone who doesn't believe you do.
Like I said, self-fulfilling prophecy!
Your behavior and the emotions you've expressed, is usually how we feel after a breakup. Oh, you can be this way even years after the breakup. That means you were far from ready to begin a new relationship when you did.
So you're bringing your internalized suspicions and jealousies out into the open. Is that supposed to be some sort of preventive-measure? Accusing him "just in-case" he's up to something, or might try? So you saw it in a dream, and that means it must have happened?
Seriously?!!
Well, now he knows you're insecure. Now he will feel uncomfortable and annoyed that you don't trust HIM!
You've planted the seed, now watch it grow. You'll get the same outcome as your previous relationship, if you keep it up. At least you'll know the reason why it ended. You're setting it up to fail.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (23 February 2015):
I really love the way that you wrote your letter with complete understanding and clarity as to these irrational feelings. You know exactly what they are, you know exactly why you're having them, you know they're irrational and you understand fully the many ways in which they're negatively influencing your behavior.
I'm serious. You have an unbelievably clear grasp of what's happening here. So many women experience these very same emotions, but get so swept up into them that it never even occurs to them to try to dig into the psychology of it.
So, that said, what's next? That's easy- the only thing left for you to figure out is how to stop that negative thinking from tainting your brain, and modify those behaviors. This will be much easier for you than most people, as you have eyes wide open and are ready to change.
Here's the problem: none of us can tell you how to accomplish that one final step. That has to come from you. Your brain has gotten you this far, you just need to let it take you the rest of the way. There is an answer that is right for you in there somewhere, you just need to find it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): When you're busy you don't think about what he's up to.
It might be a good idea for you to fill up your time with other activities so that you don't have time to wonder what he's up to.
Do you feel you have enough attention from him? It simply could be that you are trying to square a circle by expecting him to be more attentive than is in his nature.
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