A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and recently we've been running into a lot of problems. To begin with, we have been spending time with each other mostly every day for the past several months. While I do love spending time with her, doing so this much does come with some complications. For instance, I don't drive yet, so the only places we can go are pretty much my house or hers. Her parents are very inviting and friendly, so they don't mind having me over. We spend most of the week there, eating their food, taking up their space, and having someone drive me home (usually her parents). They claim to not mind it, but I do feel bad about this, especially because it is on a more or less daily basis, and I'm sure that it would be nice to give them a rest. My parents are much less inviting and friendly; they claim that I must be a nuisance to my girlfriend's family, and they don't support my seeing her every single day. I'm hardly ever home to help out around the house anymore, and my parents being busy would greatly appreciate my help. I have been apprehensive about telling my girlfriend that we should spend some time apart because in the past when I would tell her that my parents would like it if I came home to help out, or even that I would like to spend time doing other things, she would get upset and claim that I was choosing my family or those other things over her. I don't know how to deal with this, because my family has been here to help me and brought me up, and has taught me to choose family over anything. My girlfriend claims that she would choose me over anything, and also that she knows that I wouldn't do the same for her. I don't believe that it should be a choice; she is extremely important to me, but I can't just abandon my parents' requests after all they've done for me. I know that she is conscious of her actions and is morally just, so why is it so difficult to let me do things for my family once in a while, and then spend time with my girlfriend for the rest of the time? I would like some time to myself to see my friends, help my family, give my girlfriend's family a break, and do some things that I used to do. I'm not asking for a lot of time, just maybe two days a week. We're both in school (high school and college) and will be needing time to study and rest as well.To further complicate matters, last night my girlfriend wanted to break up with me, saying that she does not let me do (the aforementioned) things, and makes me work all the time, leaving no time for myself. She knows that I would like to do those things. I suppose I would like to do those things, but I definitely do not want to have to break up with her in order for me to be able to. She claims that she would be jealous of me not spending all my time with her, and would selfishly want me to spend time with her only. So she wants to let me go, so that I can do those things. I told her that I won't want to do those things without us being together. I want us to be able to balance our time and our life. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Wow... You're right to want to do other things as well as spend time with her. It puts unhealthy strain on a relationship if you're trying to be each others' "all". As far as helping your family with chores, you could tell her it's an obligation you have, not a choice and that you won't always have to do these things, like when you eventually move out of home then you'll just be visiting your family sometimes, but while you're living there you have to pull your own weight. And maybe slowly introduce the idea of spending healthy time apart - or at least try organising some things with your friends and girlfriend. Could you go to a nearby friend's house with her? Does she have any friends to spend time with? Or an interest that could help her make some other friends if you encourage it? It seems like that might be a better direction to come at this than saying you want time on your own.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Now is the time to suggest to her that if she truley loves you and would choose you above all else she will come to your house and help you with your family obligations.
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