A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:We broke up this week after just over a year together. I did a huge amount to make things work on my end. He was young, but even his closest friends saw him change positively for being with me. I blew so much out of proportion, but he also has no filter and didn't make a real effort in this until the last couple of weeks before I ended it. He said stupid things obliviously that hurt me. I thought he meant them. He didn't mean them how I took it. I fear it is completely over-no chance of any forever. But he had made such progress at the end and I feel like I should've given him one more chance. But I'd given him a year's worth of chances. I thought I had to end it here because I felt he still wanted out to experience the world. I'm dying! I haven't eaten in days. I weep and wail as though someone has died. I want him still. I love him still. Has anyone ever passed such tragedy and come back together, stronger for it? He's afraid that if we wait til he's really ready, I will be too old and it would be too risky for me to bear children. That's the biggest thing holding him back from continuing this. He's afraid it would've had to end eventually anyways, based on that alone.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 January 2012):
 I forgot home my baseball bat :) , and I don't think it was all about sex, but yes, you are glamourizing the relationship. The sooner you realize it , the sooner you'll stop crying.
Bardia, what are you talking about ? You have been posting several times about this, and you were MISERABLE .
You had to chase after him for one year. You had to sweat it profusely to get a word of affection out of him. He was drooling over other girls, and composing pick up lines for them under your nose. He'd let you wait on him hands and feet, and also support him financially , without ever showing any particular gratitude or reciprocating by doing something special for you.
YOU told us these things, and how you felt unappreciated and unloved.So we have to go by what you say, and , if , in fact, it was a blissfully happy relationship that deserves all your tears ,we haven't been informed.
Right people bad timing ? Bad timing perhaps, but how was he the right person ?? the age difference was maybe the least problem in all this. ( Also if, alas, it is to be taken into account from the start that a May / December relationship will probably be transitional in nature because the younger part will want to have his/her own family at some point. A strong love , a deep connection would overcome this obstacle too, - there are exceptions - but,unluckily, his feelings weren't strong enough ).
Of course you suffer, of course you cry. You are in love , it was your first relationship, the break up was sort of bitter, - you feel lonely and are not used to that anymore, - you are scared.
It is normal, it is understandable, it is not a tragedy, it WILL pass. It is a sad, difficult moment that you will come out of inevitably, also if you don't think it possible now. And it will happen sooner if you put yourself, not him, at the center of your life. You deserved, and still do, much better than what you got with him. Now, I wish I could swear you that this " better " will take the form of another partner, a wonderful one, caring, sensitive, affectionate, successful and all you want . Maybe it will, why not . But anyway this " better " could also be peace of mind, and self respect, and strength , and serenity, and the knowledge you don't need being strung along by some second rate Lothario to feel good in your skin.
Chin up and good luck.
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (8 January 2012):
 Hi. Sorry, but this all sounds a bit confusing ... you were together a year ... he didn't make any effort in the relationship until the last two weeks, but then you ditched him? ... he said the relationship would never go anywhere because you are too old for his plans (that is basically what he said, harsh as that may feel) ... you spent the whole relationship making allowances for him and giving him chances.
And yet you were madly in love with him.
I understand all of this, but I think you are right that the relationship had its problems. I can't know if you were right to end it, though. In terms of your age, I don't know how long he wants to wait, or if you have any other children. Up to 45 you really should be ok. I think he didn't want to be rushed.
I don't know. I'd like to think you'd considered everything before breaking up, but maybe you hadn't. Perhaps you should talk to him?
Yes you would get over this, but it would, I think, take a long time, and leave scars. I am not sure whether you shouldn't go back and talk to him. Maybe this could work. It really really depends how he feels. After all, you dumped him.
Talk to him.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (8 January 2012):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question A very late bloomer, this was my first relationship ever, beginning at age 35 (I will be 37 in a month). I was navigating completely new waters. And he's had more than his fair share of tragedy (a father who died on his 20th birthday, a drug addict mother who abandoned him as a child). We were two very broken people who understood the depths of each other. No, it was not just about good sex. This was just right people, wrong timing. And I have never been accused of being a drama queen in my life. I need words of advice and grace to a complicated situation right now, not judgement.
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