A
female
age
41-50,
*etty blue
writes:Hi I guess I really am asking others for conformation of something I already know in my heart but maybe I someone has another perspective .I have posted before and this is my third disaster relationship since a long term toxic relationship 7 yrs ago with my sons dad. I have been seeing an Italian man who is 41 for 4 months approx .we have had contact every day texting sometimes 6 times a day which he instigates too. We see each other once twice a week .the situation is a little tricky as I have a son and he lives quite a distance away and doesn't drive .he has not been working for the last 3 yrs after being made redundant .he has been told he's over qualified for most jobs. He has trouble sleeping etc and is in my opinion quite a stressed man .he told me nothing of this when we met until I became closer and intimate with him .he told me not to get too attached and that he doesn't want to meet my son because he doesn't want to get attached himself. When we are together he can be warm attentive affectionate tactile loving etc but lately he's been critical and distant but still contacting me but telling me we are not compatable and I'm too argumentative like his last girlfriend. He looks at me in a way that makes me feel that he does in fact have feelings for me .he sais he cares and wants to be friends . I feel hurt angry that he got involved without telling me his situation. Are these signs of a man with issues or is it his situation that has made him push me away? He was married and has had many short term relationships since .I feel that I have been naive not to see the warning signs and yet again my self esteem has taken a knock .or is this to do with me and my choice if wrong man ? Help !
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 He’s 41 and has not worked for THREE YEARS? That’s the FIRST thing that caught my eye… he has trouble sleeping…. He was not upfront about these things at first… he waited till you were HOOKED on him….
He told you not to get too attached. Because he knows what a hot mess he is. He’s wise to not involve your son. Be grateful he’s mature enough to do that.
He’s critical and distant and is telling you that he’s NOT feeling the love…
I am sure he has feelings for you… but what are those feelings? He cares. He wants to be friends. (With benefits perhaps?)
He has issues and I would work hard to protect your heart and your emotions,…. And maybe you are right that your choices in men need to be evaluated and you need to figure out what you want and why you continue to make bad choices?
The thing is 3 relationships in 7 years is NOT that horrid if you are dating and looking for Mr. Right… that’s what it’s about.
Now what you should do is find a good therapist that you trust and work on why you make the choices you do… and figure out how to make better choices… it might involve being picky and being alone more but it might be what you need.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): As soon as a man starts telling you to not expect him to act like an honest, healthy man that is reliable financialy and emotionally- TURF HIM.
He's told you flat out he's an idiot.
So what else do you need?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): He probably has issues, yes, like we all do but I think the real ISSUE is he does not want a relationship with you. Many single men will not object to casual sex a couple times a week and they will let you know that's all it will be by telling you not to get attached or it's just a friendship. These aren't warning signs or yellow flags to figure out, these are facts about where you stand with him.
Yes, HE'S pushing you away, not his issues. He doesn't want a relationship from you so when you push too hard on that, he sets his limits with you. Trying to squeeze a relationship out of a man who doesn't want one with you is toxic to yourself. It will keep your self esteem at an all time low and prevent you from finding real love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): You know alarm bells are ringing. What is there in this relationship for you - not much it seems. Don't settle for this sort of treatment. He has no job, does not want to meet your son, among other issues. Whatever your heart says (and you are obviously torn) you need to stop seeing him and even stop being in contact with him I would say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): I would say he has issues yes. His work and relationship history show a man who isn't stable or focused.
I know the job market is hard but after 3 years he should have found something,anything would do, graduates are taking jobs way below their level of qualifications.
I don't think you should put up with him,he knows you are vulnerable,have had some knocks,he's playing on your good nature.
It really is better to be single,to wait for a good man than carry on seeing him. Break the pattern,don't just see somebody for the sake of having a man in your life.There are good men out there that will treat you right,just be patient, keep busy,look after yourself and your son.
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A
female
reader, betty blue +, writes (2 March 2012):
betty blue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I agree with everything you have said .I did wipe the floor with him and held on to a least some of my esteem and self respect and told him that I need more. Thanks for your honesty .maybe I have leart ......I hope so .xx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Ok I'll have a stab at this one...
A man that lies about his situation, tells you he doesn't want you to get too attached or that he doesn't want to meet your child, a man that criticises you, tells you that you arn't compatible, compared you to his ex and tells you he just wants to be friends is...
USING YOU!! There I said it (and yes you probably know that too)
A man who doesn't have a job, displays stress and seems to blame everyone around him really isn't much of a man and if he is only affectionate and caring when he is with you well I am sorry to declare it but it's probably so he can continue to get his leg over.
I have said it a million million billion times...
People who display confusing messy behaviour almost always have something to hide or are absolutely incapable of deciding what they want...and they almost always disregard others feelings because, quite frankly, they do not have the capacity to care.
You my lovely are a sweet kind caring, slightly needy sitting duck who is afraid to say or do the wrong thing to rock the boat. You have been in bad relationships before and display all the signs of taking all the blame...or at least having those negative thoughts pass through you.
I often think if women wern't so afraid and trusting, a lot of men wouldn't get away with murder like they do.
Why does it all have to be about him and what he wants and needs? Why do you have to accept so much crap and uncertainty just so it doesn't upset him? Of course your self esteem will take a knock but as the old saying goes:
Fool me once...shame on you
Fool me twice...shame on me.
He is fooling you into thinking you are an item whilst keeping you at armslength so he can get what he wants (a cosy bed, an understanding woman and absolutely NO NEED at all to be committed)
Belive me I have been through something similar recently and the signs are exactly the same. I found out that guy was actually seeing someone else behind my back and when we parted he walked away like I never existed and yet I had put myself through years of wondering and torment.
You need to move on. It is far better to be single until you really find someone who treats you with complete love and respect than to put up with confusing, messy selfish players for the sake of avoiding being alone.
There!! How did I do?
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