A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My gut instinct is telling me this relationship is already flawed but I am inexperienced in dating. This man and I are in our mid 40's. I was married for 15 years ( no kids) and he has never been married. His longest relationship was 5 years. After meeting through a dating website we emailed in depth for a couple of months and have now met up 4 times - spending the day together each time. I have read about 'red flags' and have experienced an abusive marriage with plenty in it so not sure if I am 'over-reading' the situation here. I am in the zone of trying not to be over sensitive or judgemental and bail out early as I have not known this guy that long and there is a lot that is attractive about him. However I don't want to waste my time. Perhaps the act of typing out my concerns here will help make things clearer all by itself but I would really appreciate people's thoughts on the things that are worrying me (already)!* His online dating profile said that he had a 40 hour a week job in the health service - it transpires that he has investments that give him a yield (so he says)and actually he is signed on the dole at the moment and is looking for a part-time role. I said to him that if you have a certain level of savings you cannot get benefits but his answer was "well they didn't ask me about that". I have since learnt that he had a really stressful job and had a nervous breakdown so is not interested in getting back on the work bandwagon full time. Although he says he has investments and does ok out of them when he mentioned a repair that needed doing to his house he said "It will have to wait it's just money money all the time otherwise". What he says about his finances and the way he lives his life are at odds - but I feel it is too early (or maybe not right) to be assessing his financial situation so I don't press him on it.* He has a female lodger who has lived in his house for 4 years. Part of me finds this a bit strange the other doesn't. It is another source of income (so he doesn't have to get a job!) but it is a little odd. I've mentioned it to a couple of my friends and they raised an eyebrow. I've not met this woman but this guy has dropped her name into conversation and said "Oh Jane does that too she likes shopping in that town" etc on more than one occasion every time we have met up. I accept she is probably a big part of his life and he has very few family members but I am not sure I am comfortable with it. It's only a 3 bedroomed house and the bathroom is shared. He said that previous girlfriends have had an issue with Jane and that didn't work - which kind of 'told' me early on that I either deal with it or our relationship isn't going to last. So far I've been polite about it and if I continue the relationship will most likely meet her this coming weekend.* We have met up 4 times and because we live about an hour and a half away from each other we've tried to meet half way - in reality we have met up much nearer to him mostly. The weekend just gone I suggested a venue nearer to me. At the end of the day he said he was really tired and it was a long drive back. Yesterday when I saw him he said he had fallen asleep straight away he got in after our day out together - but then let it slip later on that he called in to a friends birthday party on the way home. This puzzled me as he obviously wasn't that tired after all.* He made a big thing when we were emailing (before we met up physically) that he loved the fact I emailed back with the same effort level and depth and effort - we connected through the written word. Since meeting up communication between dates is limited. He is slow to respond to texts (or just doesn't respond at all if my text is just a comment or picture or something. When this got in the way of making plans to meet (that he initiated in the first place) he was irritated and uptight saying that I was making assumptions about him and he can be busy and doesn't always have his phone on him, also he was forgetful generally - in other words he made me feel bad for making him feel bad. We spoke about it and apparently he thinks texts are functional and prefers to speak. However, I tried calling him on a couple of occasions at times he suggested I do so and he didn't answer. Then he said his phone doesn't ring it just buzzes so he doesn't always hear it. When I suggested he gets a new phone that works better he gave the 'money' excuse again. When I asked him whether he has Whatsapp on his phone he said "no not on this phone I did on the last one". He has an android phone and regularly uses facebook. Yesterday he mentioned something that was trending on twitter and yet he told me he doesn't go on twitter. He says he is trying to simplify his life, cut down on things and live quietly. Because I work in marketing and PR, communication is important to me - all kinds. The way I am justifying his behaviour is by saying the dynamic of our relationship has changed (we meet up now) and we don't need to communicate in between times in depth... and that everyone is different. * He says 'thank you for a lovely day' but when we have met up there have been occasions when I have paid for lunch (not expensive). I don't mind sharing the cost of meals but he never said thank you for it. In my mind that is just manners and I would not dream of not thanking someone if they paid for something or bought me something - it is the way I've been brought up - but I am justifying it by saying that maybe other people are more casual about it and I am being fussy.* He mentioned that he went to see one of his ex-girlfriends - which was quite a drive away. I am open minded about being friends still with an ex and the fact he mentioned it didn't really make alarm bells ring but it seemed strange that he would be doing this when he has a brand new (me) relationship on his mind. * He tells me he is a disorganised person when he forgets something we talked about - but he organises complicated trips to far flung and challenging places which I can only assume takes a fair amount of planning.* On his profile he said that he wanted someone that complemented rather than complicated his life. I kind of get that but since we met he said that my comment on my profile that I would move location for the right relationship really attracted him. Apparently the previous 5 year relationship he had was fairly long distance which suited his independent mindset but in the end he wasn't going to move to her and she wasn't going to move for him.* We've talked over a few things about our pasts but it bothered me to hear that for a while in his 30's he was clubbing every weekend and taking ecstasy. I have never taken recreational drugs and take a pretty dim view of them but I am justifying his actions in my mind by saying that we're all different and I have a much stricter view on these things.* We spent a pleasant hour sipping a coffee at a small café in a town where we met up - he had brought his dog with him (which seems to come with him to everything we do now) and they were really accommodating. I love dogs and have my own - though I leave it at home for dates because I prefer to concentrate on getting to know someone. The dog aside (!) when we got up to go he almost forgot to pay and the waitress had to ask. I thought he had already paid upon ordering. Anyway I noticed he didn't leave a tip for them - which I covered myself because I felt bad they had made such an effort. Again, to me this is just manners when customer service is good. I have justified his behaviour by saying to myself that not everybody leaves a tip - some people just don't believe in them.* Another thing he has told me about his life is that in his teens he was arrested for shoplifting. I didn't ask him what he stole. I know he had a very difficult upbringing. His Dad was harsh and his Mum died when he was 3 years old. This is my justification for his actions. I know other people with bad upbringings and they didn't steal. I am trying not to judge him.* Yesterday when we met I drove a long long way as he was taking a couple of days away near the coast in his campervan. He has gone on about his campervan because he likes the freedom and solitude. I only had a day to spare because I work for myself and cannot take any more time out. The campervan was nothing like as up-market as I had imagined. After a couple of hours in one town he suggested we drove in his van to a different spot and I agreed. During the journey I looked across at the dashboard and there were several warning lights on. The ABS (anti lock breaks) don't work and, much worse, the speedometer was not working! After we got back I felt really angry because basically he had driven me in his vehicle that is barely roadworthy - and I'm not sure if it is even legal like it is. I don't really have any justification for this which is why I am on here writing this because something inside me has reached that 'bottom line'.* At the weekend when we met we stopped at a café for a cup of tea and a sandwich. I noticed he poured the boiling water in the teapot with literally no care and attention - all the water was spilling out. When he finished his sandwich he almost threw his plate on top of mine. I was really taken aback and asked him if he was ok as he had just thrown that plate down and he said "well it's not my plate". We had been talking about a sensitive topic (his first love had killed herself whilst at university) so I put his agitated state down to that but....* When we met yesterday he seemed to have similar eating habits - and when he had some cake he offered me some on the fork and almost shoved it in my mouth and nearly forced me awkwardly to have another piece that I caved in and ate.There have been other small things - little comments that haven't rung true or have been a bit 'off' like the way he comments on people's appearances in particular. I have listed the main things and thank you for reading it if you got this far! I am supposed to be going to a festival near his town next weekend and he has invited me to which he suggested but yesterday he had forgotten the date for. He suggested it but then said he actually knows nothing about it - his lodger Jane is going apparently so maybe that is how he got to hear about it. I feel like finishing the relationship because I have not slept with him yet and don't want to get my head and heart messed up. I really don't want to waste time but something is keeping me in this and wanting to see where it goes and I'm not sure if it is healthy.I'm not sure what to do - is my gut instinct correct
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): Dear OP I am interested to know the outcome here as I went through something similar. Me and my ex remained friends at a distance and three months later I can see I made the best decision. The relationship was draining me too. We were just too different.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): OP here again. Thank you for the latest replies - again I really appreciate it. I have woken up this morning with a lot of energy and realised worrying and wondering about all these 'red flags' has been completely and utterly draining me and not making me feel very good about myself. Even though I have been through a relationship that did just that before it can still be confusing when you are under the 'spell' of someone new and basically hoping that you are imagining it even when you know deep down you're not. I have not contacted him for nearly two days (I would have usually text just to keep in touch... and got no reply) as he is on a 2 day camping trip. I haven't heard from him either and so my plan is when he suddenly remembers he invited me to a day out this coming weekend (I won't be waiting)I will simply dump him. No explanation. Guess what? - I'm looking forward to that!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 June 2015):
 Is this the guy who do the "adrenalin rush adventure vacations"?
Your post reminds me of a lady who was dating a guy who did the whole "he wanted someone that complemented rather than complicated his life." THAT statement ALONE tells a simply story of a guy who think a woman should ORBIT him. THAT he is the SUN and the relationships is about and FOR him, not about two people making it work.
Then you have the room-mate... I get that some people need a room-mate to afford keeping their house or whatnot, specially after leaving a higher paid job, but.... I would actually not be very keen on dating a guy with a female lodger. It may not sound logical, but I just don't like the idea. I GET why he has a female lodger over a male... they tend to be less noisy, messy and keep to themselves more than a male. Still.... He has ALMOST lived with her AS long as his longest relationship... So while she MIGHT just be a lodger, it's still a form of relationship they have.
Thirdly, YOU trying to justify all his little antics. Some really socially unacceptable, such as not tipping to NOT even settling the bill. He is in his 40's, HE KNOWS you pay for what you order. He also knows you tip.
The camper.... HE basically risked your life (yeah that is the dramatic version, but still the truth) by taking you out in it when it's not 100% legal or functional.
DON'T try an analyze this guy as to why he does what he does, but decide if you can DATE a guy who IS this way or not.
Personally, he sounds all over the place, and not like someone I'd waste more time on.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 June 2015):
 I think your gut instinct is correct.
The fact that he's on the dole with no plans to actually earn his own money in the foreseeable future is a biggie. He volunteers contradictory information about himself. His female tenants/roommate is a question mark. He's frequently unavailable and unresponsive when you contact him. He's admitted to being disorganized (another biggie) and he doesn't seem overly concerned with what you think of him.
All of these raise a red flag for me. Not that he's a serial killer or anything but that he would complicate your life not compliment it.
Get out before you invest too much, but please save yourself the headache of explaining all this to him. The less said, the better. Just quietly cut him out of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): I don't think you're making a big deal at all. Some people tell little "white" lies on dating profiles, maybe about having more hair than they actually have for men, or weighing a little more for women, that kind of thing.. posting a more flattering photo. But lying about working and making up what by all accounts seem to be very convoluted lies one after the other, sorry, but MAJOR red flag straight off the bat. He could have told the truth on his profile, "between jobs", "currently not working but hope to be soon". A man who sells himself like his and is able to tell such a whopper is quite probably lieing about plenty of other stuff.
And he's not making enough effort, appears to have poor manners. Sounds like he might have Aspergers or something odd going on. Flush!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): Hi I am The OP. I'm sorry for the length of post only when I submitted it I realised the full length of it. I guess this guy has got under my skin too quick and my head has been spinning... but I really appreciate all your advice very much. He is not right and agree and like the advice that being without him will make it clearer it already has today as I have made no contact. I can heal and move on. Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): Move on NOW.The sooner the better.Listen to your instincts!DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM or that will mess you up to a point of no return and you will find it harder to leave him. This is the reason mistresses get stuck with a married man. Once they have sex, they are done. No turning back. So if you can avoid this mistake well ahead, you are on the right track and thinking clearly.Just leave him and move forward.You will find a man who is worthy of you. This man IS NOT. And I think this Jane woman is more in the picture than you think.You are a smart woman who knows what she deserves, what she wants and will not settle for less.This guy has way too much baggage in his life. Not up to you to fix him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): For whatever reason, you have fallen for him in some strange way or you wouldn't be here. This guy is in no way, shape or form a candidate for anyone. He is not trustworthy and is wasting your time. PLEASE do yourself a favor and drop him before he draws you in any further. Too, too many inadequate and suspicious things about him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): I thinkthe more you get to know this man the more you will "go off him."You sound like an articulate, intelligent person and he sounds a bit rough round the edges and I from the sound of it and a man "just getting by" in life. It sounds like Jane the lodger is his income.I would say "No, no, no." He is definitely not your type. You are pushing something that does not fit. This will only get more frustrating as time goes by.I have been in this exact situation. What worked for me was distancing myself, time out for myself and preparing myself for single life again. I know its only been a few dates but even so you have still invested time and effort so there will still be that disappointment....oh and relief when it's over! I think you will feel a clarity and sense of freedom once you make that decision. You sound 70% there already!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): You say you've met 4 times- and yet he warrants all these paragraphs of stuff? I think its a bit harsh to judge someone based on past things like getting arrested as a teen- HOWEVER I wouldn't have got to that point anyway because if I was you would have been gone as soon as I found out he lied on his profile! Do you really want to know what other suprises are in store?! (I would bet money 'jane' is an ex gf or fwb). Wise up and hit 'NEXT!'
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2015):
 OP, it's not that you have to get this bf, or a bf in general, by doctor's order , right ?
Only if you like what the guy is , says and does- and only if you think you are compatible.
You have pointed out 14 things you don't like about him. FOURTEEN !( or maybe more, since there were sub-categories under single complaints ). So why do you try so hard to talk yourself into accepting everything of him ?..
As for red flags, I guess it's a matter of points of view, - a few things you mention would be huge red flags for me too, while other would be more " pink flags " (like the fact of not saying " thank you for dinner " , well, I like well mannered people too, but, after all, he does say " thank you for the lovely day ", so maybe that includes meals or drinks too in his mind, and I'd let him get away with THAT... )
But, red or pink,- there are just too many flags, too many things which make you upset or uncomfortable or disappointed.
Maybe he is a bum, maybe he's a cad, ...or maybe he is a nice man with his own quirks and foibles,- yet there are at least fourteen things, big and small, that do not appeal to you. You can try to explain them away to make them sound less disquieting ( and with some it's very hard ,btw ! ) but, the question is : WHY do you have to explain them away ? Why are you basically tryng to fit a square peg in a round hole ?! If you have noticed so many things that bother you or worry you- then he's just not the guy for you, whether he has a good enough reason for what he does, or not !
Don't waste any time, and move on. And next time... do not try so hard to make yourself like what you don't like, for the sake of eventually having a mate. Better alone than mismatched !
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 June 2015):
 I agree with eyeswideopen. WAAAAAY too many things going on so early in the relationship that you have to list paragraphs about it. End things and move on. This isn't even red flags, more like a nuclear disaster waiting to happen. Trust your instincts!
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A
female
reader, Pooki_ll  +, writes (17 June 2015):
I think you need to leave this person alone. That was an epic post so although I think you may be an over analyser, this guy sounds like bad news too.
It's so early and so many issues. He sounds like a tight ass, fiscally insecure, man child. Just reading your post made me feel distrustful of him. No wonder your gut is telling you to be on guard.
You don't need a guy like that around, you'd be better off single hunny.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 June 2015):
 Your gut is correct, this guy is not for you. You won't be able to "justify" his little ref flags forever. Just nip this in the bud and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): Best to leave him, you've managedd to write a novel on why he's wrong and not one good thing.
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