A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering. It seems the general consensus on this website is that women who have problems with porn are insecure and that all men watch it and it's not fair to them to ask them to stop. However, I was wondering if it's fair in my case to ask. When I was 15 I was raped as a DIRECT result of porn watching. They watched rape porn in front of me (the two people) and then re-enacted the scene on me. These two were considered popular and normal, just recreational porn users with great success dating. I've been in therapy for YEARS and porn is just not something I will be able to live with. Ever. It's not a matter of insecurity, it's not something I will ever "get over." Asking him to just not tell me isn't really an option for me since I will still know he's doing it. Is it really unfair to ask him to stop in that case? Are there really guys out there who would stop for someone they cared about, or should I just give up and be alone for the rest of my life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielpew--I don't look at porn now. I've tried it to see what it would feel like, to see if I could tolerate it and just out of curiosity. I got very turned on, but I later felt disgusted with myself for liking something so similar to what had been used in my assault. Physically I respond to it, but I cried for hours for feeling it. It's hypothetical in the sense that I am not struggling with my boyfriend's use currently, but I have asked him not to look before. If I found out he was watching I would feel so horribly hurt that words could not even describe it. I wanted to see though if my request earlier in the relationship is reasonable and if I really could ask especially after being attacked for "even asking." If it really was reasonable for me to expect him to go without. I constantly do question if he just says he doesn't for my sake.It honestly stung a little to hear you say that you're disappointed.I wouldn't expect him not to fantasize. We talk about fantasies together a lot.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 May 2010):
 I'm sorry to say this, but I feel kind of disappointed to know that this was a hypothetical question and that you enjoy porn, too. Now it seems to me like the whole thing can be understood as your feeling insecure about him. Yes, the man has eyes and he may fantasize with other people, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Err, well I think your friend in that case was a bit on the defencive side. After all you weren't planning on dating HIM, so why he suddenly steps up as some "mans-right" defender is a bit beyond me. My guess is he loves porn and though of your comment as offensive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI enjoy technical answers, don't worry. I wouldn't ask for opinions if I didn't want them! I'd be lying if I said I didn't get turned on by porn too. Honestly this question was somewhat hypothetical. I live with a man now, and as far as I know he doesn't watch at all. We've had some pretty in depth conversations about it and he says he doesn't watch at all now and hasn't for years and years. He knows what happened, and said that even if he did watch, knowing that about me, he'd probably want to stop. He did for a period in high school but thought it was demeaning to the viewer or something and stopped. Maybe I'm being naive in believing him, but he's been honest enough to tell me which specific actresses he fantasizes about and in which positions (upon talking about it, not just unprompted to make me feel weird) and we've been sharing a computer for a long time now and nothing ever shows up. Mostly I asked because I told a friend that based on what happened, I would not want a man to watch when he was dating me and the guy started yelling at me and calling me a prude over-controlling shrew of a woman and that I had "no right to take my problems out on some poor guy and make him miserable." All cause of porn. Thanks for the answers!
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 May 2010):
I think your issue with porn then is a multifaced one. I appologize for making this sound technical, whatever I say it is ultimately you who make the decisions and know what is rigth for you. But from how I see it... First off you have the obvious connection problem. You connect porn with the cruel things these guys did to you. I will say that celiaaletta has some very wise words to say about that. The connection between these two, the association, is a false one. It is not porn that you hate or despise, it is what these guys did, their actions. You see the acting of actresses in porn as something similar to what happened to you, but they are not. Those people act it out, for fun, for entertainment. What you went through was real, and horrible.
Second: even if you didn't link porn to the rape, and can say that "porn was not the cause", you will still have an issue with this exact type of porn, violent porn. You are totally entitled to feel the way you do. No one can tell you you should just suck it up and deal with it. And you also are completely right: you are against violent porn, therefor any man watching something you hate will be less attractive. This is how we all work. Im not into poop-play, so a man watching those types of porn will make me go "eeew". Not being attracted to a man who is into rape-porn is not a problem that has to be solved. It is your preference.
The great thing now is that not all porn is violent. And as follows, not all men like violent porn. And I am pretty sure that if you lower your criteria from "a boyfriend of mine is not allowed to watch porn" to "a boyfriend of mine is not allowed to watch violent porn", it will make a huge difference.
I don't think it's as much about denying a potential guy the right to watch violent porn , as it is about finding a genuine guy who respects you enough to not watch violent porn. This could proove as no obstacle at all, because not all men are into violent porn. Not that Im a guy, but I watch porn and I skip certain stuff that just appears as cruel or outright horrible. So not everyone are into that.
Last, I know Im going on and on.. But still, how would you know if a man was watching this type of porn in the first place? It's not exactly first date material. Maybe Im just being ignorant here, but so many women on here complain about their partners porno-routine, and it strikes me as odd. I've been in 3 serious relationships now in my life, all of about a year and a half, and never did I know anything about my bf's porn-habits, or even what they watched. They didn't bring it up, and I never asked. I was wondering this so much I had to ask my boyfriend here the other day if he at all watches porn, at which he answered "yes", and I had to ask "when??". I've never seen him do it and we live together, plus Im home all day so it's not like he could sneek it in that often.
My point being: my boyfriend and boyfriends of the past (whom I've also lived with) do watch porn. But never in my face and they do a good job of making it private business. So private, I was starting to wonder if my current one even did it at all. When I asked what types of porn he'd watch he answered that it was mostly our private made stash.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl, you're right to question. Many studies on the internet aren't real "studies" but are just polls or opinions. I am skeptical too when someone just says, "studies say..." it's pretty vague. Interesting that you would throw out the terrorist thing, this study wasn't only studying porn, it was studying TV, movies, and news and found that all of those (and porn) caused very similar effects. I think the porn one is just worse to think about since that one caused an increase in the sexual violence aspect rather than other kinds of violence. I've always thought violence in news, TV, movies, etc... caused people to be desensitized to it. That doesn't stop me from watching it and enjoying it. My issue with porn isn't that porn itself is inherently bad or that it causes sexual violence, it's more that it's really hard to look at someone and find them attractive after I know that just recently they were getting off to a woman being demeaned, especially after my experience. It makes me feel like they would find what happened to me a turn-on or not see a problem in it. And then if they saw a problem in it, but continued to watch a degrading sort of porn, that would be very hypocritical. I would feel very uncomfortable being with someone who routinely gets off watching women be demeaned or abused. A lot of mainstream porn is like that.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 May 2010):
A similar study was also performed to show that people were more inclined to fear terrorist attack if shown violent images of explosions, than if they were shows maps of where terrorist attacks had occurred.
TV people and commercials use this all the time, if the study is performed the way you say, and as you pointed out yourself, the images changed the short-term answers and ideas of the interwieved.
So in that respect, if porn is dangerous, so is tv, commercials, video-games and the like. This effect on human phychology is widely acknowledged, and used and abused mostly by people in marketing. Or so it occurs to me.
Thank you for the follow-up. I tend to be sceptical of "studies" thrown out online that do not include a link or full details of the study, hence my last post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe study was well-executed and the fact that by asking them immediately beforehand and after would change their answers was well thought out and they took many precautions to ensure that wouldn't happen (such as interviewing beforehand months in advance and not asking them only that question and not asking them very directly). As well the study group was almost 200 people. Donnerstein is a very respected researcher in his field and published in a well-respected journal. I read through the whole study and I assure you it's not a biased anti-porn propaganda masquerading as a study. There are many other studies by him and other researchers that come to the same conclusion. Neither Donnerstein nor I were intending to suggest that 57% of men are rapists, just the effect that watching the porn can have on the mind in the short term. There are far more studies linking porn to rape and violent tendencies than porn to a decrease in rapes.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (19 May 2010):
I am continuing my answer, I had to leave for a little but there are still a few things I'd like to say, refering to what others have said on here and your feedback. These men were bad to begin with, something was wrong in their heads and porn was not the reason they wanted to rape a woman. They wanted it for whatever reason they had, and in their twisted minds they used porn to stimulate themselves in this act. I am positive there are rapists out there who do not watch porn during the rape situation, as I am also positive that a man who desires to rape someone will have that desire despite of the amount of porn he watches.
I do not think you should put too much emphasis on the study you read. As it might be fair enough what they tested, I have not read that study myself, and just from what you listed I can see many reasons for why this study could be more staged than portraying a realistic image. First off you are conciously on the outlook for "proof" to back up your reasons to not watch porn. You will undoubtly find this proof. But you will also find just as much proof that contradicts this belief if you had gone out to search for that. There might be a lot to what this study said, but I wouldn't recommend you trust in it blindly. Don't take it at face value.
Second: the study was, based on what you said here, on the basis that these men would not get caught. The men who raped you would get caught, as you know their identity. So clearly they are not like the men in the study, as they would have done it either way. As for the people who did this to you, did you get your justice, knowing their identity I hope you reported them and that they got sent to jail.
Third: the study, based on what you said, asked the same people in round two if they would have raped a woman if they didn't get caught. They were stimulated into wanting to rape a woman, so obviously those who answered yes in the first round still answered yes, and then the number rose from those who were questionable in the first round. This does not however reflect on how many in this study actually ever raped a woman. Did they ask that question? What people in theory would do is not what they in reality would do. If the study is correct then 57% of the male population are rapists. And as much as I believe that many rape cases go unreported, I find it hard to judge the male population this harshly based solely on one study.
I am not saying this to bash your opinion, but more to remind you that it could be fatal to lay too much emphasis on this particular type of study. It is a popular study whith a high likelihood of being staged just to cause attention. It could be a valid study, but it could also be a total fake.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (19 May 2010):
I am sorry for what happened to you. I can relate on a small scale, I dont mean to bring my own issue up to the same level as yours, but here's what I think. I wont date a guy who plays WoW, simply because I hate the game after dating an addict who always put that game before me. Now, if I can demand such a silly thing, then I don't think what you are demanding is too much at all. But, it's not just about porn in your case. It is about you having a history, you being a rape victim, and your need to have any potential boyfriend consider that.
I believe there are men out there who will give up porn for your sake. But at a cost. You must understand that no one who hasn't gone through what you went though will understand your issue with porn. A man can stop watching it for your sake, but not completely see the harm in actually watching it. And there might be times he slips up. I also believe with years he could begin watching porn again, behind your back. He will not do it to be mean to you, but because men have the need for this visual stimulation, and he wont understand the harm in watching it if he keeps it hidden from you.
If you could provide the man in question with enough porn, and variated enough, and new porn all the time, then I believe he could be satisfied watching "porn" of only you. But then again I doubt this is an option for anyone unless they are professionals.
Another thing I want to ask though is: wouldn't it be better if you try and overcome this issue? I am in no way saying you aren't trying, or implying that it is easy. But in a way, if you ban porn and become focused on struggling to keep your man away from porn, will you not only be reminded constantly of the rape and the porn? If you put the porn up on a pidestal for everything that reminds you of the rape, as an item that symbolises everything that hurt you, porn will undoubtly always be an issue for you. And as every man on earth watches porn, I believe you might have to battle the porn many a times, which will bring you to emotionally battle the memories as well many a times.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): That's just horrible. I will never understand people who do this to others, just to please their aweful fantasies.
As a guy, yes I would stop watching porn immediately. It's not my thing anyway, but even if it was, I would stop if she asked me to and explained why she finds it so horrible. Hell, I'd probably feel guilty for ever watching it in the first place.
So to answer your question: a guy who truly loves you will stop doing that which is causing you those horrible trips down the memory lane. Giving up porn is just a small thing. It's not like you're asking to move to a deserted island to build a home out of tree branches ;-)
Hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. I know the guys were bastards and I know that all guys who watch porn aren't going to turn into violent rapists. However, I have a done a lot of research on the correlation. A study done by Donnerstein in 1983 showed that up to 30% of college age men said they would rape a woman if they knew they would get away with it. The number jumped to 57% after they were shown several hours of violent/rape porn. Just to keep that in mind...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Hi. I am sorry to hear about your case and I am angry at the guys who hurt you. Please don't link their brutality with porn. They were bad people to start with anyway. As a boxer, I would love to break the teeth of such people. I also watch porn once in a while to feel better, but that's the same as a girl using a dildo. Personal choice. Remember, porn can be light and it can be dark. But you have a genuine reason to feel bad about all porn. Still if you love your bf, give him that much room and he will appreciate you for it.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 No.
There are guys who don't use porn if they got the real thing, but then they are not giving it up for you, but they just don't have a use for it.
There are others who simply don't use it at all.
But a guy who does "need" it, will continue to feel that need. I wouldn't call it an addiction, just a compulsion that seems to be hard to ignore especially since porn is so easily available.
I can understand why you have a problem with porn, although I would remind you that there is tons of porn that has nothing to do with rape.
You just need to find a guy who isn't in need of a fake fantasy. To someone for who a real women with all her imperfections and non-constant sex-doll attitude is a pretty good thing.
Are there guys like that out there? Sure, but you won't read about them here because they got no issues worth discussing. Normal guys tend to be hard to notice because their wives keep them locked up in the basement to hide them from other women ;)
Basically, find a guy who does not give up porn because it is a problem for you, but someone who has no use for it when he has you. Including when sex is not available, because I don't think you want a guy who watches porn when you are torn out from child birth right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): OK, if there was ever a question on DC about porn where the woman had a legitimate issue, yours is it. It is completely reasonable that you have a problem with it. I'm very sorry about the experience you had, and I hope the guys who did it to you have some very serious karma catch up to them.There *are* guys out there who are addicted to porn, and I hope that yours isn't one of them. But honestly, for most guys porn is nothing more than a masturbation aid. It helps things along and gets the job done faster. Nothing more. Why do they want to do that? Because their partner isn't as interested in sex. Or sometimes they want to be selfish and not worry about whether it was good for her. It's not always that they're into the fantasy that porn provides.Your loathing of porn is real and valid and I don't diminish that for a second. But before you condemn your guy, see if you can figure out his motivation. Most guys masturbate, and it's basically a meaningless release. If you can assure yourself that that's where he's at, perhaps you can work with him rather than giving him an ultimatum.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): In a way it would depend on the type of boyfriend/guy you have. There are many guys out there who don't need porn since they have their wives. But there are also many who watch it in their own justification.
I think in this case, porn watching and what you went through is sort of a different issue. I think that any decent guy that is willing to understand his lover, would not watch porn in fear of being yelled at.
I myself am willing to stop watching porn...if I do find a gf...willing to please me all the time ^_^ but as i see you are from canada, good luck in your quest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): If it is normally an addiction that one had, I'm sure they will secretly find a way to watch it anyway, whether at a buddy's place or while you're not home, but there are also guys out there who don't feel the need to spend time doing that, period. Here in lies the problem, ..that you won't know if he's honestly never watching it. It's a very painful thing for you to live with, so I would just make it clear that you don't ever want to catch your boyfriend watching porn or you're gone, because you can't ever live with having it around. From there, all you can do is trust in him not to go against your wishes. If someone is determined enough to do something behind your back, you won't be able to stop them. You can, however, choose what you do with him if he's caught going behind your back with it. If you're not happy with the amount of compromise he chooses, you have every right to pick up and go, as well. Not everyone is the same, and some guys wouldn't even think twice about going behind your back because they would be able to respect your request. There are some who will go behind your back and some who will watch it without letting your request stop them. So to sum it up, yes, there are people who will stop watching it, but for how long...who knows?
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 May 2010):
There are guys who would give it up for you because they would care about you, dearest.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you those guys were bastards.
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