A
female
age
30-35,
*mnotcircumsized
writes:I have been dating the same guy for three years (we've broken up a few small times for very short periods of time, but none recently). The main problem I have with him is that he tells me he does not look at the opposite sex "like that". meaning, he doesn't judge females. I do not believe this because I, just as him, am human. I have told him on several occasions that it is okay and if he did, it would be fine... I just want us to be 100% honest to each other because if I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life (which is what we're aiming for) I want to at least be sure of one thing... we hide nothing from each other. He has, on different occasions, lied to me to spare my feelings. I recently asked if he'd ever been attracted to a friend of mine that he knew in his late teens/early twenties and he said no and I, knowing he was lying, got him to confess. I then blew up on him because of the fact that he had lied to me. He still claims that he doesn't look at other women... even just small 2-3 second glances. So, in a nutshell... are there men who don't look, or is he simply lying to me? I mean, he has never given me any reason to think he would do anything to hurt me. I've never caught him looking, he's been honest about everything else, and he now says that he is NOT lying and would tell me because he already admitted to liking this girl and a few other thigns, but claims that he did find these people attractive but found it necessary to lie because he no longer "thinks like a single man" or finds them attractive. And.. if he is lying, how do I get him to just be HONEST?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): What I see is the problem here is that you are asking him questions that most adult women would not ask a guy they're involved with.
You are being VERY insecure. You are asking stuff that in my opinion you shouldn't be asking. You are never going to meet a guy who doesn't look at women. But you are also never going to meet a guy who isn't going to feel weird by you asking him stuff that he expects you to already know the answer to.
You got to learn to be more confident and judge what's really important in a relationship, and respect who he is. He's a man. Of course, he looks at girls. Just as long as he is respectful and makes you feel like a queen, you shouldn't be grilling him about that stuff.
Focus your energy more on asking him about his day, about his goals. Be more interested in him as a guy that you love rather than attack him for something that he will never change.
A
female
reader, imnotcircumsized +, writes (7 December 2007):
imnotcircumsized is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks, you guys. He is a great guy and even if he did look, I wouldn't be worried about it. The thing that concerns me is that I have told him countless times that I don't care if he looks- I'm even curious to find out who he's looking at, because before I was with him (and he knows this), I had been with a few females. I mean, yes, I have blown up on him about this because he will sit there and lie about finding certain females we both know attractive... (my friend was one of them... he'd know her longer than I did and wouldn't admit that he found her rather "cute" a few years ago). I've tried the whole "oh... she's pretty hot thing" and it didn't work. He's always like "hmm... whatever" when I try bringing it up, or he's like "so... you find someone attractive other than me??" Really, he's the one who freaks out. I'm perfectly fine with looking at other people, and I want to believe him if he really doesn't, because I don't see why he'd lie to me if he knows I think it's totally fine. Some of my friends are like "oh he must be gay" because once, even, I tried asking him if he wanted to have a threesome to see what he'd say... he said "no. that's gay." he finds any kind of same-sex sex repulsive... not because he's gay (believe me... i know this ;)... ), just because he's a real man. He thinks relationships should be monogamous, and I agree now, but used to not. so... i'm pretty sure that if he were "looking", he'd have no problem with two girls at once, right? and he doesn't want that, so do you think it's possible that he really doesn't look?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 I wonder if there is a person, male or female, who has never looked at someone else even though s/he has a stable and perfectly working relationship. Looking is hard wired into humans. It's common wisdom that women tend to look less, or less obviously, but I wonder if anyone can seriously sustain that no married or enganged woman has ever looked at someone else.
Sometimes people do manage to look in a way that won't disturb their partners, to spare the partner's feelings. This is just a sensitive thing to do, I guess.
You might look, because you're human. Going beyond a quick glance, that's the problem.
If his lie is that he "doesn't look", then I wouldn't be too much concerned. He is surely saying that because, precisely, he wants to spare your feelings.
Many people look at other people and would never think of cheating on their partners or leaving them. And they don't think any less of their partners, either. This is what you should focus on. If he treats you well, doesn't cheat, and generally respects you, a white lie on this issue shouldn't be a serious problem.
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A
male
reader, Jamer70  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 Well maybe he is or isnt lying i cant say exaclty.
But if he is lying its proberly only to spare your feelings as some women are hurt by men looking at others regardless of how long or the intention. Some class it as cheating, some feel its degrading and some feel if they are there they should be enough.
Ill tell you now, most men will look. If they are in a relationship it will be a quick glance, maybe judge them and ten seconds later they proberly forgot it.
Maybe there are ,em who dont look, even for a scond but i doubt theres alot.
And about finding your friend attractive, what would happen if he said he was, would you get paraniod when they are near each other, worry about him and her, get angry he liked your friend? this proberly went through his head and thats proberly why he lied.
Truthly i think hes trying to spare your feelings and stop you get angry over things he might think a little issues.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 You are stuck in a very difficult situation - because for the most part of your problem - MEN WILL BE MEN.
I have honestly not met a guy, who doesn't look at other women. My current partner - doesn't look at women in "that way" but he does look. I'm not threatened by it AT ALL.
I think your boyfriend is still trying to spare your feelings. You need to get him to understand that you are okay with it.
What i did - with one of my previous boyfriends, is to make comments about good-looking girls.
Something along the lines of - WOW - she looks great in those pants, or WOW - that top really stresses her cleavage.
This way - you can engage him in conversation - and show him that you don't mind.
Hope this helps
Good luck.
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