A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a bit of an issue with birth control and I'm looking for some advice. I have tried so many types of birth control over the years: the injection; the implant and 4 different types of pill, and each of them have played havoc with my hormones. The main side effect which has been present throughout each of them was a significant decrease in my sex drive, to the point that I didn't want or enjoy sex at all any more. I also struggled to find anyone attractive. To be honest, I just thought I'd become less sexual as I got older until I decided to give my body a break about a year ago and stopped taking the pill. Within 3 months I was like a teenager again! I couldn't stop thinking about sex and I started developing crushes again. It became really clear how much my senses had been dulled by the BC, so I decided then that I wouldn't go back on it if I could possibly help it. The problem is, I'm finding that men are very unaccepting of this stance. I was actually seeing a man for 4 months, and after 2 months of having sex he dumped me because he said I was ruining sex for him as he doesn't like condoms! I do understand that it might not be quite as good, but he was still orgasming which was far more pleasure than I was getting when I was on BC. I've asked a few of my male friends and they have all agreed that they would consider ending a relationship if a woman wouldn't go on birth control or use the pull out method (which I would never agree to).I spoke to my doctor and she said the only other option is a coil, but she strongly advised against it as I've not had children yet. So I'm stuck - sometimes I hate being a woman! Do I really have to choose between having a sex drive or a boyfriend, or are there men out there willing to use condoms?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 June 2015):
 I have some information for you: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/en/learn/birth-control/female-condom There is a female condom that you put in before penis-in-vagina intercourse and presumably won't cause a shy penis to lose its erection. It does protect from some STIs.
I would not recommend sex with a man unless he's been tested and is far enough out of a relationship if he doesn't use condoms to ensure he's not going to transmit an STI to you.
Here's the information on IUDs from plannedparenthood.org: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/iud
Here are other birth control methods which may help prevent pregnancy but do not protect against STIs: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/cervical-cap
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/birth-control-vaginal-ring-nuvaring
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/diaphragm
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy [Yes, I know that's for him. But that's all the effective birth control men can accomplish beyond using condoms at this point. Of course, it still doesn't protect against STIs.]
You really do need to discuss this in depth with your GYN. And remember that there is more to this than simply preventing pregnancy... there are STIs to consider as well.
As for the issue about not being able to use a male condom, plannedparenthood had this to say: Most women and men can use condoms with no problem. Condoms have no side effects except for people who are allergic to latex. Up to 6 out of 100 people have such allergies. If you are allergic to latex, you can use condoms or female condoms made of plastic instead.
Some men and women feel that the condom dulls sensation. Others become frustrated and lose some of their sexual excitement when they stop to put on a condom. Some men are self-conscious about using condoms. Others feel pressured to ejaculate. And some men feel pressured about having to maintain an erection to keep the condom on. (If this is a concern, maintaining an erection is not necessary when using the female condom.)
Many men overcome these pressures and learn to enjoy using condoms by using them during sex play before intercourse. It may also help to try different styles and sizes to find the condom that is most comfortable for you and your partner.
- See more at: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom#sthash.1MQNWTym.dpuf
Try the female condom and lubrication and see how that goes! And do go back to your GYN about your options. If you are getting all depressed about your options and freaking out that you'll never find a quality guy willing to use condoms, that might be another kind of doctor's specialty... :)
There are quality men who will be happy to wear a condom and in fact I would expect most would expect to be asked to wear one before STI testing and complete and trusted monogamy! :) You are not stuck and you have options. Keep on keeping on! :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): Umm,change up your circle of friends a bit?I'm not saying ditch the old ones,but turning 30 is a great time for change! It's exciting! It's a time for trying out new things, testing your limits etc.At least that's how I see it (I'm younger than you,btw. But,plz, no more "you'll understand when you get to 30 and desperately try to find somebody to have family etc. bullshit". I know.I tried. My fertility limit is not 30,it was much earlier than that...Sadly.) And that thing you mentioned-no,it's not just older guys (for me). It's younger ones as well, but f*** them.It's MY health that I'm responsible for.All this pleasure/shmleausure/baby topics have been discussed in depth. What about YOUR health? If he rides bareback, how can you know for SURE that he hasn't caught something from somewhere?EVEN IF you two get tested etc. (as we did with my ex BEFORE starting sex WITH condoms, coz you know the condom also doesn't cover the whole penis/moves,so there's still a chance of transmission albeit minimal),so as I was saying EVEN IF you two get tested and are both negative, you have to trust him BEYOND 100% to not go and screw around behind your back and then bring something home.I think I can potentially,maybe, just about do that with a husband (one day,maybe?), but can't do it with a bf (even a long-term one).As I said, I find that the line: "Great, what shall we name the baby?" sobers them up pretty quick. And as you have nothing against babies (I don't either,and not that I want it,but if an accident happens,I couldn't kill it for example. As I said not a chance of this now, but hypothetically speaking,I knew I could never have killed another human being as I rationally know that it is a human being).But is not only that. I just think that when it comes to health issues, you can never be TOO careful. With all those viruses mutating quickly, antibiotics loosing their efficiency etc. etc. I'd rather try and prevent, than deal with it.Whoever doesn't want sex with you on your terms-sorry, but deal with it. You were not the right "fit" for each other and at least you know it from the get go. Your health is more important than his "desire". That's how I deal with it,really, there is no other way. And IF Mr. Right decides to show up-then he would be Mr. Right precisely coz he would care more about you and your feelings than about himself and his pleasure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): Thanks Cindy, and I do understand where the guys are coming from to a certain degree, but with the only other option being a device I'm quite scared of trying if I'm honest (it seems quite barbaric in a way, plus if it doesn't agree with me then it's another invasive procedure to get it back out again...) then I really didn't think a slightly duller orgasm for both of us would be such a high price to pay. I mean I'd never ask a man to have a piece of copper shoved up his Mr so that I could have better pleasure for myself you know? They just seem worlds apart in that respect and it kind of hurts that it's expected by so many that it's the woman's issue to solve or she's at a 'disadvantage'. I mean I'd be happy to use a female condom or do condom for a while then finish with oral or manual stimulation. You know - how people did it for centuries before all of these crazy options were invented. But all of these were met with a horrified look by my ex.I think I'd feel a lot better if I'd found other guys who said they were ok with it so at least I'd KNOW they are out there rather than just hope, but the only one is the male anon and he's in his 50s so perhaps a different generation. Or maybe it's not a generational thing at all, I might be being unfair with that.I suppose that finally, given that I'm going to be turning 30 this year I was thinking it might only be a limited number of years until I would be trying for a baby too (fingers crossed) so provided things go well it's not like I'd be saying they could never have condomless sex. Just for a few years :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 June 2015):
 I hope I won't make you any sadder- I just want to help you make sense of something that feels unjust and irrational to you ( the fact that some men- but not all !- would rather have no sex, ergo no YOU , rather than have sex with condoms within a long term relationshop ).
It maybe unjust- but it's not irrational. You are, objectively, slightly disadvantaged by your condition- and the possibility of having a fulfilling, fully gratifying sex life is never a " stupid " issue.
At the beginning of a relationship,- but better calling it an acquaintance, or the process of getting to know somebody,- a man ( or a woman, as for that ) will be intrigued, curious, attracted etc.... but won't feel yet deeply emotionally invested or totally bowled over
( which is a good thing :)- when someone says they love you- after 2 days from meeting you, is generally a bad sign ).
They'll be still in the choice and selection phase, which means you will have to tick most of their boxes and meet most of their criteria to be " hired ". One of which can be, being able, at some point, of having extremely enjoyable ( and condom-free ) sex. Because, let's face it, condoms are useful, preciously so- but hopefully not forever: condomless sex DOES feel quite different and quite better to most people , including lots of women ! So, generally speaking, condoms are thought of as a lesser evil, - a small nuisance , but still a nuisance .
Naturally, a guy who is ALREADY blindly in love with you, who is committed to you etc. - would accept the nuisance with no hesitation. But one who just LIKES you, who is in the " let's see how it goes " phase , will factor the condom thing in, among many others, and I don't think he'd be a monster of selfishness or callousness for that. He'd be simply and naturally going for what he likes better.
Let's say , to exemplify, ... that you were obese. You meet someone who thinks you are smart, fun, and that you have a pretty face... but he does not " do " overweight girls. So your story won't take off, unless you show interest in losing the extra weight.
Would he be " shallow " ? ... Would he lose, because of a small detail, the chance of being with a great gf ?...
Some would say yes. But he'll probably won't see it that way, because, not being in love or fully emotionally invested yet, he can easily move to other people in the reasonable hope to find someone who is equally likeable ( remember, so early in the day we are still in the likeable stage ), but ALSO of a regular weight. In your case, someone as likeable as you, but also eventually condom free.
Do you have to tear your hair about that ? Not really. You just have to accept the idea that your selection of males is not infinite ( it isn't for anybody of us ), because SOME guys feel like that about condoms . So ? There are men who won't date overweight girls, or girls who do not shave their crotch, or single mothers, or vegetarians, or ...fill the blank. Some won't date girls who can't / won't use the pill.
And, you can ask a second or third opinion about the coil. I am surprised of what you have been told, that's an old myth or prejudice that has been publicly rejected by the World Health Organization ( so,not just some village quack... ) already in 20O4, with official papers and all; there's no scientific evidence to show that the coil might be abortive or contribute to the birth of children with physical defects. As for it being more technically difficult to implant in the uterus of a childless woman, it is- and they have solved that, inventing several models of " short " or " mini " coils. Get more info, before rejecting it as an option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): Thank you so much male anon, that's made me feel a bit better actually! I know I'm being silly and that all men are different, it just seems the 'I can't get hard with one so I refuse' attitude is by and far the most common I'm finding. Even though it must be psychosomatic surely? Provided it fits properly and everything? I think the other sad thing for me is that most of these men don't get what it's like to totally lose desire. Firstly, they think that because I don't need a physical reaction to have sex that I should always be good to go, when in fact with my ex I actually cried before meeting him knowing it was about time I gave in and did it. That's no good for either of us surely?! Or they're all 'I could turn you on easily!' when in actual fact I'd rather have done the ironing than considered sex with anyone! Even Henry Cavill, so clearly something HUGE was going wrong back then ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): Just to weigh in and correct what someone said shout the pill, I am on a progesterone only pill as I do not respond well to estrogen pills. They do exist, if you haven't tried it, try that one.
Also, I've stopped and started the pill over my lifetime and it has had different effects each time even though It's the same pill.
If you still have it in you, you could try them again. Not for a man but for you if you prefer sex without a condom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): OP again. Thanks to Empty-1 for your response but it actually makes me really really sad. It seems that it's true that men would rather have no sex (and therefore no me) rather than use a condom in a long term relationship. So I have to choose between dreading sex and getting no pleasure out of it at all (I saw someone on here say it felt akin to bring poked in the ear for 20 mins which sums it up EXACTLY) and have a higher chance of getting a boyfriend, or have a healthy sex drive yet many guys are unwilling to stay with me long term because of the stupid condom issue. I can't WAIT for the day the male pill comes out!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): I am in my 50,s and had a few relationships less than one hand,but i can say there are condoms.. and condoms which basically means they can be nice n thin or no lubricant or even made from non latex if the latex proves to be a turn off i find no problems with them,sensitivity is there for me i dont lose the ability to rise for the occassion either,its everyones own choice,if its wise to use then use,if the woman has had sterilization then obviously then there not needed but the choice still depends on each persons desire,i myself find them quite sensual to a point..well slipping it on ! you can work the rest out,
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (18 June 2015):
Not to contradict anything already said (I agree with the preponderance of advice already given) I'd like to inject a different, but relevant perspective.
I lose my erection whenever I put on a condom. It's guaranteed. If, hypothetically, a GF (married now, so no further worries) were to require a condom, it would be a deal breaker.
That's not to say I would be upset or angry, or sour, or disrespectful. The one time it became relevant at all, we had a conversation ahead of time, and I told her "I'd rather just not have sex than try the condom route again".
We parted ways respectfully.
Condoms are, for me, a painful and humiliating experience that make me feel useless as a man. I would genuinely rather not have sex.
As they say: "No glove - no love". Just be aware that for some of us guys - we're fine with that (and even respect it) but that it means no love because a glove is just not an option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): I'm the OP - thanks to you all for your responses so far. I'd just like to clarify a few things. Firstly - the coil. Although I've only specifically asked 1 doctor about it, others at my practice have always dismissed it from the list of options offered to me (in the practice I attend you don't have 1 doctor you see all the time, you can get any of the 5/6 doctors that work there). I've looked it up online and it seems that there is a lot of divided opinion, but being the type of person I am I'd rather not take the chance that the 50% who are against it could be right and there could be problems for me having children later down the line. Plus I've heard how painful and invasive it is which doesn't sound appealing either.Secondly - the assumption that I'm talking about casual sex. I've never had sex with someone I've not been in a relationship with. The recent guy and I made it official after a month and a half and started having sex a couple of weeks later. Previous boyfriends I've had have been happy to use condoms for a few months before we both got tested, then my birth control took over. However, most men I've met seem to assume this is what will happen. That's what the last guy thought, and even when I explained the situation he still bugged me to go back on the pill. The fact I refused and insisted on condoms every time is why he left because he didn't think it was fair he should have to have 'rubbish sex' for years. Ironically, he accused me of being selfish for refusing to go back on hormonal BC.That's what my male friends were referring to as well. They'd be happy to 'put up' with condoms for a while but the idea that it would be a long term solution horrified them and they said they'd consider it a deal-breaker. To make it worse, they told me I could just go back on BC then use lube 'to get me in the mood'! I know, a deep understanding of a woman's sexuality right there!I know I'm well rid of the last guy, but I'm just shocked at this sudden requirement for bare sex. Particularly when they know the effects other options have on me and the intensity of their orgasm is still deemed far more important!I was in a long term relationship for almost 7 years until about a year and a half ago, and I've only recently begun dating again, but it does seem that there has been a shift in mindset in those years. When I was with my first boyfriend at 19 condoms weren't up for discussion - it was simply 'we'll need to get them' and we were both so happy to be having sex and so in love that it didn't bother either of us. Now it seems that's no longer the opinion of many men which is sad, I think.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 June 2015):
 There are men out there willing to use condoms. When people care about each other, this is a minor problem. If that guy dumped you over this, it just means he didnt care much for you. He was just using you for entertainment and fun. But not all men are like this. Ive been in relationship with several men who had no problem using condoms, and they were the ones insisting on it (as I dont like them myself).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): I have been with my BF for two years now. He used condoms the first two months. That was it. But ever since, he has not been using any.
He claims he has always been faithful.
So far, I have no diseases that I know of.
Seems like he is telling the truth....
He is my first and only sexual partner.
Hope I am not being stupid by trusting him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): WOW. I have so many thoughts, I need to take a deep breath here before I can get them all out. Okay.I know it seems that there are lots of hormonal birth control "options", but the reality is that all of them (the pill, the patch, the ring, the shot, the implant, etc.) are ESTROGEN BASED. If you do not react well to synthetic estrogens, you will NOT want to be on any form of hormonal birth control. (And many hormones in your body are linked through feedback cycles, so changing your estrogen levels causes a lot of other changes, too). I HIGHLY recommend the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". This will give you a great understanding of fertility awareness and of the hormones at play in your body. There is also a very informative book called: "The Pill: Are You Sure It's For You?"I will end by saying that no one likes using condoms. Everyone agrees that sex without a condom feels better than sex with a condom, for both parties. However, condoms are essential for your safety! Especially in a new relationship!! With my current partner, we use condoms, with the expectation that if we get married we won't need them anymore, as we'll be open to a pregnancy. (We've both been tested and are STD-free). If a man breaks up with you because he doesn't want to use a condom, then good riddance. Frankly, he sounds like a total asshole.To answer the question in your title: YES. Good guys are out there. Please keep looking, don't give up!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2015):
Of course there are quality men out there who are sensible and not only about their orgasms...
Keep on looking and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and free of those pesky STDs!
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (18 June 2015):
I would consider getting a second opinion on the coil. Is it your GP that you've spoken to or a specialist? I know plenty of people who've used the coil as contraception before they'd had children and who've then gone on to have children without problem. Make an appointment at a family planning clinic to see a specialist
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): I never advocate unprotected-sex for anyone. If you want to be single and sexually-active, you are taking responsibility for yourself by asking a man to use a condom. I don't know any guy who will turn down sex for wearing a condom. If he does, then he has done you a favor.
Risking unplanned pregnancy and STD's; should be the major determinate if you want to have casual-sex with a guy with no protection. Insist on it. You're calling the shots. Women who are HIV-positive from unprotected-sex, will be on medication for the rest of their lives. You run in irresponsible circles of friends; if they would run the risk of getting infected or spreading infection without using condoms. Besides, guys don't get pregnant!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): The coil is great! I've not had kids and I've had one put in. Have to put up with but if cramping and heavier periods first few months, but once settled its no probs. Its a myth about having kids before having coil. Yes it was painful when out in, and I had cramps for rest of day. I have the copper coil which has no hormones and last ten years, so to me so worth a bit if pain. I'd say go with the coil!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): Yes, there are.I have NEVER had sex WITHOUT a condom. Not once. Including ONS, long-term relationships (years) and more casual situations.I don't care what it feels like. It can't be THAT different (according to my gfs who have had it without condoms with their bfs).As to how it feels on the man- I always have only one line :"Ok,great,darling,I'm totally up for it. What shall we name our child? I have narrowed down the list of girls' names to a few favourites,but since it will be your child too, I'm open to suggestions about boys' names."A guy has never even DARED to have sex with me without a condom after that one. I wonder why... ps: I'm the same as you re:contraception. I reacted so badly to the pill and tried so many different types and brands (I think about 12,maybe?). Eventually,after much pushing from my GP and several trials and errors, we found a pill that I THOUGHT was ok and did not mess with me too much.I only THOUGHT that. Oh,boy,oh boy. I was on it for 2 years (still using condoms though,so condoms+pill) and WHEN I got off it, NOT only was I like you,but I realised that it was basically driving me into depressive moods. I felt so happy suddenly and so optimistic (after about 2-3 months) and no more mood changes due to hormone fluctuation etc. I would be scared to ever go back to it as I remember those depressive periods only too well. The stupid pill also made me gain weight!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 June 2015):
 I think men refusing condoms are a HUGE no-go.
I have NOT dated a guy (including my husband) who did NOT use condoms. And I would without doubt DUMP a guy if he REFUSED wearing them. BIRTH-CONTROL is NOT just a woman's "job". IT should be something BOTH would try and prevent, same with STD's. THERE are plenty of types of condoms out there that makes them barely there. Besides in the initial stage of dating HOW careless is a guy if he think going BARE is even smart? What about STD's? Did you do a panel with him? OR did you just "tell" each other, Oh I have no std's?
CARELESS dude, careless DUD.
I hope you will have better luck with the next guy.
Also, the pill (while it's great) is NOT for every woman. Though the generally have a LOT less hormones in them (compared to the ones in the late 70's) they CAN be a simple no-can-do for some women, such as yourself. And a guy telling you.... you should take it ANYWAYS because he can't be bothered with condoms? WTF!!
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