A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I have started going to a counselor because of these “mini-depression episodes” that I have. This term “mini-depression episodes” is a term that I use to describe the times that I am uncontrollably sad, irritable, and hopeless. I feel that I let everything bother me and I always think the worst to protect myself and my feelings. The main problems that causes the boughs of “mini-depression episodes” are boys. I have the worst luck with boys. As soon as I’m comfortable with them and trust them, I get hurt and since I am the type of person who likes for things to flow smoothly, once something happens (whether small or big) I become so sad and so distracted. There is this boy that I have known since I was in sixth grade and we’ve had relationships but they were the middle school relationships that don’t really matter and are insignificant. Bottom-line is that I’ve known him for forever basically. He was my first kiss, my first “boyfriend” if you will and just basically the first person of the opposite sex (that isn’t related to me) that I care about a lot (more than I’d like to admit to myself sometimes). Well sometimes we get into tiffs like all friends do, and we make up and get over it. But this time i think it’s different. I am so used to him texting me everyday that when he doesn’t I expect the worst. Like one time he wanted me to come over to his house and I couldn’t because I had no way of getting there. Because I couldn’t go he got really mad at me and thought I didn’t care about out friendship and just decided to stop talking to me. Just recently someone from a blocked number called him (I don’t know how many times) and because I was the last person to text him (I didn’t get a response) he flipped out on me and assumed it was me who called him. I was so taken aback and confused. I told him that someone just recently called me from an unknown number and hung up. And I texted him a few more times but then he stopped responding. All I could think about was the last time he stopped responding to my text and my calls and how ridiculous I thought he was being. After three days of not talking to me, I decided to do something stupid and immature and kept sending him text until he finally responded. Well it worked and as expected he was not happy at all. He basically told me to never text him until he actually text me first. I left him alone for a few days until one drunken night (everyone experiences these) when I just felt like I needed to apologize for being so idiotic and immature. I texted him first being pretty apologetic but then I decided to call and leave a voicemail. It was a pretty innocent voicemail for the most part. Just me apologizing and telling him how I missed talking to him. Well he never called or texted back which sucks. I really do miss talking to him and I miss him…For a few months now I have been hooking up with this boy that goes to my school. We have a strictly sexual relationship which is just want I wanted from him. Just recently I was clowning around with my friends on a drunk night. Someone mentioned people were having sex in the common room on our floor. So my friends decided to fuck around with them. I left for a second and then I heard that they were coming out of the common room after their raunchy night. I ran out in the hallway to see who the culprits were and to my surprise it was some random girl I’ve never seen before and the kid that I have been hooking up with. It was awkward and intense (mostly because I was pretty drunk). I couldn’t just sit there and let him leave without him knowing that I witnessed what was happening. I walked with him and asked “So you got yours tonight didn’t you??” He finally figured out that it was me (he was pretty drunk and belligerent himself) and said “Your making this more than it is” I kindly replied “not at all just asking a simple question”. He said that they didn’t have sex. But my main thing was the fact that I saw what happened between them. I am just so used to hooking up with him that seeing another girl was just so strange to me. It would’ve been a different story if I heard about him hooking up with another girl but to see it with my own eyes was a bit scarring to say the least. I’d like to think that I have respect for myself and that I am pretty confident for the most part but when it comes to boys, I cannot seem to find (friends, hookup buddies, or even a boyfriend) that will be honest, genuine, and just all around friendly. Do they even exist. I just seem to attract assholes who are nice in the beginning but just do a complete 180 soon after. I’m going on 20 and I just want to believe that there aren’t selfish, mean, and horrible males out there…Hopefully things will change. But are there good males out there? What's happening with me? Do you think my situation will ever change??
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Gotcha on the "not necessarily a relationship thing."
Two things though. One, you're not the only one who could be telling people about the guy you're hooking up with - I guarantee he's bragging to his buddies. Word gets around. Two, you'd be surprised how easy it is to get that "vibe" from a girl. We don't need to see absolute proof a girl is in the hookup scene, just the belief that she is.
The reason he asks if you're seeing anyone else is because very, very few guys are willing to share women - guys will generally not hook up with a girl more than once if they suspect she's seeing other guys, even as they go about seeing other girls. Surprise, assholes are hypocrites. But at the same time, trying to meet new guys while hooking up with someone is a similar behavior.
You would do best to invest all your energy in a single task - meeting a decent guy, rather than doing that on the side. I'm serious, sex is fun and great, but you're much better off in the long run waiting until you meet a decent guy, even if it means being celibate and just having a guy friend for a while.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks for the responses, but I wanted to clarify that I know my fling with the one guy that I just hooked up with was just a hookup. I was just venting. It was just so weird to see him hooking up with someone else especially since he always asks me if I'm hooking up with anyone else. But I am a very secretive person and really no one knows about my sexual relationship with this guy. No one at all actually. So to lazy guy because no one knows about my "thing" with this guy I believe I can search for other guys. And I said I didn't want a relationship I just wanted a guy friend like someone I can hang out with because it seems like they don't really exist. They just want to hook up (which I do not hookup with them). I want to start out slow.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Yes there are. But are "good" guys looking for a girl that has a purely sex relationship with a guy while she is looking for someone else?
Odds almost touches upon it but doesn't go far enough. Simply put, good guys don't WANT to be found by you.
Really, this isn't that difficult to grasp. Good guys want good girls. You ain't one.
You say you respect yourself. How exactly?
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 It sounds like things were fine with the first guy for a long time. It certainly would be unusual for your "first kiss" whom you've known since sixth grade to become your permanent mate in adulthood. So don't feel too bad if it turns out the relationship has run its course. I'd say don't contact him again, no matter how drunk you get. If he wants to renew your friendship, he knows where to find you.
As for the second guy... if you recruited him for a "strictly sexual" relationship (ie. friends with benefits), then what do you expect? You're not going to find an "honest, genuine" guy that way. The ones with good values would turn down such a relationship, or if they didn't, would be extremely uncomfortable in it. Really it was just a matter of time before you'd see your fuck buddy with someone else. He wasn't violating any trust he had with you since all you had was a non-exclusive physical relationship.
Women always ask these questions, "Why do all guys seem to be jerks? Why can't I just find a nice guy?" Meanwhile, the nice guys out there are asking why girls always ignore them and go for jerks. A nice guy could offer the world to a girl and be turned down, while a jerk seemingly can treat women like garbage and they just keep coming back for more. What women say they want and what they actually go for are two different things. This is not just perception either. There have been countless articles and whole books written about why women love jerks and nice guys finish last. But the gist of it is that girls (no matter what they say) are often attracted to cockiness, arrogance, or a don't-care attitude, mistaking these for genuine confidence and strength. Do you ever do this, even unconsciously? Do you overlook and ignore guys who don't ask you out, have quieter, less flashy personalities, and who may in fact be very caring and honest if you ever got to know them?
Don't judge all males based on the two you've had problems with. Genuine guys are out there, often right in front of you. You just have to learn to recognize them.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 February 2011):
"Hooking up" is by it's very nature not exclusive. You can ask for an exclusive relationship, but unless you're explicitly going out with someone they will generally assume they can get more on the side. Moreover, guys rarely respect booty-calls enough to avoid other girls.
To avoid this, start dating officially before you bang someone. Wait a month, preferably two before putting out. If you put out early, guys will assume you put out early and often for other guys - *especially* if you claim otherwise. Then even otherwise decent guys will lose respect for you. Wait for a relationship, and if a guy isn't willing to wait, he would not have been faithful to you anyway.
Additionally, consider whether you only attract assholes, or whether you are only attracted to them (most likely both). When's the last time you had a crush on a guy (whether he returned your affection or not) who you knew for a verifiable fact had always treated girls with respect? Decent, honest, reliable guys tend to lack that edgy confidence that girls your age are attracted to and excited by. Probably the more accurate question is, "Why are the guys I'm attracted to nicer?"
Understand, most assholes will say and do whatever they have to to get you in bed. Many are very, very good at that - it's part of why you're so attracted. Rule of thumb: if a guy has lots of options, he has little incentive to commit to any particular one.
Either way, it's best to change before you develop a reputation for hookups or for being with assholes. Whether it's fair or not, decent guys generally don't associate with girls who have that rep. Might be best to put your love life on hold until you figure things out.
Even most assholes will hesitate to take advantage of a nice-seeming girl, and decent guys will be more attracted to that type, as well. Small changes in your mannerisms can help. For instance, language - don't curse, or refer to men/guys as "boys." Speak softly, and non-confrontationally, and rather than arguing with someone who is being direspectful, simply refuse to talk to them at all. Or your appearance - go for the natural look with your makeup, smile and make eye contact more, and don't get overly touchy except with whichever guy you are trying to pick up at the time. Where you meet guys - think about it, are you more likely to meet a decent guy at a party, or at a bookstore? Dorms are a coin-toss. Think of the kind of guy you want to meet, and go there to look for them.
As for your friend, it's possible he had a crush on you and is hurt by your liaisons with these guys, so it didn't take much to push him into no-contact territory. Try to meet up with him in person. Go to his house. Don't argue with him, even if he's trying to start an argument. Just let him vent and calmly explain everything. Most of the time, puppy-dog eyes can lead a man around anywhere, but when they're jealous it only makes things worse. I could be wrong about the jealousy thing, though - I just think that's the most likely case. If he says it's not jealousy, he's most likley telling the truth.
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