A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So a question I asked earlier ignited another one in regard to a previous but brief relationship. It was only the second time I've ever terminated a courtship, and both times I've felt bad about it.Anyways, I had started seeing a younger woman. She was only 20 and I was 26, but we didn't know eachother's age until the second or third time we went out. I got the feeling she was younger anyways, just because of the way she talked (using text speech to a comic effect) and the way she looked.I'm a very slow mover, and things were going well as she openly shared my values and also wanted to wait till she was married. It was a little weird to begin with, because I live alone and pay my own mortgage, and she lives with her parents and was at the time attending a pre-college program. She had a curfew and every time I went to see her I spent at least an hour or so chatting with her parents. I got along well with her father, but it made me feel uncomfortable at the same time that I was making friends with her folks before we were even serious. They knew everything that happened between us, and approved, but I felt like I was trapped in a glass jar, so to speak.Anyways, as I said, I move slowly, so it was a little more than two weeks before I finally got up the courage to try to kiss her. Unfortunately, she moved and pretended not to notice. Embarrassed (practically mortified with guilt) I followed her line and took her to a poetry reading in town which contrary to what she had stated seemed to bore her.It was a bit later on the way to the movie that I asked her if she was seeing anyone, and she said something along the lines of, "It's not like we're dating or anything." I was humiliated, and not feeling up to spending the rest of the evening with her, suggested that I take her home. She immediately backpedalled and apologized, and said she did want to be my girlfriend, and I was the nicest guy she'd ever met, but considering how everything was going, such fair and foul things all at once were hard to reconcile.I broke it off the next time we saw eachother, discussing it in person, and suggesting that I was perhaps a little too old and involved with myself to give her the time and attention she deserved (not entirely false, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings). She seemed to accept this, and moved on to her next beau within the week from what I heard.So...onto the actual question. Recently, she's been sending me messages saying she misses me. I have not dated since, being turned down once (which is another long story). I have not entertained the idea of us seeing eachother again, but I'm wondering if I was too rigid before. I mean, she would always talk about how attractive she thought I was, but she'd neer move to kiss me, even after two weeks. I was never forcefull, and very open with her. I don't understand what was going on with her, but I just felt that she was more concerned about having a boyfriend who was a veteran that she could brag about, than having a relationship. And before anyone corrects me, she did often say that she bragged to her friends about me and that they were sooo jealous, which seemed funny because they had never met me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): Hellooooooooo
Well i see you missed the boat then?
Maybe you were both quite shy a little backwards at coming forward. You sound very rigid to me but please do not be offended, as i will sound too fast and loose for you probably. We are all different and if you want to ENJOY the colour of life....one should try a journey with no map....let go of rigid identities and what one should or should not do. Life is too short for staying still.... it has ups and downs, things that challenge us and develop our character,it holds possibilities and colourful meetings.... In my opinion a life that is mapped from A-Z in perfetion is a life not lived.
I think you did miss the boat here ....an opportunity of romance..she probably did like you....i wonder where you would be sailing to now? do you like adventure? do you live your life to it's best? do you push yourself to experience the good and the bad? the candle and it's shadow!
Do you laugh? do you feel the wind and water and live on your senses? or do you live by an old worn out map that leads nowhere?
Good Luck
Spunky Monkey....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): Were you too rigid before?
No. You were honest and straightforward. I only wish more men were like you and told people exactly what they felt when they wanted to end it.
The thing is she may be too young for you at this point...not just age-wise, but experience-wise. From the way you describe her, it sounds like she may not have ever had a real relationship before which might explain why you feel like a chaperone and not a date.
It explains why she lives at home, why her parents insist on small talking with you, why she brags to her friends, why she reacts by pulling away when you try to kiss her, why she has said clumbsy, insensitive things, and why she texts you now rather than call you.
She's probably scared to some degree...I doubt it's that because finds you inadequate, it's just that she probably never had a guy show sexual interest in her, or at least an older guy. She doesn't really know how to handle it or what to do with herself in the situation. She just sounds really sheltered.
Why not try dating women who are closer in age to you or at least have lived away from home for a while? 20 is pretty young.
I am a 30 and was a bit of a late bloomer. When I was 20, I really didn't have a clue as to what made a good relationship with a guy. Emotionally speaking, I was a moron. I made tons of mistakes and was very insensitive many times around that age.
You aren't really a peer to this girl and you don't seem to really like the chaperone role, but I think that's what she expects from you, because it's what she knows to expect from someone older than her.
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